Surprising people at your wedding revealing you are actually already married?

Not telling people you are married for two years, will make all these people feel you are lying to them, or did for two years. Nobody likes being lied to. I'd be furious, and might walk out with their check in my wallet. Ordinarily I would send their gift after the small private wedding, or give one at the reception to celebrate their marriage 2 years later, and happily gone. But someone who does not tell you the truth for 2 years, I don't want to be friends with. I don't mind not being invited to the party 2 years later and not the private wedding or an elopement. Fine with that. Not lies.

As Judith said, it's the lie that bothers people. Most people are more than happy to attend a big celebration a while after private nuptials - but no one likes to be lied to.

I would have a very serious conversation with your friend; she may end up hurting or even ruining many relationships this way. People will see this as a major deception. If I were invited to a wedding only to find out it wasn’t a wedding and the marriage was kept secret for 2 years, I would see this solely as a gift grab. I would be livid and would probably not consider this person to be an important figure in my life moving forward. If she was up front about this being a reception, vow renewal, or wedding celebration, I’d be thrilled to be celebrating with her. Surprises are fine for birthday parties and pregnancy announcements, not for weddings that have already happened. Best thing to do is announce the marriage and plan the celebration without deception.

Because it is deceptive. If I feel I have been lied to, tricked, or deceived, yeah that’s going to leave a bad taste in my mouth. Would I be long-term angry about it? Probably not, but in that moment I would definitely be more confused than happily surprised. Maybe I would leave early, idk. Why does she think guests will be so excited when they learn the news? Given the circumstances, I think people will completely understand why they are being invited to a vow renewal vs. the actual marriage. Some won’t care, but there will for sure be some who harbor resentment and it’s important she considers this in the long run.

I don't see anything wrong with this. It is super common to do the legal paperwork for practical reasons and then have a full wedding later. I wouldn't even think twice about it as a guest and just be grateful I was included in the celebration!

Personally I wouldn't care. People get married privately for so many reasons and I just wouldn't see the point in being upset about something I couldn't change.

Yeah I would think it's a bit deceiving. if I were invited to a 2 year vow renewal I would be super happy to celebrate and gift them something. but if I found out at the wedding . . I'd think it's shady. idk why, it just doesn't sounds right. but it's totally up to her.

Never in favor of lying to people -- especially those who should be your nearest and dearest friends and family, as most wedding guests are. And, given that some friends and family already know the truth, it's really hard for me to imagine that word will not spread in the next year and a half.... What a mess if a bunch of people know and others don't -- I'd be even more hurt and would definitely feel deceived if others knew the truth and all of them went along with the deceptions.... I'm all about adults making the choices that are best for them, but then I expect them to own those decisions and their ramifications -- that's what grown-ups do. Please, please try to get her to rethink this plan.... What does she see as the advantages of a choice that will potentially hurt/upset people they care about? Especially in the current circumstances, I don't think many guests will think twice about receiving a wedding announcement and a save-the-date for a vow renewal or wedding celebration. Good luck! I'd think it will be hard for you too to be asked to participate in this deception....

A lie by omission is still a lie. Why is she trying to keep it a secret? Why doesn’t she just be honest & let people know this is a vow renewal?

I would hope that if I am close enough with someone to attend their wedding, that I am close enough to them to be aware of major events in their life. Its not like this is a couple of months later, she is talking about 2 years. For 2 years they pretend not to be married When wedding planning is brought up, they lie again and pretend not to be married. When we have a pre wedding event, they lie again and pretend they aren't married. Some people know, but some don't. So I am the stupid dupe who wasn't included in knowing that you are happy and in a new stage of life. I would be thinking I was an idiot and would feel angry at the couple. Also, people go out of their way to attend a wedding. If I knew you had been married for two years, but never told me...I am not sure you are a good enough friend/relative to go out of my way for. I don't love it ever...but the 2 years really sticks out to me.

This just isn’t a happy surprise for guests, especially if they’re invited to an event guests think is supposed to be celebrating the couple’s new marriage (like a first-time legal ceremony). They should really consider just calling it a vow renewal or anniversary party.

People never appreciate being lied to. While they will never tell you to your face, they will be highly offended and possibly cut off all ties with you.

Well it looks like you got your answer on why people people think it's wrong. But yes, people seem very touchy about this subject and would feel deceived.

I wouldn't mind and would just think that is their personal decision and would still be happy for them!

I personally wouldn’t mind, particularly given the pandemic and several couples doing this. If this were pre-pandemic I might feel a certain way. But I think it makes perfect since given the times. Some people may have a reaction though, so she may want to consider this.

I personally think people make things way more than it needs to be. It's not wrong in my opinion and if I attended a wedding and this happened I wouldn't be offended or upset at all. It's their personal decision, I think people are extra for no reason. Who cares it's their lives lol

I think it's all in the matter of timing.

Some friends of mine had huge family drama, so they slipped away to a park and got married, legally, a few days before their wedding. They are now open about it, but it was, really, only a matter of days.

*Two years* is a LONG time to keep it a secret (if they can, that's a LONG time to hide that kind of secret), and it makes people feel like the couple doesn't really consider them friends.

My cousin got married without telling anyone, we found out via text message with a picture of them at the courthouse saying “hey we got married today.”


I’m one of 9 cousins, and we were all raised closer to siblings than cousins, and we were all extremely hurt that this is how we were told and we were told the day of. If I was to go to a wedding to find out that she had been married for 2 years I would have been even more hurt. I personally would feel as if we were “important” enough to this couple to be told about their legal marriage for 2 years. It just feels kind of shady to me, I understand the thought as I was toying with the idea of getting married at the court house and then just throwing a bbq for our friends and family where we would tell them we were married to save money on a big wedding, but knowing my family dynamic people would feel left out and hurt so we decided against that.