secretly married?

Honestly my parents had no problem with me living with my fiance before we got married, and I was raised Catholic. They said they were understanding because it's different times and things have changed since they got married, and my dad told me not to listen to my grandparents (Who were upset in my decision to move out) because they eloped and have no room to talk in his opinion.

I'd bring the topic up to your parents and see what they'd think. You never know what they'd say.

Well.. it'd probably save a little $ to combine households/bills..so IF you're going to get married early @ a courthouse or something...i would at LEAST involve your immed. fam (yours/his parents/siblings and maybe your BP) ..but i can tell you from experience...its difficult. I wear my rings and he wears his..which is complicated..but i'm sorry i'm not going to NOT wear them, that just upsets me, makes me feel like we're not honoring our decision to get married. We did it for insurance purposes..and we altho both of our families would prob. understand, we're pretty sure a bulk of them (esp his side) wont come to the big ceremony/recep. had they known. So..we'll see what happens. It's a lot of work though..keeping secrets and remember, if you do involve your immed fam, you'd be requiring THEM to keep secrets too. It's a pain. Good luck, whatever you choose!

A girlfriend of mine and her FH are waiting to have sex until they are married--they are both virgins and believe in waiting. I understand and support that. There is a point to this, trust me. lol. Anyway, when my friend's lease was up, she moved into his house and he still pays for all the major bills (mortgage, electric, water, etc.) but at the end of the day he goes to his parents house to sleep even though they have 3 bedrooms. But in respect to their beliefs and probably their parent's beliefs, they are living seperately. I think this is something that you need to talk to FH about and see what he thinks about you living in the house (and setting up the house--decorating, organizing, etc.) while he stays wherever he is if that is an option for you. That way, you would still be respecting your parent's "wishes". If you do want to move in together beforehand (which I support, lol) then I would sit down and talk with your families beforehand and let them know how you (cont.)

(cont.) feel about it and maybe you can live together but stay in separate bedrooms until you are married?? I know that would be hard!!

A few things to consider...Do either of you have a lease that you would be paying for while living there? Is it more economical for one of you to live there instead of the other (driving time, bills, etc.)?

Well, we definitely aren't waiting to have sex lol But honestly I think his mom might think we are. They're just very old fashioned, and we definitely know how they feel on the topic. Just the other day they found out about a couple they know that just moved in together and they said something negative about it. And trust me, WE aren't that close minded at all. We would live together right now if it weren't for our parents. But our house will be really close to his parents. They'll be able to see our house from their house. So it would be in their face all the time.

And I'm really glad for your input MsDarlin. Reading that, I don't think we'll want to keep a secret like that. I think I might just have to do what you said heavnsnt, and just talk to FS about me living in the house. I mean, it would be better anyway because I'll be able to get used to the area, DRIVING in the area (I'm a big scaredy cat when it comes to driving), and living on my own, since I never have.

Thanksgirls

I know that if FH's family found out that we were secretly married or were planning something along those lines, they would be POed to the max!!!!!!! One of FH's cousins got married in Vegas and the family was very upset--probably because they weren't included. AND, they are a very inflexible family--they aren't very understanding. Anyway, if we do a JOP in the winter, I'm pretty sure that it would just be FH and I so that we can keep it a secret between ourselves. My family would be supportive and would be okay with it but I want our actual wedding date to be extra special for everyone.

Yeah.. I've mentioned eloping on FS a few times, halfway joking. And his mom mom and aunt called FS's mom FREAKING out and told her to tell me that they would be VERY upset if we did. lol so I'm thinking it would be a baaad idea. I don't want to cause a rift in the family. I wish we could do it without ANYONE knowing, but I don't think we could keep a secret like that. Plus, his family would assume we were living together and NOT married, and they'd probably be equally as upset at that lol so who the heck knows!

Okay I meant on fb (facebook) not on FS lol

I think you should consider why you're living apart. While parents are important, and it's nice to please them, this is your life. If you want to live together, I think you should live together, married or not. You're adults who are paying your own bills (I think) so you should be in control of your lives. It's really not their business. I'm very close to my family and I love to have their approval, so I understand the predicament. But it just seems so silly to not move in to your brand new house if if doesn't go against your own views. Just my opinion, though.

Oh, and, to answer your question, what's the point of getting married if his family doesn't know about it? Isn't the reason to get married so that you can live together with their approval?

We didn't do that. I wanted my wedding to be my wedding. When DH was married the first time, they had a similar situation. They had their house built and it was finished before the wedding. He kept his apartment until his lease was up which ended up being about 2 weeks before the wedding. He actually moved into one of the guest rooms until after the wedding lol!

If it were me, I'd just wait and have the wedding ceremony before I moved in. Well, actually, if it were me... I'd just move in and not care what they think. But in your situation, I'd wait until after the planned wedding.

I agree with Maybe-a-Mrs... It is YOUR life. As nice as it is to have parent's approval, waiting for their approval can make your life miserable if it's something that you don't want. FH's family doesn't approve of his relationship with me (because we've been together since HS and because we didn't play around in our twenties) and has on multiple occasions tried to get him to break things off with me as well as get him to move back home (to MI). If he did what they wanted to do instead of what was making him happy, then we wouldn't be together anymore. Now, I know your situation is completely different, but if you and FH want to move in together, consider it!! It's your life and your happiness. While it's nice to make sure everyone is happy--it's not always going to be like that. Some day you are going to do something that makes his family upset with you... and you'll figure out how to make it better. I do understand though what kind of predicament you are in and how hard it is...

@KK - Don't you hate how everyone blows things out of proportion on FB? One time I was talking about a girl I graduated with that didn't have a job yet and just got engaged to guy a she was dating for a month and decided to get married THIS october and I was like "WTF how can she afford this?!" and everyone called me and commenting thinking we were getting married this october instead.

I really wish I would have gotten secretly married. Not sure if it helps your situation though. I just felt like this huge thing is all about me and my husband getting married and it turned into a huge (amazing) day mostly about everything else with the ceremony only lasting 30 minutes. I think a secret wedding before would really be special, but unless you want everyone to know (and risk some friends and family being upset they weren't there for the "real" thing) it probably won't help you guys feel better about living together.

I'm military - there may be a secret marriage before the wedding so as to confer benefits on my spouse and allow him to move with me wherever I get stationed.

My daughter got jop married on May 1. Just our immediate family and his. Now she is having her church wedding on 9/4 as planned. What a difference the jop marriage has made. They were living together and it was fine with me. She had been married before and was hurt. I had told her to never marry again unless she lived with the man. This waa advice given to me by my EX S's father during the time we were breaking up and he was paying for my divorce. He said you never really know another person until you live with them.

Since she has JOP wed, she is less stressed and the wedding planning is going so much smoother. This is going to be a celebration of there commitment of their marriage in front of GOD and then a celebration with friends. The Pastor was so happy that after already going to Reno, NV they were going to commit their marriage.

So think about the living together. It is your life. If you take your and his parents with you and then have you church wedding there should be no cont

Problem. They are probably the only ones that would be bothered if you are living together. As it is you are already husband and wife in Your mind and in so many other ways.

Mom N: My mom made me promise never to marry someone I hadn't lived with when I was 12. :-)

Anyway, I'm with Erin and heavnsnt--there comes a point when you need to make your own life decisions. It's one thing to make them according to YOUR values; it's another thing to make them entirely to keep your parents happy. You can't always achieve the latter, and I don't think it's a good idea to try.