~*World Of Whimsical*~
VIP November 2015

Stay Classy, Not Trashy

~*World Of Whimsical*~, on October 5, 2013 at 9:26 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 67
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I have some family on my invitation list that will no doubt be dumbstruck on how to dress for an evening wedding...or how to dress for anything other than Wal-Mart, for that matter. FH and I had a long discussion about how we should ask folks to dress, and we decided on a "formal/black tie preferred" dress code. After the decision was made and I began working on our wedding website, I somewhat agonized over a "nice" way to tell my guests to leave the clubwear and jeans at home. This is what I have come up with:

"The wedding is an evening affair. As such, the couple requests formal attire for the occasion. Black ties aren't required, but would be appreciated from male guests, and knee-length or longer dresses, or formal pant suits, would be appreciated from the female guests."

I don't want to do it, but I will have security turn away anyone that shows up looking like a slob or a slut. That's not what I want to look out and see.

Thoughts?

67 Comments

  • The Mrs R
    Master May 2014
    The Mrs R ·
    • Flag

    I think that's fine. I'm worried about FH's family looking like hillbillies and since the wedding is at a country club I addressed it on the website and made an insert for their invitations. We're not doing black tie, but I don't want any denim. Both my website and invitation inserts say "Due to Crestview's Dress Code: Please dress for the occasion. No denim please. Thank you!"

    • Reply
  • Z
    Master May 2012
    Zoe ·
    • Flag

    It's your wedding, so you can do what you want. From an etiquette standpoint, you really don't get to tell your guests what to wear, and really, *really* don't get to turn them away at the door lke you're a club trying to preserve your image. As I say, though, it's up to you whether you love your family or the look of your wedding guests more.

    • Reply
  • Celia Milton
    April 2020
    Celia Milton ·
    • Flag

    I agree with Zoe. A wedding is not a performance. It's a celebration with you friends and family, warts and all.

    Security? Over the top.

    • Reply
  • Private User
    VIP October 2022
    Private User ·
    • Flag

    Yeah, security seems a little...much.

    • Reply
  • ~*World Of Whimsical*~
    VIP November 2015
    ~*World Of Whimsical*~ ·
    • Flag

    The security is a requirement, as the cathedral is old and has many familial and religious heirlooms located on the walls and along the back. There is also a space constraint, and those not on the guest list will not be able to be squeezed in due to Fire Marshal regulations. One should understand the motives before rendering judgment. I didn't ask for it; the venue did, and I respect their wishes.

    I'm not trying to be pretentious, and the ones I'm directing this towards are distant relatives whom I am inviting out of respect for my late grandmother. It's not an issue of familial "love" with them. None of them have had anything to do with me unless it was at a reunion or a funeral. I don't call that "real" family. The immediate family and friends of FH and myself actually have home training and will dress accordingly.

    Now if I could just find a way to tell folks nicely to leave their kids at home...

    • Reply
  • Kate
    Master December 2013
    Kate ·
    • Flag

    Sooo is it a venue dress code?

    If it's a church then yes, people need to respect the dress code of the church/temple/mosque, but you that really only covers modesty most of the time.

    Sorry, but you can't politely turn someone away because they are wearing jeans.

    • Reply
  • ItsGoodToBeKing
    Master February 2014
    ItsGoodToBeKing ·
    • Flag

    We were really adamant about this when we first started planning but slowly we realized that we will simply state "beach formal" on the website and hope for the best. My uncles (and dad) aren't ones to dress up but they're family and I'm gonna suck it up!

    However, I'm all for security at wedding, I think it's excellent to have someone there to protect your thousands of dollars day with your friends and family. Having to turn someone away or kick them out would really suck, especially family but photos and memories do last a lifetime

    if you're afraid of being harsh and turning away Uncle Jim-Bob, maybe request the photographer NOT photograph anyone not in the dress code? Cheers!

    • Reply
  • ~*World Of Whimsical*~
    VIP November 2015
    ~*World Of Whimsical*~ ·
    • Flag

    @Kate: It's half the venue and our pastor, and half mine and FH's wishes.

    @AlmostMrs.King: Just before I looked at your response, FH and I talked about the option of having the ushers seat them in the very back and have the photographer omit them from our photos (as I agree with your sentiment that photos and memories last a lifetime). I'm not sure what I should do with these people wen the day comes.

    I don't want to be mean, but I also don't wish to hear the cracking open of a Bud Light as my pastor is praying, after which the guests turn around, look at my third cousin once removed, who says, "What y'all lookin' at?" while swigging down his beer. And yes, I have a third cousin once removed that would have zero issues doing just that, right along with several others.

    • Reply
  • Kate
    Master December 2013
    Kate ·
    • Flag

    Then I'd just make it black tie if that's what you want

    • Reply
  • Abby
    VIP October 2021
    Abby ·
    • Flag

    I think it's a bit much to lay out exactly what people are 'allowed' to wear. There is nothing wrong with stating a level of formality, but when you go in to specifics, I think it could come off as pretentious and rude. If people don't know what 'formal' or 'black tie' or 'cocktail' attire means, then they should have the sense to look it up. If they don't know what it is and are too lazy to care and show up looking inappropriate, it reflects poorly on them, not you.

    If you are that worried about these people and not close to them....why waste the money and worry on inviting them? There are other ways to show respect and honor your grandmother.

    • Reply
  • ItsGoodToBeKing
    Master February 2014
    ItsGoodToBeKing ·
    • Flag

    I have the beer cracking open problem as well so I have been passing the word via the family loud mouth that there is no alcohol allowed on church property, that the RSVP deadline will be enforced, that there will be non-discriminatory security for these clowns, and anyone not in dress code will not be in any photos and seated in the back.

    Of course all of this is on our website as well under "info" but let's just say those prone to this behavior are not tech savvy... haha

    Can't choose your family smh Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Celia Milton
    April 2020
    Celia Milton ·
    • Flag

    I'd elope. Why invite anyone out of respect for someone deceased, especially if you have a hunch they are going to cause problems?

    You didn't say anything in your original post about security being required by your church.

    Beer in a church?

    Elope.

    • Reply
  • ~*World Of Whimsical*~
    VIP November 2015
    ~*World Of Whimsical*~ ·
    • Flag

    Thank God at least one person on this site understands what I'm going through. It's not as cut and dry as some of you make it sound. And to suggest I'd elope is beyond absurd, considering I'd be losing lots of deposits. If I wanted to elope, we wouldn't even be having this conversation, now would we?

    • Reply
  • Ab
    Master October 2011
    Ab ·
    • Flag

    If you know that they'd have no qualms about cracking a beer in church then they probably would disregard the dress code no matter what it says (let alone go out and buy a suit).

    ETA: sorry I missed the part about your grandma being deceased..sorry to hear that..will other family members be really offended if 3rd cousins aren't invited? Unless she made it clear to you before that everyone should be invited/it's really important to you?

    • Reply
  • Abby
    VIP October 2021
    Abby ·
    • Flag

    So why invite these people if they're so uncouth they would be drinking in the middle of church service? Family or not, that's not anyone I would want to be paying to have at my wedding.

    My grandmother, whom I was extremely close with, passed away in July. I am honoring her with a moment of silence in my ceremony, an empty chair in the front row with her photo, and a memorial candle at the reception. Do you think maybe your grandmother would have felt honored by any of that instead of inviting these people you don't care for?

    • Reply
  • Celia Milton
    April 2020
    Celia Milton ·
    • Flag

    Seriously, why invite and pay for a bunch of people you don't like, who have so little respect for you that you are worrying, more than two years in advance, about how they'll act?

    There are plenty of ways to honor people who have passed at your wedding. Inviting a group of people you don't want isn't the way, but you have loads of time to think about it.

    And just another thought; you can put a goat in a tux, but it's still going to eat your bouquet.....(in other words, just dressing them up doesn't mean they'll behave any better).

    • Reply
  • ItsGoodToBeKing
    Master February 2014
    ItsGoodToBeKing ·
    • Flag

    Don't elope, do your wedding, invite the family, and stick to your guns !

    it's not that they don't respect us or our wedding, it's just that they do things differently... they're not sophisticated big city people and the fact that they're coming is great

    family is family. do what you can to pass the "rules" around and hope for the best, it's all you can do with some people!

    • Reply
  • Stephanie ♥
    VIP September 2012
    Stephanie ♥ ·
    • Flag

    I would pass the word, post it on your website, & pass the word again! I think having security deny them is a bit much, but I know *exactly* where you are coming from. My husband has 2 younger half brothers & the 9-year-old wore jeans ..his parents LET him! That side of the family pictures just look so out of place & I feel really bad saying that because his dad & stepmom, as well as his brothers are awesome people & I wouldn't have turned them away even they were wearing a paper sack! With that said though, I wish I would have been more vocal or specified what my 'vision' was & I think the results would have been better! A lot of DH's family [who I was worried about mostly] actually cleaned up very nicely & respected the unwritten wedding dress code standard, so not all hope is lost ;]

    • Reply
  • Iris
    Master February 2014
    Iris ·
    • Flag

    You have a few options.

    A. Elope

    B. Don't invite them

    C. Invite them but have a strict dress code & cross your fingers that they abide

    D. Don't have it in church (I get the security guards are required-alot of places do that. But do you really want to watch someone get thrown out-what an embarrassment)

    Any of the above.

    • Reply
  • Nonna T
    Master April 2014
    Nonna T ·
    • Flag

    I understand you want a nice wedding and nice pictures but some of these ladies are giving you good advice along the lines of putting lipstick on a pig.

    Not the same but kinda...years ago my uncle didn't get the memo that my mom passed away and came to the door of the funeral home where visitation was being held. He had someone pass the word to me that he was there but didn't want to come in because he was wearing shorts.

    I went to the door and took him by the hand and brought him in and kept him beside me, introducing him as my mom's wonderful brother-in-law. He still talks about it to this day. I tell him "you weren't getting out of that gig!"

    • Reply

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