To Invite or Not to Invite

Eh, this is sticky.

When we got married, I definitely sent invitations to family who I knew would not be able to make it, and they knew, too - but they would have been VERY offended and hurt if they didn't receive an invitation. My aunt gracefully but firmly made it clear to my parents that she was "hoping she would not be forgotten even though she would not be able to make it." Translation: I better get an invite, even though I won't be able to attend. There is definitely a generation/cultural aspect to this, because I also received a wedding invitation from a friend who knew very well I would not be able to travel to her wedding. I told her before the the invite went out that I wouldn't be able to attend, but she still sent one, basically "I love you and didn't forget about you." (It is possible, however, that she accounted for me in the seat count anyway, I'm not sure.)

However, as a general rule, I am opposed to inviting and "expecting" not to come. This isn't an airline that can overbook seats and just bump people to the next flight. The more people you invite who you "expect" not to come, the higher the risk one of them suddenly finds their schedule cleared up for their attendance.

I’m sending invites to people who will 99% won’t come. But I really want them to come. I’m enclosing a hand written note telling them that I understand they may not want to travel but I would honored to have the attend.
These are people who are important to me - adults in childhood who gave me a sense of love and stability in a rough childhood, peers that I am close to but we’ve spent 20 years moving around with jobs, and high school friends who are spread out. I will be sad if they can’t come but I also want them to know that after a difficult divorce 10 years ago and a struggle getting back on my feet, that I am exquisitely happy and want to celebrate with them!

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That is a good point! I just found out there is actually a much smaller limit on how many people we can comfortably seat than I thought (right at 100), which makes it all the more important for us not to over-invite. At the same time, it might actually make it easier because we can keep our list to closest family only. You make such a good point about "not being forgotten." I think we will ask our friends and family to spread the word that our wedding will have to be capped at a smaller number than expected to hopefully keep people from being disappointed if they don't get an invite. But I am totally fine with the idea of sending invites as keepsakes for those who want one but can't come. A dear friend of mine was heartbroken that she didn't get an invite or STD from a close family friend who had a very tiny wedding. I would hate for that to happen to any of my friends or family.

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I initially felt the same way. I wanted to include everyone we would want to come, even if we really thought they wouldn't be able to. But now our numbers are getting out of hand, and I would rather be certain that all of our guests have a seat than give every person ever the chance to come. I wish we had enough room to invite all of the important people in our lives, but unfortunately we will have to draw the line somewhere.

View Quoted Comment Thankfully my numbers are pretty low so far - we’re both introverts LOL
And as we’ve gotten older we don’t have friends that was to so much socialize with - prob because we like staying home LOL
We have a big Christmas open house every couple of years and tons of people come and we realize how most of our friends are not part of a group but more 1 on 1 LOL

I seem to be going against the grain here, but I will throw my thoughts in.


Weddings, once you start inviting people outside of the couple and their parents, because about the guests and not about the couple. Weddings also come with social expectations, whether we want to admit it our not, and there is pretty standard etiquette tied up in weddings.
It is also your FH’s wedding. If he wants to send invites to these people, he is well within his right to do it! That doesn’t mean though, he doesn’t have to now help out to accommodate those guests. Explain to him that you both need to plan for those 20 guests to accept. He might need to pick up a side job to help cover expenses. If he doesn’t want to do that, then keeping the family peace isn’t that important to him and then you don’t have to invite them!

Don't invite more people then your venue can hold in hopes some of them wont be attending, cause people will surprise you and may show up and suddenly you're over your guest allotment.

I will say, there is only one couple we are planning to invite that we're 100% positive wont show, but we would love to have them there if circumstances were different. My FH's dad's best friend battled leukemia and chemo sped up Alzheimer's he was already living with, we're not even sure he'll still be with us by the time our wedding comes around, but if he is, him and his wife will get an invite, they're trying to keep life as normal as possible for him so he gets one. If it happens that he's no longer with us, his wife will still be invited.