To Invite or Not to Invite

Only invite those that you want to invite I know exactly what ur FH is doing and he’s being respectful and will invite anyway because family members speak to each and they will definitely bring up that they wasn’t invited but the other family member was LOL they may feel some type of way but hey it’s your day!
Anyway be very careful because sometimes they end up showing up and that’s a whole issue in it self ! So if you are planning to send an invite I would hope they send out an rsvp back to you so you have a better picture of how many guest will attend! But if inviting them definitely add them to the wedding guest count because you never know!!!

Do not invite more than your venue holds. That is pretty much a guarantee that those “they absolutely will not come” people will suddenly have a change of heart and RSVP yes. Explain to FH that you must assume everyone that you invite will come and therefore can not invite more than the venue allows.

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Thank you! Some of his family is definitely the type to hold a grudge for something that wasn't meant to be personal, so I don't want to interfere with his decision to invite them. It has to be his choice to invite or not invite them. I will be DIYing our centerpieces though, so it would definitely be nice to have an accurate estimate of how many tables we think we will need. My sister had 130 out of 135 invited come to her wedding, and I don't want to bank on those people not coming!

I'm in the exact same situation! I have a relatively small family while my FH has a huge family (2 of his great grandmas had over 10 kids so there's endless aunts, uncles, and cousins). My FH went through his list and was like this person won't travel across the country, this person won't be able to leave their kids, so on and so on. He even has his step sister on the list there that he's never met and has only talked to on Facebook! So we have a good 20 people who he thinks won't come but he feels obligated to send an invitation anyway to avoid hurting his family's feelings. We're under our allowed amount since we cut a some more distant friends due to covid, so I gave up fighting him on it, but in my head I'm planning for everyone to show up. It was one of those pick your battles moments for me.

It's up to you if you want to fight him back on it to stay within your budget, but definitely don't invite more than your venue will hold and plan for everyone to show up! People will show up for free food and drinks no matter how close they are to you haha.

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Thank you! That is how I feel. Our venue can technically fit all those people, but with Covid I would really like to have extra space so guests can social distance as they please. Plus every extra person costs extra money. I don't want to spend money on distant relatives that we don't even care if they come. Do you think a wedding announcement might be appropriate for those specific family members instead? Like a "Hey, we got married and it was a pretty small wedding, sorry we couldn't celebrate with you" type thing?

View Quoted Comment Absolutely an announcement is appropriate. Only invite those you actually WANT to attend. For anyone sells that wants to be “kept in the loop” send an announcement after the fact.

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Yes, the struggle is real! His family has cut ties with people for far less than not being invited to a wedding, so I definitely don't want to be the one to tell him no. Our venue can fit them, but it isn't the most ideal if they do all decide to come. We wouldn't all fit in the covered space anymore, and an outdoor wedding in December can be hit or miss with the weather in Georgia. I don't want anyone sitting outside in the cold, which would probably feel second class even if the weather is nice. I really think a lot more of them will show up than he thinks. I don't know that it is worth fighting over though.

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I will bring it up to him and see if he likes that idea! People do talk, so they might still be salty leading up to the wedding if they hear about it from other people. But it seems like a nice inclusive option that is less gift grabby, too.

Only invite those you cannot imagine spending the day without. No one should be invited out of obligation. Don't invite people you aren't that close to for the same reason you don't invite plus one strangers. You first figure out how many people you want and find a venue to fit. With the pandemic, most venues have the same minimal capacity all around.

People can schedule time off from work with the advance notice of a save the date. People travel everyday to weddings. Outside of not being able to afford the trip or health concerns, there's really not much in the way of barriers keeping intended guests from attending.

Is there a particular reason why you think they won't attend?

Every family and social circle is different and has very little to do with culture. Some invite everyone and others only invite closest friends/family. Announcements are typically only sent for elopements.

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I don't believe in obligation invites either. Our venue can fit the number of guests on our current list, but neither the state nor the venue has put strict restrictions for what we can and can't do, so I am trying to limit our expected guest number down to half of the venue's total capacity (35 less than we have on the list now). He has a handful of family in Australia that he doesn't expect to come, plus a couple of family members that aren't in great health, and a few more that he thinks will be too broke to come (they aren't necessarily poor, but also don't tend to save for special events). I know the Australia family is unlikely to come, and the people in poor health probably won't make the 10 hr trip for the wedding, but I would not be surprised if the other folks do decide to come. But for those folks, we probably won't know until the week before the wedding if they are gonna come or not because they are liable to change their minds at the last minute.

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In that case, just send announcements via Facebook/email to those folks.

Only invite those you genuinely want there

I have a huge family, and not inviting any member, even one I knew couldn't make it, would cause WWIII. It would be so not worth the extra space saved. If you can invite them technically but know they won't come, I would.


I did have a cousin who really wanted a small wedding, and he did a tiered list. He and his fiance called guests and asked if they would come, then crossed them off when they said no and invited the next round. By the time invites went out, everyone had basically RSVP'd. Now this is considered super rude, and people did know they were on the B list, and there were tears shed because certain people's boyfriends were on the C list and not allowed to come. But at the end of the day, we are all still speaking to each other, and we would not have been if some family hadn't been invited.

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B listing is considered highly rude. People do find out that they are the second or third group chosen. It does not go over well because guests do talk, especially among family. They will never tell you directly but will talk among each other about your rude behavior. It will backfire so that possibly no one attends once they find out.

Significant others are an automatic invite regardless of how long they have been together.

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I definitely think the tiered list would cause problems in our situation, because our wedding won't be THAT small. But it is good that it worked out for your family. We might be able to scale it down based on closest relation, but otherwise I think we will end up having to keep everyone on the list.

I would be hesitant to send invitations to people with the hope that they wouldn’t show. My husband and I went through our list, predicting who would decline, and we were shocked how many of those individuals actually accepted and attended our wedding!

Send those people announcements after the wedding. No expectation of gifts after announcements, so you don't look gift grabby. There is an expectation anyone close enough to be invited, likely should send a gift. ( an expectation disappearing slowly because so many people send invitations to people they have not seen or even talked to in 3 plus years, and to people who cannot possibly come, who generally should not be invited to begin with. )

View Quoted Comment Never write an apology for not inviting them on a wedding announcement. Your wedding announcement which does include your after marriage preferred titles, names and address, contact info if you choose, should be sent to anyone you would send a ( non-business) change of address to. It is a positive thing, we would like to hear from you and receive invitations from you in the future that most people still use, judging from the number we get annually. As anyone who has recently put together a formal address list knows, people who send you their after marriage titles and names, as well as addresses, are wonderful. If you want others to send them to you, send yours out.

I would not send invites to people you think aren't coming and then they surprise you and do show up. Last thing you want to do is have more guests show up than your venue can hold. Invite people who add value to your life and that you will still talk to even after the wedding.

Definitely assume everyone on your list will come. I haven't had my wedding yet but I had an issue with my FMIL where she kept telling us we could invite 20+ people over our limit because she was "sure they wouldn't come" she even said this for people who lived close to our venue. But her prime example was a cousin who lives in Canada (we're in the US not that close to Canada lol) and she said "oh for sure she won't come" back in Sept. Well now I'm hearing from her that this cousin who hadn't been back to the states for a decade just went and got her passport because she's so excited to come to our wedding. So glad I put my foot down and said I wouldn't invite over our limit just because some people might not come. Invite everyone that you would want to be there but definitely make sure you have room for each and every one of them to show up. Waaaay better to end up with extra space than not enough.