Spin Off: How do you handle a friend cheating in their marriage?

I would mind my business. Getting involved in someone else relationship is usually a bad idea.

Jenn B, Some women are blind (or stupid). I saw my BIL making out with his ex while my sister was at work. I told my sis about it, and my BIL called me a liar and threatened to leave my sister if she spoke to me ever again. She didn't talk to me for 3 months! I lived right next door to them! I don't even waste my time with that crap anymore. You're a cheater? Bye.

I would not be supportive, as I do not condone cheating. If they confided in me I would give my honest opinion on the situation and then stay out of it. It's none of my business.

I didn't see the original post.

I don't think I'd stop being friends with them, but I wouldn't be supportive. And I would encourage them to tell their spouse right away.

Although if it was more than a one time thing, I don't know that I would be friends with them. And honestly, I'd be tempted to tell them myself if they never told them because I know I would want to know. But that usually just bites the messenger in the ass, so idek.

So in my friend group, it depends. There a some people I wouldn't be surprised it happened, and others I would. If I wasn't surprised, I would not get in the middle of it and probably keep as much distance from it as possible until something happen, or just not ever mention it. If it's a friend I was surprised at, I would definitely rethink the friendship. Then do the same and sort of distance myself from them, and when I do see him/her just not mention it.

Now if both of them(the couple) are my friends, then that's a different story. I don't know what I'd do in that situation.

Something similar to this has happen before, just they weren't married (although probably on their way to being engaged). I actually told the girl being cheating with the guy had a girlfriend. Guy (who was actually one of my best friends at the time) then broke up with girlfriend and chased the other girl that night. In that case all people were my friends, and I sort of introduced new girl to guy (just invited her to the club when we were going, not actually like "date him!") so I was literally stuck in the middle. So I told the ex-girlfriend why he really broke up with her. I don't talk to the guy and the new girlfriend, but the ex is now one of my best friends and it brought us closer. And now she's married to a great guy and is one of my BMs! So, really, follow what your heart says. You'll know if it's right to interfere. You might say that you feel one way, but when put into the situation you'll be surprised at what you actually do.

I would want to be told....gently, if someone was cheating on me. If my friend was doing the cheating I would try to understand why they were doing it but let them know I don't want to hear about it if they plan to continue cheating. I don't know if I would tell the spouse but it really depends on the situation. I hope I am never put in it.

I know, for me, it would depend on how close the friend is. Let's face it-- we all make excuses for people we care about, but are ready to throw acquaintances under the bus. So, if it was my BFF, I would hold her secret (not hard-- she lives three states away) and hope that the woman who is my bestie came back to me. I did have a casual acquaintance (mom at my son's school) start having an affair. Then it was easy enough (since I didn't know till the news was 'out') to just not try and move the friendship forward. Our boys aren't at the same school anymore, so I never see her-- problem solved.

Oh gosh. my story is kind of weird because i didn't know my best friend was married already until way later. my bff married her husband when she was very young (19 ish) but it was a secret elopement and no one knew until like 3 years later. she and I went to college together 5 hours away from where her husband lived and during two semesters she was cheating on him with some friends of ours. I never really knew her husband because I had only met him once but I never lectured her and only talked about it when she did and I always told her to put herself in his situation. she always told me that she was honest with him and they had an open relationship but i still told her it was pretty mean to do that to someone. anyway, later i found out that they were actually married and my theory was that since they married so young they probably had an agreement to have an open relationship. i don't know i still thought it was cheating but that's their business.

fast forward to this past April when she came to visit me and she was all over these guys dancing and letting them touch her. she was very drunk but i kept pulling her away and she yelled at me for trying to save her from cheating on her husband. I know she can't keep a secret so i'm sure she told him so I tried to ignore the situation and let her make her decision but it got out of hand and the guilt started eating me up. I had to pull her away because I felt bad for her husband.

I just think her relationship is different and if her husband is that understanding maybe i should let her do her thing and mind my own business. my fh doesn't like her

I think it really depends on the situation, it is hard to say without context. But generally speaking I wouldn't be happy about it and would encourage them to either come clean and try to reconcile, or to end it, because if you are cheating then there is obviously some issues in the relationship. Or in some cases it would be better just to keep out of it. I think it depends on the people and the situation though.

I didn't see the original post either. This is such a touchy subject, and I honestly don't know what I would do - it would depend a lot on the situation and how close I was to the individual etc. FH and I have been together for 10 years, and most of "my" friends are his friends and vice versa - also the majority of our friends are couples and we're friends with both partners. It would be such a tough situation.

Thankfully I haven't had to deal with this (touch wood). But as a theoretical exercise, what I THINK I would do is - if the cheater were my friend/the closer person to me in the couple, I would tell them that what they're doing is wrong, and threaten to tell the other person if they didn't do it themselves. But I don't know whether, being honest with myself, I would follow through with the threat or if I would stop being friends with them altogether. I don't like meddling in other people's relationships, but I just can't condone cheating and would NOT be a part of it.

If I were closer to the non-cheating party and I suspected foul play (but didn't have confirmation) I would stay out of it. But if I KNEW - I would give the cheater the same ultimatum, and follow through if they failed to disclose on their own. I would want to know if FH was cheating on me, and I strongly believe in doing to others what I would want done for me.

I didn't see the original post, but based on this question, I have to agree with Mrs. Pope.

If my friend was cheating, I would definitely call them out on it privately, but I would try to be there and be supportive of them. If someone is cheating, there are obviously bigger issues within themselves that they need to work out, and being abandoned by all support will probably only make things worse.

That's a tough one. It's really none of my business unless they confided in me. I think if I was close to both people in the couple, I would be furious and disappointed with who ever cheated but, I don't want to ditch our friendship because of it. Unless the person who cheated turned out to be this horrible person as well. But, I think cheating can be forgiven sometimes. It takes a lot but, I believe it can happen.

I think it depends on the situation. I would not condone any cheating, but it's also not my place to judge someone. As someone who has cheated in the past (NOT on H, on an ex), I certainly didn't wake up one day and think "My boyfriend is awesome, but I don't care. I'm going to cheat on him!" It was a very slow and complicated situation that I would not expect anyone to understand. I will never understand every persons situation, and I won't pretend to. I don't think cheating in and of itself is a reason to cut off a friendship. But that's just me. Relationships are incredibly personal, I can't tell anyone else what decisions they should make with the people in their lives.

Crap I started reading that thread and then got caught up at work and didn't get through the whole story! I would absolutely want to tell the other person that they are being cheated on. I've been cheated on (my boyfriend had a relationship with another girl for months) and when she finally found out about me, she told me. I'm so glad she did, even if I did hate her and him. It was an awful feeling, but like I said, so happy someone told me finally. I know all of his friends had to know and it pisses me off that they just let it go.

I have enough drama in my life. I wouldn't get involved at all. And if I was dragged in, I can say it would seriously strain the friendship. Perhaps end it.

My opinion is you never really know what someone else's marriage is like, and choosing to tell their partner is not your place. I wouldn't be supportive of the cheating friend, but I wouldn't end the friendship either, if they were a really close friend. I'd say something along the lines of, "You know I love you, but I really can't talk to you about this because it makes me very uncomfortable," and hope they don't bring it up with me again.

I'm just barely jumping on this discussion...I have a friend who basically got a sugar daddy who paid her $2000 a month to you know... This was deal breaker to me and I ended the friendship. And that really didn't do her or I any good. (We made up about a year later and she said she wasn't involved with that kind of life anymore and apologized for putting a strain on our friendship)

So if my friend was cheating on someone I'd probably tell him/her that I think they should be honest with their spouse and that I felt caught in the middle. I wouldn't end the friendship though.

In my case I've known a couple of snakes 'friends' whose girlfriends started activing like they hated my guts and I couldn't figure out why.

then comments would get back to me as to just why i thought it was ok for their guy to be spending so much time with me......when I had hardly seen their guy in weeks!

turned out they were sneaking around with someone else and told their girlfriends they were off somewhere with me.

nice guys huh? what got me more than anything was that the girlfriends were still blaming me, and calling me a liar when I told them that their guy wasn't with me!

the stuff you'll believe when you want to.

JennB, something similar happened to me. A guy went out with me a few times, was even REALLY romantic and all, until a friend told me he was engaged. I told the guy I'd find his fiance and tell her. But it was pre-Facebook times (remember those times?) so I didn't find her. Given what happened to you, I'm almost glad I didn't find her.

If it were my friend... gosh, I think I would have to know the context to decide whether I'd just openly talk to them or actually stop talking to them. Asking me to keep the secret is a whole different thing - they'd never hear from me again.

I have very little sympathy for cheaters, but I'd ask if there was some kind of open relationship agreement before confronting anyone. If the alleged cheater says yes but doesn't have their SO confirm it soon after, that raises a red flag.

I think most likely, I'd seriously consider dropping the friendship -- directly involving myself in their romantic relationships isn't my prerogative, but if they'll lie to their spouse about seeing other people, how can I trust them not to lie to me about equally important things?