Uninviting someone

Wow! I thought this post was going to be about uninviting the boyfriend.

How old are you? Because you sound pretty childish. You are planning a graduation party; you hinted around this ... Can you be an adult and have a direct, open, and honest conversation with her? Why did you ask her to be in your BP? Can you remember why she meant so much to you to begin with? You haven't mentioned anything about what SHE personally has done, just her boyfriend's behavior. She could actually be using your wedding as a way to break things off with him.

Like most OP's that pose questions like this, you seem to have already made up your mind to do this. You know how horrible it is and you are looking for "permission" to do it anyway. If you truly are ready to end the friendship, then just tell her that you don't want to be friends and you don't want her at or in your wedding. Then, you reimburse her the money for her already paid for plane ticket and any clothing articles she has already purchased. THAT would be the correct way to do this really horrible thing to someone you once considered a friend.

If she was a friend before and a friend after being with this new guy which is clearly a mistakes but her mistakes her choice she will need to realize herself. If your willing to loose her over this guys I would say that's kind of cold. If her relationship is taking a toll on you I suggest you have a talk about it to her as a friend instead of uninvited her. That's what real friends do they talk unless your not her real friend.

Speaking as someone who had previously lost my friends due to a toxic relationship, I don't think you should uninvite her. If you two were that close, then talk to her. Even if it's a 'We've discussed this and obviously disagree on whether or not he's good for you, but I'm warning you now, I'd be very hurt and upset if your relationship somehow interfered with my wedding day.' I know from past experience that she's not going to listen to you and probably will only dig her heels in deeper if you continue to press it, but I also know that it hurts to have your friends totally abandon you.

I will say that being with FH now who is the complete and total opposite of the previous d-bag, I would never underestimate my self-worth again, but sometimes you have to live through a situation like that to realize that it's not at all what you want. If you're willing to throw your friendship away for something that might very well be a life-changing and eye-opening experience for her, then by all means, uninvite her. Otherwise, have the tough conversation, express your concerns, and find a way to work through it. She obviously values your friendship or else she wouldn't have gotten her tickets, gone to Vegas, and done whatever else she's already done for your wedding..

If he's that violent let some of your male guests know who he is and if he shows up they can escort him out...or better yet, security at your venue.

She needs you and it sounds like you just want justification for what you know is wrong. Women in abusive relationships leave an average of 7 times before they do for good. Be her friend and continue to love and support her so you can help her pick up the pieces when she realizes you were there for her when he wasn't.

God I'm glad you arn't my friend! It sounds like she's at a low point if she thinks that's what she deserves. You know when you know whose your friend? When ur at your lowest and they are there by your side. For her sake don't invite her. She doesn't need to believe you are her friend when clearly you arn't at all. It's better her know the kind of person you are now.

Eta: I've been at some low points in my life. That's when I learned who was there and who wasn't truly a friend. The one who was there for everything is now my MOH and celebrates everything I've overcome in relationships, and other aspects of my life. She is a friend.

@Elizabeth- everyone is entitled to their own opinions =)

@BeachBum2016- so many judgmental people on this post. If I were in your shoes I would be worried too!!! Sure, sounds like she could use a friend but it also sounds like you have been the best friend you could be to her but when it starts taking a toll on you (like it clearly has) that is when you need to step back (In my opinion, I'm sure other people are going to disagree with me). Again, I would tell her your concerns and that you don't feel comfortable with her attending the wedding. Since everyone is so concerned with her nonrefundable flight, maybe you could offer to pay for it.

Wow. Sounds like she's better off without you as a "friend."

You really need to sit down with her, again, and flat out tell her what you are posting on here. Lay everything out on the table. That you don't want her in your wedding if she continues down this path, and that you can't continue to support this destructive and dangerous relationship. Maybe, just maybe, she will realize the severity of both situations. If she still chooses him over you at the end of the conversation, then I would wash my hands of the situation. There really is nothing more you can do. In all honesty, it is not fair to you to have to worry that your wedding day may or may not be ruined by this drama. Hopefully she wises up and loses the scumbag. But I know it is easier said than done trying to leave an abusive relationship. Good luck to you on your decision!

It sounds like she needs you now more than ever. It is very hard to stick by someone in an abusive relationship but they need to know that there are people there for them. If this is what you want though it is ultimately your decision and one a friendship can not recover from.

One of your best friends is in an abusive relationship and you want to abandon her? I hope she has another friend in her life that actually cares about her. She needs help and she needs someone she can run to. Eventually she will get the courage to get out of that relationship and she will need a friend that can help keep her safe.

I agree with @FutureMrsBaran that some people are being harsh. I've had some friends in low points and we've come through them together. I've also had some friends that not only are down themselves but drag everyone down with them and make sure you stay there. You cannot remain friends, or in a relationship with, the latter type. Sometimes you do need to cut someone out of your life. Only you can say if you've reached that point with her or if she still needs some people in her corner.

This has got to be a troll. You invite her and tell her 1. Her bf is not allowed to come. And 2. She is not allowed to talk about him the day of your wedding. I think that's reasonable. Asking her to forfeit a plane ticket is not. I do understand not wanting to deal with negativity on your wedding day and that's also a reasonable request.

I've had friends with awful, abusive, cheating boyfriends. My friends in those situations didn't always act in the best interests of themselves. They were being controlled. Most of them lost most of their friends through that. But, I never understood. I knew that if I was there for them and encouraged them to find what was best for them that they would. I didn't want them to be alone when it finally ended.

You're friend needs you. She may not know it yet, but she does. You're being the bad friend here, not her.

Cutting someone out of your life when they're likely at their lowest point is selfish, cruel, and the definition of NOT a true friend. Additionally, making someone pay to be in your wedding and pay for a non-refundable ticket to Belize to stand up with you, then saying "oops, never mind, I don't like you" is unforgivable. You want to cut her out of your life? Fine, but at least pay her back for every dime she spent on your DW before you move on without her.

Been there, done that with a friend and have the t shirt. Honestly the more you tell her you don't like him, the closer to him she'll move to him. Its a super slippery slope. Abusers suck, literally. They will soul suck their victims and honestly a well intending friend cannot even pull them out of that hole. It goes back to the adage of "you cannot help people who do not want to help themselves ". The more we try to pull them back, the more they push away because the abuser has patterned them this way.

It comes down to she either realizes "oh hey... maybe Beachbum was right. I need to definitely find myself again and get myself in a good space for my sake" or "fuck her, I love him. Sure he's done this, but he's my one and only, I can change him". She has to decide on her own two feet now. No one can make her or help her. I wouldn't cut her out of your wedding, but realize the friendship is more than likely gone. You can thank the abuser for that.

You're kind of a shitty friend, aren't you? Here's a girl in need of support and love, and you're more concerned with your wedding.

You do not get to make a decision for your friend on who she is in a relationship with. It is not your call. If she is truly in an abusive relationship and you ARE her friend you need to realize that sometimes something so trivial as a wedding doesn't compare to your friendship. I think a lot of us get wrapped up in this idea of a perfect day and a perfect wedding. But in the end the wedding is about celebrating your relationship with your fiance and fully committing yourself to your relationship with your fiance. If something were to happen at your wedding that will "ruin your day" what does it really ruin? ONE day, that's it. It "ruins" one day of your life. It doesn't ruin the relationship with your FH (and if it does than you had no business getting married in the first place). You will still end up married, you will still be in a committed relationship with FH, you will still be committing to a life with FH.

You say you are concerned that someone could get hurt at your wedding, I'm assuming you are trying to justify your decision to kick her out of your wedding by saying you are scared if she came to the wedding her boyfriend would follow her and hurt her. But it sounds like he is just as likely to hurt her at home. Would you not rather be there in that situation to help her, to make sure she stays safe, and to try and limit any harm that may come to her rather than her being at home alone in a dangerous situation where there is no one to protect her? If my friend was in an abusive relationship she did not feel comfortable leaving I would WANT her to get away from him, to realize that leaving him is possible, that she can exist without him, and to make sure that if he does choose to try and harm her he is going to have a serious problem doing so and that problem is going to be me...

She needs support and confidence, she needs to realize that there is a life outside of her boyfriend, that there are people who care about her. That you are someone to reach out to. The end of a friendship should not be defined by one side being trapped in a toxic relationship.

You're probably getting exhausted by the relationship because you are pushing and pushing for her to leave. That doesn't work, you are going to exhaust yourself in that situation. Your relationship with her doesn't have to turn into a burden if you just accept the fact that you are not responsible for convincing her to leave, rather you are responsible for being there for her when she reaches for help and for supporting her in the meantime.

I'm sort of going through this. My best friend from college is a BM and I haaaaate her husband. I hate him. Every member of her family and all of her friends despise this guy. Do I have a choice to invite him? No. Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up.