Step Children

Uh, I'm not about to get into an argument with you, but I disagree with just about everything you said.

Not all situations are black and white. It's pretty obvious you're speaking as a bio mom... You're also making assumptions that no else on this thread has children. Your opinion isn't fact, it's opinion.

As for my situation, I take care of my step son. His mother doesn't. At all. He doesn't wish his father were still married to his biological mother. He is ecstatic we are getting married. As he puts it, "I've been waiting six years!" His response to his grandparents, when asked how excited he was, included him saying "because if they're not married and something happens to my dad, I'll have to go to Montana and I might not ever see *me* again."

My avatar is a photo of us, at the bridal salon, trying on and picking up my dress. Just the two of us.

So, no, not all situations are the same. And no, I don't feel at all bad about not asking his biological mother how she feels about him being in our wedding. When she decides to take care of her child, I might care. Until then, she doesn't get a say.

With that said, I'm going to go ahead and leave this thread now, before it all blows up...

ETA typo correction

My ex is getting married. The kids are of course going to the wedding.. I'm supportive and really don't object to a family ceremony. Having said that, the kids aren't included in vows and such.

Sara - you're the bio mum of our nightmares. Luckily my step daughters mother is nothing like you! Contrary to belief, their father also has a say in their involvement and their lives.

My step daughters are ecstatic about us getting married. They talk about it every chance they get! They are actually staying with me (without FH) at the venue the night before our wedding and will be pampered along with the rest of my BP. They are so excited to be involved, and I wouldn't take that away from them. I'm always shocked to see a mother that is against having more people in their children's life that love and care for them.

Thanks to everyone else! I'm only 24 and have grown into the step mum role (I don't have my own children yet) and it's been a challenging 5 years! I wouldn't change them for the world though.

One more thing - I am completely offended with what you said about "he's marrying you because he and the ex split up" and "the kids don't want him marrying anyone but their bio mum".

Sounds like you are a very bitter ex wife. I wish your ex husband all the best with finding a woman that would put up with that attitude.

FutureMrsW- you should probably read a comment in full rather than just skim it. I mentioned exceptions for people in your situation. So not sure at all what you're all in a tizzy about.

NearlyThere- My ex-husbands ex-girlfriend and I get along famously. She has two kids with him also. We spend all of our holidays together, as an extended family. She would never dream of just going ahead and doing something with my kids that I "might" not like. She asks first. That's a big part of why we get along so well, she has always been respectful towards my children and therefore myself as well.

Trotting out the "bitter ex-wife" cliché is very telling. And it's laughable that you are "completely offended" by the truth. Your FH would simply not be marrying you at all if he was still with the kids mother. Unless you're polygamists or something.......

Uhh... Im not sure how many people you know who married the first woman they were with, I don't know many. He didn't propose, let alone marry his ex girlfriend.

You are clearly a bitter, nasty woman. Good luck!

I read it, I found it rather rude... For those in a similar situation as mine, and those not. I simply don't agree with your stance. But again, not here to argue, so we will have to agree to disagree. I must go to bed, goodnight!

Very strong opinions here, but please do it without name calling & personal attacks. (https://www.weddingwire.com/corp/legal/community-guidelines)

Now, my personal opinion, as a mom whose ex remarried when our son was 5, is that asking is not necessary and gives her input into your wedding that doesn't really belong there. And I also disagree that including the kids in special vows is creepy, as long as it's your vows to them, not expecting them to make vows to you. I think it's sweet.

It's most definitely my promises to them. They are in no way being asked to respond.

Apologies for the language but wow.. Being told you are second best and only getting married because your FH is settling. Oh and also that you are not important to your step children. Absolutely stunned.

I have been thinking about this. I have been in my soon to be stepdaughter's life since she was 12 months old. She thinks her dad and I have always been together. She is 6 now.

I definitely do not feel I need to ask her mom's permission, because her dad also has a say in what she does. We never ask her permission for anything else while she is with us, so it would be weird anyways.

I will say that we don't have the best relationship with her, only because we don't agree with the way she parents.

I think since you do have a good relationship, and she approves, that she won't be thrown off by your vows to them.

I have decided against doing vows to her and I am going to buy her a special piece of jewelry and have a private talk with her. She is really excited we are getting married and that makes me so happy. Good luck to whatever you do.

I don't say you need to "ask permission" to include the step-kids. Instead say, "We'd like the kids to be in our wedding as FG, RG (whatever)."

I don't have children make vows to step-parents. But, a step-parent frequently says that s/he loves the children and will always be there for them. If the child is too young to understand, the new step-parent can say it to the parent. At this point in the ceremony, the grandparents are usually crying happy tears!

@sara b I completely disagree with you. I think it's incredibly rude of you and soo off base to say that it's "creepy" for her to want to make a vow to her stepchildren.

OP- I think it's a great idea and I don't think you necessarily have to ask but just tell her hey this is what we're planning and I'm so excited.

OP: I don't think you should have to ask permission for your future stepchildren to participate in the wedding. However, if bio mom and husband are going to be in attendance it might be nice if you just give her a heads up "hey, I am planning to say some quick vows to your girls as part of the ceremony." I am happy to see so many that have good relationships with ex's for the sake of the kids! I get along with my ex and his new gf however FHs ex wife is an absolute nightmare! We haven't even been able to see his kids since July.

Looking from both sides (having my step son and my bio son), I would not expect my son's father and soon to be wife to ask me permission to include him in their wedding. He is with his father and i expect that he is doing the right thing by him (including having a safe, nurturing partner to have around my son). If he wants to take him out of town, say on family trip with new wife then yes, let me know. I never even thought to ask my step-son's mom to allow how to be part of our wedding. We made sure to pick a date that is on his dad's shared visitation weekend and that's it. He will be with us and we do (within reason, like the example about a trip) what we want when he is with us. She does not check in with his dad on her visit times. I think people are forgetting that this is not a "best friend situation" where you should ask if her daughter can be flower girl. This is the other parent, so is he/she not able to make sound decisions on behalf of their own child?!

I think vows to the kids would be really nice. We're including all our kids in our ceremony in small ways also - we have two each. So we're both bio parents and will both be becoming step-parents. And I agree with @Ashley, if bio mom is going to be there, a quick "FYI" comment to her before would be nice. Not that you need her permission or her input, just that it's courteous.

I regularly text the boys bio-mom for questions about things they're allowed to do at her house vs. our house, especially when the 12 year old says things like "oh, yeah, my mom lets me have coffee!" lol. Because I think it's nice to be as consistent between the two houses as we can. But there are things we disagree on, and we discuss, and we move on with some sort of compromise the best we can. It's what good bio and step relationships should be. Courteous, but not "asking for permission". There's a big difference.

My FH and I each have a son from previous relationship. My son is 7 and his son is 4. We are not including them in our actual vows but we are doing a special part of the ceremony to include them and we are doing cord survivor bracelets like they use in the military to promise to always to protect them and love them. The boys are very excited about being included and having a special part in the wedding. My son is walking me down the aisle and my step son is the ring bearer. I am not asking his bio mom. My FH is his father and he's okay with it.

I don't understand when people say its creepy to include their kids in ceremony, we wouldn't have it any other way... they are such a big part of our lives and this effects their life too. FH even asked both boys if it was okay to marry me before he proposed.

Nearlythere, I don't think she meant that you were second best and that your FH is settling on you. I think the intention was that children always wish their parents were married to each other. I have a 12 year old step daughter and even though she realizes her parents are happier married to other people (and doesn't realize yet that her parents married only because she was conceived), she still wishes they were married to each other, as she has vocalized to her father. Her mother and I haven't always had the best relationship, but when it comes to SD, we're respectful of each other. I try very hard not to try and fill a "mother" role. We did not include vows to her in our ceremony (as in our opinion, the ceremony was about our marriage as husband and wife), but she was heavily involved in the planning, she was a BM, and I wrote her a card that I gave to her at the RD that could constitute "vows". I know in her mother's wedding to her step-father, they did do something special in the ceremony, I'm not sure what. They have 3 daughters between them.

ETA: we didn't ask SD's mom permission to include SD as we did and she didn't ask H's permission.

We are doing unity sand during the ceremony with FH's son, and he will be a junior groomsman. He won't be taking part in the vows, but I will likely say during mine something about putting our family first, and he is a part of our family.

I am very lucky for the situation that I am in. Bio mom is great and we get along. She and FH also get along very well. There are no hard feelings from either of them. The custody is 50/50, and she also lives with her Fiancé. I don't think that future step son thinks of me as a mother, but he does respect me as a step mother. He knows that he has 2 parents who love him, as well as 2 SOs that love him as well. He knows that no matter who is dealing with him, that the other 3 will back up the decision and be consistent. Bio mom describes us as a clan, and I think that she is correct.

I also know that not everyone has the same situation, like I said I am very lucky. I think everyone needs to take into account their personal situations and be respectful of the child, as well as all of the adults. There is no "right" way to do it that fits everyone. I know that I will always respect bio mom. She has done a great job with FH in raising him. I know that her fiancé and I also play a large part in that, and that she respects me for that as well.

@lauren17 - my FH did that too! He took all 4 to help him pick out the ring and they all managed to keep it quiet for over a week!!

1. No you do not have to ask. My step son is suppose to be with his mom that day (we are not inviting her) but she had no issue with him being there with us that day. She knew without having to ask or told that he would be involved.

2. No it is not "creepy" to make a vow to your step child. I am a bio mom myself (FH and I have a daughter together) and I would never find it creepy that there was a woman that loves my child enough to make a vow (or a promise) to love and be there for them. When FH read over our ceremony he said it was his favorite part. I love my step son and want him to realize that he is apart of this day. It's not about just joining FH and I together but his son as well who I have loved and adored for years.