Tell Bridesmaids cost of being a bridesmaid?

@Michelle, no she really can't. If she can't afford the shower, then she shouldn't have offered to host it. It's like volunteering to buy someone a car and then calling up their friends and family for donations. It's the responsibility of the person who offered alone.

You could tell her that you don't need a shower, and you wouldn't mind if she cancelled. Or you could tell her you'd prefer to keep it really small - like just the BMs and your mom and granny or whatever. And you can ask her to have it in mid afternoon so all she really needs is a grocery store cake, pot of tea and bottle of cheap bubbly. There are lots of ways to help her save money on it without making it the financial responsibility of people who never offered to host.

Per google search

Searched

Seriously, no. You are welcome to go ahead and believe your google search if you want, but you also mentioned being afraid of losing friends by forcing them to pay for things. If you try this, you may lose those friends. And you can't say you weren't warned. Your call.

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I don't subscribe to the all they have to do is buy the dress and show up. Perhaps that's a regional/cultural thing for everybody I know. But anyway...

I do think you need to make things as AFFORDABLE for them as possible. For example, the only thing I required of them was to purchase the dress and I kept it reasonable (less than $150). I let everybody wear shoes they already had (I mean long dresses, nobody sees their shoes anyway!) and I provided a MUA and hairstylist they could use if they wanted (but again didn't have to). Otherwise I said chat with each other on if you plan to do a shower/bachelorette as that costs money. I was generously afforded both a bachelorette and shower and my BMs all chipped in for both (although the majority of the shower was hosted by my Godmother).

Personally, I think it's wise to talk with BPs about the financial commitment of being in a wedding. Even if all you require them to do is buy a dress and show up, it's STILL a commitment (time, possibly travel, etc.). OP, I think you're doing a smart thing. Just don't tell them they HAVE to do anything other than buy the dress, just encourage them to talk with each other about the plans for extra events.

Like others have said, don't base all your knowledge on google searches. You can find literally anything (real or fake, true or false, thoughtful or rude) on the searches.

The people on here are trying to give you blunt advice on how to be the most gracious and thoughtful bride. Take their advice or don't that's on you.

ETA: words

@OP, you don't--and shouldn't--tell your bridesmaids how much the role will cost. Anyone who's grown up in the US and/or has seen "Bridesmaids" knows that there are some expenses involved. If they have questions, there are plenty of personal finance news stories devoted to the topic they can find on the ol' Google.

If you're worried about their expenses, you can alleviate their burden by doing mismatched dresses (they can scour the clearance racks or do Rent the Runway) and/or picking out shoes they likely already have, such as black or nude pumps.

I told my bridesmaids by giving them the example of when I was a bridesmaid and how much i had to pay for my dress, shoes, jewelry,etc. Just so that way they have a rough idea of what they are getting into and round abouts how much it might cost them.

I disagree with the other posters, I think your MOH should ask the bridesmaids if they would like to help and co-host the shower, BUT without any expectations that they will say yes.

@annieh I was misinformed and asked her to throw the shower cause I have no idea what I am doing ??

I feel bad now, my MOH asked me what her responsibilities were as an MOH and I said to help me do some wedding planning and throw a bridal shower and bachelorette party if she felt like throwing a bachelorette party because my fiancé specifically asked that we not have bachelor/bachelorette party I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that I'm really confused About what it is that I am or am not supposed to do as a bride I mean technically I can ask people for anything right and it's up to them if they want to agree or not.

Many people on here are saying get the dress and show up, but there are some people that insist on paying for their own stuff. Maybe have a chat with your girls about what you would like for attire and see if anyone already has items (shoes, jewellery, ect) to help cut the cost. For showers and such, they could help set it up, but it's up to them if they pay anything. Perhaps set them a budget and give them the money to throw one (if they offer!)?

Typically, you're not supposed to let them pay anything unless they insist or if it's something of small cost.

Hi Michelle! Hopefully this helps:

Bridesmaids are responsible for buying their bridesmaid dress, but you should discuss everyone's budget with them individually beforehand to make sure you choose a dress that they can all afford!

If you want them to wear specific jewelry or shoes or accessories, you need to foot the bill! Or you can give easy guidelines that accommodates what a lot of people already own, like asking your bridesmaids to wear black shoes and simple silver jewelry!

For bridesmaid's hair and makeup - if you are requiring they have it done professionally, you pay. Or you can give them the option and tell them the cost and let them each decide if they want to pay for a pro to do it or do it themselves!

Typically the bridal party does host a shower and / or bachelorette, but you never want to be demanding one as a bride. These events don't have to be expensive at all! If your MOH is taking the planning lead I'd have her chat with the other bridesmaids about planning and if they are willing to help contribute. Host a shower at a friend's house with fun games, mimosas, and baked treats for your bridal party and they're all set! Super easy and inexpensive

It does cost money to be in the bridal party, just like it costs money to attend a wedding! As a good host you should be considerate of the costs and think about ways that you can make everything more affordable!

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Michelle, google/ especially "glamour" magazine is not the be-all-end-all of rules. Please do not believe everything you read on the internet.

Being upfront is good. If you can't pay for everything that is fine. I am buying a few gifts for my bridesmaids. I told the cost of hair and makeup if they wanted to get it at the salon only 3 of them are coming & the rest are doing their own thing. I let them know the cost of the dress and that they should pick their own shoes in a specific color, don't have to match and neither does the hair. If you can't pay then you can't pay. It will be ok. Just be honest with them and I am sure they will be,able to handle the cost. Don't believe everything you read or see that you have to foot the bill if you want something particular for them to wear. I've been in several weddings and paid for my dress, shoes, hair, & makeup. In the weddings that I've paid for things I've even put in extra for the bacholerette party as well. Everyone is different and how they do it is different. If everything is reasonable it will be just fine. Don't feel pressure to break your bank for your "perfect" wedding. It might make it more of a nightmare.

Everyone has different expectations of what a bridal party should do. A lot of it has to do with where you are from. My advice might be unpopular but it may help you... if you haven't asked the girls already I would say to think about each girl and whether or not they've been financially responsible in the past and if they typically come up with a way to pay for something if it really matters to them. If you have anyone in mind that's terrible with money for example if you have a friend that tends to spend a ton at the bar one weekend and then can't go to your bday party the next weekend, I would make sure evaluate the friendship and decide if it's worth it to have her as a bridesmaid. Next I would say to plan things to be cheap- consider that you might not have a shower, think of a cheap idea for a bachlorette party, this way if you come to find that your girls can't really afford much you wouldn't have gotten your hopes up. As for the dress, ask them their budgets and have them vote on shoes of a certain color and don't require certain jewerly

Thanks

It's ok Michelle, I'd just have another talk with your MOH & tell her "hey, I was a little hasty and have dialed down expectations- no pressure to do anything above buying the dress!"

It's good that you're here and are keeping an open mind- this forum can be a lot to take in, but has helped me avoid lots of mistakes already! Congrats & happy planning!

I agree that nothing is "required." However, I think if your MOH put it as "would you like to help me throw a shower?" That would be ok, and emphasize there is no pressure but just making sure to include them if they'd like to be. And it can be done privately.

Michelle, you said you're a blunt woman -- well, so are many of us, so if you think of the tone you're inferring as being direct/blunt, it might make a difference in the way you're interpreting the advice.

Stay off of google searches. You will find blogs that continually generate the worst advice -- as in, "How to Have a Nearly Free Wedding" (by skimping on food, alcohol, and using every friend you can think of). The honor attendant searches can lead you down a terrible road, depending upon who generated the content. Some of the things I've read, pertaining to BM responsibilities, are absolutely ridiculous. Some of the things members of this community are requiring of their BMs are absolutely ridiculous. One poster actually said, "They're called BridesMAIDS for a reason."

Stick with this forum. I promise you, the majority will give you excellent experience based (and professional) advice.

Everyone has covered the bases as far as the BMs attire and accessories are concerned. They pay for the dress. Period. As far as the parties go, nothing irritates a BM more than the MOH taking complete control of a shower or bachelorette and then handing everyone the bill for their portion. They absolutely must be consulted if they're expected to fund the parties. If they aren't -- or weren't -- then it's on your MOH to pay for this herself. Some may offer to subsidize the cost, but if they weren't consulted before hand, then they are not obligated.

As for your BM who will have to fly to attend your wedding, that's not that unusual in this day and age. Yes, it's a huge expense, but she'll let you know if she can't meet that challenge. You don't have to fund her trip, but if it's really bothering you, you could consider paying for her hotel room (she won't have to know until she arrives).

ETA: spelling