Should I invite step daughter to wedding

I would encourage your FH to invite his daughter. No need to invite the mom... My ex is getting married in the spring and even though we have a decent relationship, I am sure I won't be invited and my kids are younger than 17. He's their dad so he will take care of them and plenty of family will be there.

If she isn't invited, that's the death knell of that relationship with her dad. Maybe he doesn't care about that after all that has gone on, but he should.

@2ndtime the first mom is definitely not invited. Only the second one along with her husband because they've become good friends to us both, we all vacation together with his child and her other children. Thank you for your advise. I really do appreciate you all. @Patricia and @amy yes I've suggested counseling to him, and he took her to a session which didn't go well. I will suggest it again seeing that she's older, and who knows maybe within a year things will change.

Boy, if you think she has an attitude now, imagine after she isn't invited to her father's wedding.

Maybe the reason his daughter has an attitude could be because shes had her father absent from her whole life! I feel sad for this girl. she needs to be invited, unless he wants to do irreparable damage to his (already seemingly nonexistent) relationship with her. I firmly believe that it is the parents job to step up and make the relationship right. he's the adult, she didn't ask to be born.

I think you should invite her but not her mother if she dosen't get invited their relationship may never get better

This 17 year old is a child who is probably influenced a lot by their mother. If it were my situation, I would try my best to talk to FH about why the child should be there, but then let him decide because it is his family (who cares about the mom, she has nothing to do with this decision). I think the job of a partner is to encourage good things in the others like, help make peace. This is his child. Not a grown adult sibling or aunt or cousin. I would encourage him and remind him that the child might grow out of the attitude and learn about why some past behavior was wrong (or not, but it's a parents job to let them make mistakes and help encourage moving on from them) but that not inviting his child could really end any relationship with them or chance of a positive relationship in the future. When in a short amount of time you all could have much less interaction with the mother and focus on creating more of an adult friendship relationship with the child, who will grow up to possibly have your grandchildren etc and you don't want to miss out on a possible future with this family member.

Think bigger picture here.

ETA: my parents got divorced when I was a teenager, and my relationship with my dad (who didn't do anything really wrong it was just kinda a rough situation going through that and trying to learn to be an adult and all) was rough all the time I was in college. I would ignore his calls and not go see him on breaks because I was young and going through it and hadn't learned yet how to be helpful in that situation. He still invited me to his wedding, if I hadn't been invited we would not be the best of friends that we are today, 6 years later. Honestly.

Now reading your last update, It also sounds like you all should be trying to spend as much time as physically possibly with his daughter. She needs a better influence then the mother possibly, and it's his responsibility in life to do that. Fight the good fight, it's not too late for this kid to turn out to be great.

I'd invite them to be nice personally.

You need to invite his daughters, but you definitely don't need to invite the mothers if you don't want to

She's a 17 year old child. When I was a 17 year old I was a real dick, as are 90% of girls that age. She may outgrow this stage, she may not, but I would rather invite her and have a chance of a good relationship later once she matures then not invite her and never have her forgive me. Be the adult.

Not inviting the mother is perfectly fine but his daughter is a must. My FH has a 17 year old and she can be a pain in the ass but she is our daughter period.

Definitely don't invite the mother. That shouldn't even be a question unless you could not imagine your day without her there. Hopefully you feel that way about the other child's mother which is why she is invited. Is your FH going to look back and be sorry his oldest wasn't there? Could it make an already strained relationship worse? I think you both need to sit down and talk about it. My FH also has 2 children from 2 different woman. The oldest ( his son) is a great kid and we adore his mom. Her and her spouse and their 1 year old are coming to our wedding. She's one of the first people I told about our engagement. His youngest, a 6 year old daughter, has a mom like the woman you described and there's no way she would be invited to our wedding. We are not friends with her. At all. I just hope his daughter turns out nothing like her mom. Maybe in your situation the oldest is just learning from a really bad influence and will still turn it around.

What exactly do the 'dabble in' and why do you keep bringing up the other country nonsense. Invite her, she's his freaking child.

I have a step daughter from my previous marriage who manipulated both myself and ex-husband, BUT......it was nothing but stuff she had learned from her mother. She is 19 now, her dad passed last year and we still keep in contact. We paid child support, insurance, dr. bills, often times car repairs and electric bills for the exwife because in a sense, that was also supporting the daughter. But money does not make up for a relationship.

Support doesn't always mean physical as far as money and things needed, it means mental as well. She lives in another state, how is he supporting her as far as being a father figure? Honestly, I was the one that kept a father/daughter relationship going between ex and his daughter, he was content just to pay what needed to be paid and let her and her mother do whatever when it came to her seeing him. If she needed something, of course she came over.

The daughter probably will not ever change until she is out from under the mother who influences her. And for that, you really can't blame the daughter, she is doing/acting/living the life she sees her mother living.

Invite her. She is old enough to get on a plane alone, no need to invite her mother. If she won't come without her mother, that's her choice, you all invited her, nothing more to do. If she does come alone and causes problem, can anyone in FH's family be the one designated to pull her aside and speak with her? FH's family is also her family, surely they have some sort of relationship or would like one.

My step-mother didn't have the best relationship with my half-siblings at the time she married my father, but she still extended an invitation to them to be in her bridal party. One accepted, two declined; one of the two came as a guest, the other didn't come at all. She has a better relationship with them now than she did then.

Had she not offered them that choice to go or not, I think things would be different; not in a good way, either.

Just saying, give his daughter a choice, at the very least.

You are marrying a man who had two children by two different mothers. That means you accept every difficulty that goes with the situation. Did you have the daughter in counseling when you "sacrificed" by having her live with you for a year? Seriously, the girl has been raised by what sounds like a bitch of a woman. Why in the world would the daughter turn out any different, especially if her father is only an occasional presence and influence in her life? Don't like your FH's daughter's behavior? Look at your FH and ask him why he allowed her to be influenced to be the person she is now. Your FH is in no way free from responsibility when it comes to his daughter's behavior.

Your opinion/wants have no factor in this. This is 100% your FH's choice as it is his daughter. He should invite her otherwise he will destroy any relationship with her for the future. You do NOT have to invite his ex though.

ETA: It sounds as though this daughter is acting like her mother and why wouldn't she? She is spending most of her time with her as her role model. I agree with PP that is sounds like you need to spend as much time with her in order to give her a more positive direction.

I have twin teenage step daughters and we have been used every which way by them and their mother. We still made sure they were there. Why? The future of that relationship was more important than being bitter about the past.

ETA: Do you want her there?

Why are so many people blaming the father? It sounds like he's been a great man to his daughter. Sometimes moms are just bat shit crazy and no matter how much the Dad does the daughters turn out like their mothers. She should still be invited. Just so much man hating going on. Just because a woman can birth a child doesn't make her instantly a mother. Being a mother takes work and it sounds like the one OP is talking about is seriously failing.

It says a lot about a man that doesn't want his own child at his wedding.....That's crazy to me. She's a teenager at that. I would never second guess inviting my step daughter to our wedding, regardless of the circumstances.