wedding angst

I would not worry about ex's past wedding. This is your day and no one else's!

Please burn the ex-wife's notes. You have given yourself unnecessary anxiety.

Sci Fi - Have confidence in yourself. Be proud of yourself. It sounds like you have low self-esteem. Don't seek approval from others (I know, this is hard), because at some point those other people will always let you down. Trust in yourself. That is how the rest of us sit here and to those who are unsatisfied at our best attempts, we say "Fuck you".

OK, the notes: the ex was a German record keeper (his words, not mine) and she detailed every little expense right down to the super glue she bought to do a quick fix on a broken nail. I'm a bit of a flake (although, to be fair I have a certified memory impairment) and lack a certain attention to detail. They also had 5 years to plan their wedding, we had 1. So when we were moving last summer I found her 'wedding binder' and have been using it as a guide for the little details the average checklist doesn't give you, and I won't think about otherwise. And I know how much she paid for things so I budget for what I can expect to pay, too. I'm not trying to recreate their exact wedding, though. It just makes for a good guide for rough averages and details. Like, she saved money on flowers and splurged on the photographer. I'm paying a little less for our photographer, but paying more for flowers.

Anyway, he comes from a big Italian family. I hear them talk about various events. It's what they do. Weddings, funerals, luncheons, etc. And even though his brother had the big 300 person wedding it's always FH's wedding that gets the highlight of "OMG, remember the Venetian table from S.'s wedding? Remember the steak? Remember how gorgeous blah blah blah was?" HE always says yes, the wedding was gorgeous, but the marriage was cursed. I can hear his aunts now, though. "Oh, J. is a lovely girl, it was a beautiful wedding, I'm sure they'll be very happy. But S's first wedding, now that's something to talk about..."

Cool, there's still literally no reason you should have those notes. It should have been in the trash.

A wedding does not determine how the marriage/relationship will be..... the marriage/relationship is whats important. Don't listen to the gossip of his family. I'm sure your wedding will be beautiful because it's what you want. Not what his family wants.

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. I feel like a fish out of water in his family. I love them to death, they are the sweetest people (most of them) but they gossip. ANd they have a 'certain' way of doing things, and they gossip more about the people who don't do things their way. They're like walking poster children for Emily Post. And don't get me started on Italians and food. My family and I only see each other once or twice a year, so their opinions mean very little to me. But FH sees his family a few times a week. I don't want him to have to field the flak when something doesn't measure up to expectations.

100% what Mrs CK and M said.

It sounds like you don't even like them, or know how family works.

I would recommend some professional help for your confidence and anxiety issues, stat.

So what if they say that? Who cares? This seriously sounds like a weird and unhealthy obsession. Are you going to spend the rest of your life comparing every single thing in your relationship with your FH and his family to his previous marriage?

Nope. Even if they're "just that way," that just means they're all disrespectful as hell altogether, and you're in for a ride.

You still need to burn the notes.

M, trust me, this doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg for my anxiety issues, lol. I'm a work in progress.

I know how MY family works, which is to say, it doesn't. I adore his family, but am still trying to wrap my mind around how they do things. And because I like them, their opinion matters to me. Which is why I'm having these (particular) anxiety issues. When I gave myself a concussion a couple weeks ago, his mother called me once a day to check on me. My own mother couldn't even be bothered to send a FB message. I don't want my FMIL to go through the motions for us, I want her (and the rest of his family) to actually enjoy our wedding.

Pour yourself a glass of wine and chill. Absolutely no one is going to be comparing notes.

You're overthinking this. Who cares if they reference past events, they obviously (according to you) care about you and it seriously will not matter how the two weddings compare. The focus on the last wedding and the notes scream insecurity. You need to get rid of that binder and maybe find someone to talk to about these issues.

If they're that friendly/nice to you, have you considered telling them nicely that talk of the prior wedding makes you anxious and uncomfortable, like you won't measure up to his ex? At the very least it puts it out there that they're directly causing you anxiety, and *might* help curb the disrespectful chatter. Might.

Just because it isn't the party of the century doesn't mean they won't have a good time, or that it won't be a good party. Don't be so hard on yourself. Focus on the things you love about your wedding. You chose the things you chose for a reason. The day is all about the two of you, anyway.

From one anxious bride to another: def destroy the notes. it will only drive you crazy. make your own notes if you work well with notes but you don't need ex wife juju. gossipy families are stressful---but I don't think it is worth adding even more anxiety to planning a wedding. sorry you grew up in a rather distant family and it is great that you want to impress this family that has shown you compassion even if they talk about past weddings too much. but you will only drive yourself crazy. if you are not a note taker and organizational person in everyday life---I suggest not trying to be for your wedding. do you and it will be great

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Your wedding is of utmost importance to you, but it's probably not nearly as important as you seem to think it is to your FILs. I would just plan it like you want (without those notes, ick) and enjoy yourself. If they love you, they'll be happy to see you happy.

I can't get over that you don't find it the least bit odd to use your FH's previous wedding as a template for yours together. Who even still HAD these notes to give you?

Seriously, burn the notes.

Sci Fi Bride, I know it's hard to fight those little voices in your mind (I am a therapist and talk to my clients about 'the inner idiot'), and your FH's family is NOT helping. As Jenny said, it's not the wedding but the marriage that counts. Yours will be unique and beautiful because it will be yours. Seriously, argue with your inner idiot. When she starts whispering these things to you, write down your rebuttals. She says, "This wedding will not be as gorgeous..." you write down, "This wedding will be what we want it to be" until that voice shuts up. Do it a couple times and you should find your Inner Idiot doesn't have much to say anymore-- on this topic, at least!