Tanzie
Savvy October 2020

The boyfriend of the Mother of the Groom

Tanzie, on August 1, 2019 at 12:26 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 25
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Ok so how do I put this nicely? I do not want the boyfriend of my fiance's mother at the wedding nor do I feel like he should be honored. I know that sounds selfish but quiet honestly he's most likely not going to stay in the family for long he doesn't treat my future mother in law well. The only reason she hasn't broken up with him is because she feels bad that he wouldn't have anywhere else to go if she broke up with him. He does not work and doesn't bring money in at all, all he does is mooch off of her and my fiance's family. How can I in good conscience honor this man? Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

25 Comments

Latest activity by Gen, on August 6, 2019 at 11:52 AM
  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    Hi Tanzie! If the date on your profile is correct, there's still time for your FMIL's relationship to change. I totally understand your reasoning for not wanting to invite him! However, please wait closer to the date before making a final decision

    • Reply
  • D
    Super July 2020
    D ·
    • Flag
    I agree with Cher. Time will tell. Hopefully mom has the gumption to kick him out by then. Congrats on your engagement!
    • Reply
  • Keri
    Expert November 2019
    Keri ·
    • Flag
    You have plenty of time. No decision has to be made soon.
    • Reply
  • Brandi
    Devoted September 2021
    Brandi ·
    • Flag
    Congratulations!
    Don't rush into a hasty decision. In time if he doesn't change it if the M.i.l. doesn't boot him out, simply be honest. If you're not comfortable, then say so. It's your day, you should be happy. Good luck
    • Reply
  • Carol
    Devoted October 2019
    Carol ·
    • Flag
    How exactly do you think you would have to honor him? If he's not contributing anything to the wedding and hasn't contributed anything to your FH'S life, he doesn't deserve any special recognition.
    • Reply
  • Kalie
    Dedicated June 2020
    Kalie ·
    • Flag
    Unfortunately you would ruin your future mother-in-law’s day if you do not invite him. However, it’s a tough situation to talk about and maybe your groom should step up and handle this with his mom once you talk to him about it, but since he isn’t your groom’s father I would say he definitely does not need to be honored at your wedding. I would place him at the table, but not have him involved in any announcements.
    • Reply
  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
    • Flag

    I would definitely wait until closer to your wedding date to make a decision like that, and I would definitely be talking to your FH about this to see how he feels. Really he should be the one making that decision. If it were me, I'd probably just be the bigger person and plan as if he will be there and walking FMIL down the aisle. Him being there shouldn't affect your wedding, unless you let it...and I feel like not including him would only cause drama. So, my advice: plan as if he is going to be there, and if their relationship happens to change before then than it wouldn't be hard to adjust. As of right now, he is considered "family," regardless if you like him or not, because your FMIL is choosing to be with him......and no one likes all of their family 100% of the time.

    • Reply
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    I say wait until your RSVPs need to go out to worry about this. Maybe he'll be gone by then.
    Frankly you don't need to invite anyone you don't want to but should consult your fiance about it. Ultimately your fiance should be discussing this with his mother not you
    • Reply
  • Arielle
    Expert August 2020
    Arielle ·
    • Flag

    I agree with the PPs. This is not a problem you need to tackle now. You have plenty of time and things can change (hopefully cause he doesn't sound great).

    • Reply
  • FutureMrsC
    Expert October 2019
    FutureMrsC ·
    • Flag

    I was in a similar situation last year but the problem worked itself out. Do not worry about it yet becasue you don't know what could happen in the next year. Plus, it is not worth bringing this up now in my opinion because it is inevitably going to to cause drama and with your wedding being over a year away it'll probably drag on and on.

    • Reply
  • Kayla
    Dedicated November 2020
    Kayla ·
    • Flag
    You still have time to make that decision and things could change! If they don’t however it might be a good idea to get your FH to take lead on opening that discussion with your mother in law.
    • Reply
  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
    • Flag

    Good news and bads news: First the good: Please stop worrying about this issue now as your wedding is far far away, things could change.

    Bad news: If they are together, you have to invite him. Unless there is threat of physical harm, they will be a social unit. Look, my mom was dating a man I absolutely loathed when I married the first time in 1994 but guess what? I had to invite him as he was the other half of the social unit. I kept him out of pictures and basically did not talk to him all night and we all lived to tell. If you choose to not invite him your mom may stay home. Do you want that?


    • Reply
  • Futuremrsm
    Expert October 2020
    Futuremrsm ·
    • Flag
    My mom was in a relationship like that so I understand. That being said I think it would be in the best interest to just invite him. Even though he doesn't treat your FMIL right I think it would just stir up tension to not invite him to the wedding. There is still time for their relationship status to change. I would also talk to your FH about it and get his opinion as well
    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    Certainly wait it out and don’t worry about it until invites go out. At that point he’ll likely either be gone or they will be more solid in their relationship, so it may sort itself naturally.

    At any rate, there’s no need to “honor” a parent’s SO anyway. Many honor parents because of the parenting they did. Certainly not necessary to do any honoring of the person they date after you’re a grown adult.
    • Reply
  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
    • Flag

    I want to add a part about "honoring" him. Why would you? If there is a part of the ceremony where you are going to honor your parents, he can stay seated. Not up for debate.

    • Reply
  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·
    • Flag

    I agree with others, wait and see. And he does not have to be honored. The tricky part is if there are stepparents you want to honor, but not him.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Your opinion of his character does not matter in this. Your FI chose you, for what he sees in you. It does not matter if his family likes you or not. Because their son is welcome in their home, he is allowed to bring his choice of girlfriend ( you) any time to family functions, and has a right to expect his family to politely welcome you, not criticize and make judgement on your character. The reverse is true here: you are expected to welcome MOG significant other, whether you like him it not, without inspecting him, or making judgements about his character. Unless he is violent, ielr doing something criminal. . . Families would blow apart if ever person's companions had to pass an approval test. So the society's way if dealing with it is that for social occasions, you invite the principal guest, and must accept the boyfriend, fiance it live in companion if that principal guest. You do not have to like the person. Just accept them, on your lived one's say so. Your only choice, is to issue an invitation in his name, or to tell MOG , you will give her a plus one, so she can bring him, or, should they break up, or he does not want to come, she can invite another person. And hope they break up. You can't always get what you want. If groom's mother matters, you have to invite her, and it is a package deal.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    For an October 2020 wedding, you can wait until invitations are written in July 2020 to invite him or whoever MOG wants. That is lots of time to break up if they are going to. 😉 Not worth worrying about this far out
    • Reply
  • Cheryl
    Expert November 2020
    Cheryl ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I was going to suggest keeping him out of the formal family pictures as well. There may be a table pic and one with your FMIL and him walking down the aisle, but that's really all I can think of that you can't exclude him from.
    • Reply
  • Candace
    Dedicated January 2021
    Candace ·
    • Flag
    As others have said, no decision has to be made yet! However, if things continue as they are, I would let your FMIL bring his as her plus one, but nothing more. He doesn’t need to be honored in any way, in my opinion, if he is not contributing to the wedding and if he does not hold a significant spot as a father like figure in your FH life.
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