Step Children

Wait wait wait wait wait, what is even going on here lol.

No, you don't have to ask. The children are not "owned" by their mother. They have another parent, the one that is getting married, and in what world is a father not able to make these decisions for his children?

I'm actually completely baffled why that isn't even addressed here.

My son was "in" my wedding. Our officiant made a statement that the vows made to my husband were also vows made to my son in the name of family. We didn't include him other than that, but if you do, that's fine. My son's father also got married last year and I had no advanced notice of what they planned on doing with my son because.....his father was there to make decisions about that. His wedding was not my business at all. This is insane.

I agree with Lara. Vows in my opinion should be exchanged only between a husband and wife. Any promises made to my daughters from my future husband will be made in private. Any gift exchange will also happen in private.

As a step mom of three boys who are not allowed comes to our wedding (Family law system back home gives control

To the Mom with little to no consequence for denying visitation) I am very jealous of your relationship with your fhs ex. I would love even a civil relationship nevermined being friendly enough to have attend the wedding. On this basis alone I would tell her, not ask, in the nicest way possible that you plan to make a small vow to her children to care for and love them (leave out the 'like mine own' part . I don't see her having a problem with it by the sounds of it. No normal person would have a problem with someone promising to care for their child.

Those objecting and saying you have to ask - if the bio mom was getting married would you have the same opinion that's the bio dads permission is required for the step dad to vow to care for the children?

I'll throw my thoughts in as a mom and step-mom.

Janeen hit the nail on the head, as usual. Their father has the right to make the decision on how his children will be included in his wedding. The mom does not have a say in that,AT ALL, and shouldn't be asked. Asking her "permission" will set the stage for years to come. "Can they go on vacation with us?" It's fine to communicate your plans with the mom, but she doesn't get to be in control on dad's time. Dad does.

Also, I personally believe that a wedding is about the commitment of the bride and groom. I find it odd when vows are made to children. Those children will grow up, leave your home, and make vows to their own spouses someday. I do think it's important to recognize the family being joined together, such as with a unity ceremony. But vows are a little much, to me.

Sara, you just need to sit down and shut up. I'm sorry you apparently did not have a good childhood as the child of divorce, due to presumably a step-parent, but NOT every relationaship is like that. There are some lovely vows out there for blended families to be used in a way to include step-children and make them feel like a part of the family. It's not "creepy" in anyway. No step-parent is trying to fill the shoes of another (still living) parent. I know my future step-daughter has a Mom, and I respect that. My FSD has CHOOSEN to call me Mom. I never forced her to, unlike her own mother her has forced her to call every boyfriend since Dad. FH and I have been together 11 years, and it's been a lot of work blending out famililes. Yes, we've both made mistakes with each other's children, but we've made it through and we're a stronger family for it. NEITHER of our daughters expects us to get back with the other parent. Neither one of us has tried to usurp the other bio parent. We've just tried to be there and love them. End of story. This isn't a Disney movie with a wicked step-parent. May I suggest some counseling because you seem to have some step-parent anger issues you should get resolved.

OP- Both of our daughters (one is his, and one is mine) are participating. Mine is the Best Woman and his is my MOH. We are also doing a sand ceremony. I also looked for vows for a blended family. but haven't found any I really love. We're not asking permission of the other parents, but it's complicated and it sounds like your FH's relationship with his ex is better than either of ours. I have custody of my daughter, plus she's 18, so no question there. We're in the process of getting physical custody of his daughter (she wants to do high school with us), and will probably have to ask to have her during part of her Spring Break since she would usually be with her mom, and we're getting married during that time.

My sister and I were bridesmaids in my dad's wedding. They did not include us in their ceremony vows, and I think my sister and I would've had a really hard time with it if they did. If my stepmom (whom I love) were to have said something in her vows to my dad about loving us, it would've been fine. But if my sister (she was 9 and I was 12) and I were asked to say vows or had my stepmom said vows to us during the ceremony, I think we would've been upset. The situation between my mom, stepmom, and dad at the time was very strained, and we were still processing my parents divorce 2 years prior.

Obviously every situation is different, but for me, I'm very glad they did not include us in their vows. It was a really nice gesture to be included in their bridal party though.

Seems like you have a good relationship with their mom so asking her for them to be in the wedding may be overdoing it.

There is no one answer to this.

I don't know that you would actually HAVE to ask, but if you have a good relationship, I think it's a very nice idea and would go a long way in peacemaking. IF you have a terrible one, don't bother...it may make it worse.

As for involvement; many of my couples include children in sand, glass pourings, hand fastings or candle lightings. Some will say vows to the kids to protect and care for them, but I never have the kids vow anything back; THAT Is creepy.

Blended families are extremely hard work for everyone, and I have a lot of respect for everyone involved.

When my dad and step-mom got married they each had gold bracelets made for all 4 kids with our names, birthstones, and wedding date engraved on them. At the ceremony my dad put them on her two kids and she put them on my brother and me. I still have mine 17 years later.

@2016beachwedding I'm in the same boat as you. It's still up in the air whether or not FHs children will be "allowed" to be at our wedding. So ridiculous.

I just want to say how nice it is to see so many women here with loving relationships with their step-kids, and I think having a special moment with the kids where you promise to always love and support them is a wonderful thing, whether during the ceremony or any other time.

Um Sara, with all due respect, those kids are just as much his kids and hers, and this is his wedding.

Would you ask your ex if your kids could be in your wedding? or is that only for dads?

I think that mother's like you give mom's a bad name because you tend to be of the "I can do whatever I want, I am their mother" variety

OP- I would say, mention your thoughts, only as a respect thing for a women you like. Also, the girls are likely going to tell her what is going on in the planning anyway, you don't want it to seem like a secret.

I am still stuck on your FH's ex coming to your wedding......

@2016beachwedding- YES, I would have the same exact opinion about a bio-mom and stepdad. Adults making vows to children as part of their adult wedding ceremony just skeeves me out.

My FH doesn't even refer to himself as "step-dad". The kids have a dad who is very involved in their life. My kids are older, so already raised-but FH has been around since their early teen years. He isn't actually a parent to them in any way though. He loves them, and is supportive of them, but he isn't their dad, and doesn't need to be. If their dad wasn't around-he would have stepped into that role. [Hence, "step-parent" There is a basis behind terms we use ....]

I am not having my kids IN the wedding in any way. They will be there as guests. Again, asking them to participate in my commitment to a man who isn't their father just feels wrong to me. I would be perfectly ok if they told me they didn't even want to come. They are happy for me though, so they want to be there.

For everyone calling me names and telling me to shut-up- I never said anything about asking permission for kids to be in the wedding. OP was SPECIFICALLY ASKING about "vows", and including them in the ceremony. She didn't want to ask the mom about that part because she was worried the mom would say no. So I gave a very honest opinion that she should indeed ask, but really-NO, please just don't do it at all, because it's creepy.

I didn't hijack a thread and give unsolicited advice. I gave a differing opinion. If someone doesn't want to hear opinions that are different than their own, they shouldn't ask.

Sara B - it's really sad your FH has been in your kids lives and isn't a parent to them. My future step daughter sometimes just calls me mom. I have 2 of them and they both know I will support and be there for them but they still have to listen to me when I'm the one in charge. And FH acts as a parent towards my daughter.

The point of vows to the kids is that you are showing that you are committing your life not only to their father, but them too. Acknowledging that they are a package deal. Our kids are super excited to be in our wedding. It's 2 families joining into 1, not just 2 people.

So calm the fuck down about its creepy because it's not.

OP - you sound like you will be a great step mom. I don't think you need to ask their mom. You are just vowing to be an addition to the support system and that's awesome. It's not like you are trying to take their mom's place. Ignore sara........she is way out of hand

As a step child with both sets of parents remarried, I think it is very nice that you want to include the kids. It is already special to them to be in the wedding, but you saying a little something to them and giving them a necklace of sorts is showing your commitment to them. They are not making a commitment to you. I would agree with sara that it would be weird if you were asking them to say vows to you, but you're not so it's fine.

My parents remarried in my early teens. I wasn't present for my mom's wedding which has always bothered me. My sisters and I were BMs along with my stepmom's daughter in my father's wedding. It was important to them to unite us as a family. I knew exactly where I stood with his side, I'm still confused at times with my stepdad at 31 years old.

@sara I think you have a very different view on step parents and their roles in the children's lives than most. You being skeeved out by a new step parent saying a little vow to the kids is very strange to me. It sounds like there is a husband and wife and your kids are off on their own separate island of family. In my mind, being one of those kids, it's more confusing to be excluded than included. You seem to have a very cold and distant family dynamic that you may want to re-evaluate for your children's sake. As adults they are likely going to have a hard time identifying and sustaining relationships.

Edit: Words

Although I have no personal experience with this, I think that maybe mentioning it to bio-mom would be a nice gesture but it is not necessary. The girls will likely mention something to her about it anyways, so having her in the loop might avoid any issues the day of. It sounds like you have a good enough relationship with her that you don't even need to say anything but if you do, she might appreciate your thoughtfulness.