Wedding Gift - How Much?

Sounds like you have some great friends there! I think $500 is a very generous gift!

View Quoted Comment Thank you! Yes, they are great friends, we are truly blessed.

If you feel that’s a appropriate amount to spend on a wedding gift in your financial then it’s reasonable and generous. If it’s a stretch then it’s not.

In your financial position

That is typical of the region for 2 guests. Since you don't know the couple themselves very well and just the parents, it's even more generous and thoughtful of you to send a registry gift. Enjoy the wedding.

That is a very generous gift! I would seriously cry if any of our guests gave us $500 lol.

View Quoted Comment I know some people as well as traditional etiquette are of the view that a physical gift is more thoughtful than money, but I don’t see how it’s any more generous. Cash gifts are very customary in some circles while people tend to buy shower or engagement gifts off a registry if there is one.

View Quoted Comment I meant in addition to the cash gift so total expense is $600 which in the NJ/NY area is like adjusting for inflation. That is a cash gift amount I would give if knowing someone fairly well, if very well, then more. If I didn't know the couple personally at all, I'd send a card with a note wishing them well. But that's just me & my husband. A thoughtful card in a gift amount that one can afford (if given at all) is always acceptable in polite circles always.

View Quoted Comment *and by just sending a card, meaning not attend the wedding of someone I don't know.

View Quoted Comment I don’t think two gifts are necessary at all. In fact, coming from an employee to a boss’s child, it sounds a bit above and beyond to me, especially for OP, whose H seems very money conscious.

Is the original question about a gift valued at $500 or a gift of that amount of money? If the son is otherwise doing okay, the gift valued at $500 would seem better.

View Quoted Comment Agreed. Office politicking.


OP, if you still want to gift cash, a suitable amount is $400 or less since you already gave a thoughtful gift.

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That's why I mentioned the area we live in. In our own family, and with most if not all friends, around here, a cash gift for the wedding is the norm. (Personally, I prefer gifts from the registry but hereabouts, cash is appreciated.) We are looking to be generous without being philanthropic, but hubby's boss has also steered much OT his way because we have been doing a lot of necessary and overdue work on our home and we frankly needed the money. This gift amount is a bit of a stretch, I'm thinking maybe $350 - $400 might be more reasonable, and hubby and I will be discussing it further. But everyone's feedback has been most helpful and much appreciated. PS: When we first married 38 years ago, it was a small wedding and almost all the gifts were actual gifts. When we had our convalidation in June, we didn't have a reception per se, but we did receive a couple of gifts

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We were considering a cash gift. I'm not sure how the son is doing but I know the bride is, or will soon become, a registered pharmacist. Hmmmm, maybe an actual gift from the registry would do. More thinking needed here, thanks!

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I would too! When we got married 38 years ago, my in-laws, who could well afford it, gave us $1,000 and helped us buy our house, which was hubby's grandmother's. My folks gave us $500 and a beautiful custom made inlaid wood music box that plays "Til The End of Time" (my Dad was a music box specialist), which we treasure.

There is no one size fits all answer because no two people have the same budgets and amounts in their bank account.



Also depending on the social circle, every family and friend group has their own traditions and etiquette as far as gift giving is concerned. Some families give no physical gifts at all, others give no cash gifts. Because the registry is for both shower and wedding day gifts, every social circle goes about that differently. Some families may buy a small ($25 or less) gift for the shower and a more expensive gift from the same registry for the wedding day or they may buy a larger gift ($50 range as an example) and give a heartfelt card on the wedding day. Some people don’t attend the shower at all. Others choose to forgo any physical gifts including at the shower, even though traditionally a shower is for physical gifts only. There is a misconception about covering your plate as a guest which is where the large gift values ($100+) come in. No guest anywhere should ever be given an invoice for the cost per person at the weddings, nor should any guest be expected or pressured by anyone to give a specific amount that is believed to be what the couple is spending per guest. The couple chooses what they can afford to spend and that amount is never to be given or assumed by the guest back to the couple. In the very small social circles where that is practiced, it is used solely as an attempt to weed out guests who are not as wealthy as those who are hosting the wedding.
Only you can decide what you feel comfortable spending and are able to afford. What other people spend and can afford is no one’s business but their own so don’t fall into the trap of others telling you “our circles/locations spend $x” because finances are almost never discussed with anyone except with significant others that they personally affect.
$500 is super generous and even $100 is generous on a low income. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than because of your financial situation that is not their business, and their income doesn’t affect you.

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Thanks Michelle and I quite agree!! For one thing, I don't believe in "covering the cost of the meal" as a gift. The wedding is the parents' and/or couple's responsibility - can't afford the wedding, don't have it or cut back. I wouldn't be insulted if I were not invited. I discussed this with hubby and because of the relationship with Vinny, the boss, and his wife, and the fact that Vinny has helped hubby make thousands in OT which we desperately needed at various times, like this summer when we were trying, and still are, fixing up our home, also supporting our grandkids who came for 2 months because their Dad is killing himself working his OT to afford the legal fees to get them away from a neglectful mother (long story here) . So, this gift is not going to be easy, but we feel it's necessary. I think $340 - $400 is more reasonable. We have 3 weeks to decide. But I don't want to feel outside pressure. (Here, I'm asking for feedback and i's been helpful). When my niece, my brother's only child, he was my only sibling and died previously, got married 10 yrs ago, his widow and the bride treated me and their oldest friends shabbily throughout the wedding planning - which was a huge fancy, probably 6 figure affair in Manhattan. I've heard my SIL say how inadequate some of the gifts were. We gave $750 from us and our son and his then -wife who were expecting their 2nd child and had come from 5 states away. I'd also given a $150 shower gift from registry. I'm reasonably sure they thought it wasn't enough. (Niece married into a very wealthy family.) For the past several yrs I've not been in touch with SIL or her daughter, my niece. They're the kind for which nothing is ever good enough and it's all judged by $$$$$$$. Not my kind of people. We pride ourselves on being kind and generous people but we do have limits. So no worries, no pressure. Whatever we give, we know that these people will appreciate any gift because it's from the heart. And in grateful appreciation. My BFF/MOH & her hubby, who are very comfortable in their retirement gave us a very large portion of their generosity when we had our wedding ceremony in June. She gave me a shower, just us 2, and there were many many very thoughtful gifts. She also gave me a "bachelorette" luncheon, just us 2 again, with more cute gifts. She and hubby hosted our wedding dinner at a very fine restaurant for 7 of us including our son, grandkids and the priest. They also gave us a spectacular wedding gift. We have exchanged some nice gifts over the years but this was above and beyond, but we knew that they did this from their hearts. No way we could thank them enough (we always send them flowers and gifts for their anniversary and birthdays), and I know they didn't expect it, but I wrote out a lovely card, a very sincere message, and sent them a $ 150 gift package from Omaha Beef (where they order all the time) for which they were very surprised and grateful. And that's how we roll: gracious in receiving, and generous as possible in giving. Thanks again for your input - most valuable!

I think you're putting unreasonable pressure on yourself. I disagree that it is ever "necessary" to put yourself in a position to spend an amount that is "not easy" for you. Your H's boss knows he needs the overtime work and has been trying to help him out in that way. A gift that seems overly generous may even make him uncomfortable or confused. Give what you can easily afford.

View Quoted Comment Good point! Thanks!

View Quoted Comment I am a bit uncomfortable with the power dynamics here. In old school times, parents invited their coworkers /bosses to their kid's weddings as a way of getting something back from giving at everyone else's kid's weddings. That was when weddings were cheap, everyone was invited, and the couple marries super young and they have neither $ nor household items. Not a common scenario anymore. So I feel the ethical problem here is that the FOG is your husband's boss and he wants his family to reap financial rewards from professional subordinates. Is he the wedding host? Are other workers invited? By age, you'd be known as an "elder" (like me) who assumingly has more money than the couple's friends. But weirdly the boss actually knows how much your husband makes and needs to live. So unless you're actually friends with the couple getting married, I'm not sure the wedding invitation was appropriate given the work power dynamics. The bridal shower is further questionable as this is commonly a more intimate function. Do you talk to the couple at all?


I know you want to support the family in their celebration, but I would show some restraint as the favor you feel indebted for is actually $ based (OT). So... Nix the typical $5_. I'd decline the shower. If you haven't sent the $100 registry gift already, skip it. At the wedding, just write a check for $400 or less. If you got the gift, give less in a check. If you're comfortable contributing in total $5_, then that is fine but it may appear confusing as CM writes. If your husband needed OT, the boss may wonder if the $ given was taken from your house $ out of pressure? Yes. Anyway, $400 is a large amount, no matter the giver's age or relationship to the couple (or lack thereof). You could also take a health or family conflict, and not attend the wedding. Then the $100 is still very thoughtful for declines.