Step Children

We are not asking bio mom. We all get along great and she wouldn't have an issue with it. I would assume he's part of her upcoming wedding as well.

We just did the sand ceremony with all the kids to show the joining of families

I wouldn't ask her permission. It's your wedding and I think asking just opens it up to her input/drama/whatever.

While I don't think you have to ask the bio mom, it might be a nice gesture. I don't know your relationship with her so I think it really depends on that!

Doing vows with the step children is such a good idea. I don't think you need to ask their bio mom about their involvement, but maybe just let her know what you guys are planning to do. Especially since you have a good relationship with her, I think she probably already expects them to be a part of the wedding.

FH has three kids each of them will be in the wedding (groomsmen and jr bridesmaid). We haven't made any plans to do anything else. Regarding asking permission yes you should. As the girls mother she has a say in if she wants her kids in there or not. It has nothing to do with "input, or drama" it has to do with respecting her as their mother.

I speak from experience, I had FH ask his ex-wife if the kids could be in the wedding. She said yes and that was that. There have been no demands, requests or even suggestion from her. I think your situation was be the same - so ask.

I guess when it comes to FH's 8 year old son, it was just kind of assumed he would be included in the BP as our ring bearer. We also invited bio mom, her husband, and their other kids too because we also get along well and do things together somewhat regularly. Honestly, I think bio mom expected us to have him there anyways!

The_legalista - Nice choice for your wedding date!

I tend to agree. We have quite a good relationship, I just wasn't sure on the rules/etiquette of the situation, if any at all!

I don't think you should have to ask permission. I am sure she expects the kids to be included somehow

She knows that they are flower girls, I just felt funny about doing our own special vows with them without mentioning it to her. But I don't want to mention it, in case she doesn't approve, I'd be pretty upset!

I might subtly bring it up, don't really want to blind side her on the day!

Thanks ladies! It's always good to hear of good relationships between step parents and bios!

I would ask.....just cause....

WHY my opinion ALWAYS differ lololol.....as a mother, who is no longer with her daughter's father, had he married one of his girlfriends, while our daughter was younger, I would want them to ask me and not just assume its ok. Especially, if we all have a good relationship & I am invited to the wedding like the OP said.....yeah, not that I would say no, but still just ask me, as her mother. You would ask any other child's mother who you want to participate in your wedding....

Yes, ask. I think the vows are creepy. They have a mom. Why do they need to make vows with YOU? Don't do this. Don't even ask their mom about it, it's gross and inappropriate. You are already having them as your flower girls which is exactly what they should be doing at this age.

It's great that you want to be a good step-parent and promise them you'll always be there or whatever. You don't need to speak that promise out loud when everything is great and make a weird dramatic pledge to them though. Just be a decent step parent.

It is creepy to promise to love and care for them as I would my own children and reassure them that I love them and their father? That's a little sad that you think that is creepy.

We WILL be saying a little something to make them feel included and loved, it is important to us. I know that they have a mum. I'm not trying to be their mum, never have and never will.

My FH has to two kids he has full custody of (their mom passed) and I am using them as mini bride and groom. We are also including them in the sand ceremony.

As a future step parent. With all due respect. Hell no you don't

I wouldn't ask permission but I would definitely mention to her as I'm sure she may help with the dresses hair etc of the girls

I haven't even considered asking my ex about the children being in the wedding. Both will be in the wedding party Jr bridesmaid and Jr groomsmen

We're not asking my FH's ex if my step son can be in our wedding, he will be and that's not a negotiation. He lives with us, I'm not just his "step mom", and he would be crushed if he weren't included.

PS: It's not creepy AT ALL to include them in your vows and/or unity ceremony. I'm completely baffled as to how it possibly could be.

It is creepy to include them in the vows-vows are made between adults. In some situations where a parent is absent, having a little extra something in the ceremony isn't wrong-but these kids have a mother who is present in their lives.

I am telling you as a bio-mom-and a child of divorce-it's really creepy. Their father is marrying you because their parents split up. It is enough that they are going to be in the wedding as flower girls. Having them participate "more" is downright mean spirited and wrong. Because they would rather have their father be married to their MOM, thank you very much. Not anyone else.

It's different when the parent getting married is your "only" parent. Then sure, the kids are happy to see their parents happy-sometimes... But when both of your parents are involved in your life and responsible and loving, watching them marry other people is going to bring up a lot of mixed emotions. Interacting with those other people is complicated.

I am really shocked by the insensitivity of so many brides here saying how they're absolutely going to "include" their step-kids and it's none of the bio-moms business. Ya'll have a screw loose. And no kids of your own yet. Because if this is how you treat the mother of your step-children whom you supposedly adore, this is NOT going to go well. Why would you be so disrespectful to the one person your step-child loves most in the whole world?

It doesn't matter if she's awful, a complete pain to get along with, or downright abusive even-kids LOVE their mothers. Trying to usurp her and go behind her back and basically just acting like she doesn't matter isn't going to win you any points in the cool stepmom department.

If you really want to be GOOD step-parents, please change your attitudes about your FH's exes. She loves her kids. Her kids love her. Try to treat her the same way you would treat a best friends mom rather than your FH's ex-wife. It will makes things easier for the kids and you. Even if she hates you and acts like a total witch-just be nice. Always. The kids need it from you.