Relatives Upset Over Black Tie

Not being snarky but is this a vent or did you have a question?

Continued....

First, our moms were concerned about the dress code and felt it would "exclude" some people. They requested a more relaxed dress code. I put my foot down and I took their opinion into consideration, but am ultimately doing what my FH and I want. I feel that no matter what we choose it won't make everyone happy, but at least FH and I can be happy.

Now, one of my aunts informed me that two of my uncles WILL NOT be wearing a tux or even a suit. They can most certainly AFFORD to, but just do not feel like it.

Should I just stop discussing it with people? I brought it up as a heads up so people can start planning...18 months seems like plenty of time for my family to figure out what to wear, but they are just resistant to doing it because they just don't want to.

I think (hope) she's still typing. It kind of left us hanging.

ETA: are you prepared to keep them from entering the ceremony/reception if they don't adhere? Unless the venue requires it, that's the only way you're going to be able to enforce it. Also, it's a bit early for you to be discussing this with anything not directly involved. If required, put your dress code on the invitations, but don't discuss it.

Go forward with your black tie event. If people choose not to attend or do not adhere to the dress code, all you can do is let it go. Your day will be awesome and people who show up underdressed will likely end up feeling uncomfortable.

Do what makes you and FH happy. If it's going to be black tie, spread the word. Those who refuse to follow the suggestions will just look out of place. That won't be your fault.

I would say maybe stop discussing it until you're like 150% sure and willing to stand behind it until you're blue in the face. Ultimately, it's your call, however, there is something to be said for knowing your audience. I wouldn't have a dry wedding even if I wanted one bc there's no way my fam and friends would take that well lol. So if I think the majority of your audience would be ok or even welcome the black tie, then you'll have to accept and come to terms with upsetting/inconveniencing some people.

Edit: I did not read the 2nd part of your post... in that case, yes, I agree with the others who commented. You should do it. You're giving them ample time. It's different if they can't afford to!

Thanks Kimi and Brianna!

This is a personal opinion (DISCLAIMER). I don't honestly get why couples feel their wedding guests need to be part of the decor, or that what someone wears is more important that the relationship and their ability to buy or rent formal apparel. You're not casting a movie; you're having a party. You let people know what kind of party it is by your invites, etc, but I'm sorry, white glove service (which I personally hate) doesn't make me any happier than great BBQ.

I wouldn't want to either. And I probably wouldn't come. I wasn't good with a dress code in middle school; I'm not good with it now.

We will not be turning people away who come underdressed because we feel it is their problem if they feel out of place when they had 18 months to figure out what to wear. We know most of our guests will follow the dress code, but it bothers me that it is close relatives who seem to have a "I'm too cool" attitude about it.

We offerred to pay for some of our close relatives whom we know do not own a dark suit or cannot afford to rent - like one of my uncles on disability and my little brother who is still in college and his little brother who JUST graduated from college - but what is really bothering me is my aunt who told me my uncles on my mom's side would not wear black tie, but then hinted that maybe they would if my FH and I paid for it. I told her we would be willing to pay for some who can't actually afford to, but not for those who can afford to, but are just refusing.

I guess I was just not prepared for some of the reactions we have gotten.

Celia - we are also prepared for people who decline the invite because they don't want to dress this formal and we wouldn't want them to come anyways if they felt that strongly about it. However, I am guessing you also would not try to persuade the bride and groom to change anything about their wedding either; you would just decline the invite.

I personally would love to go to a black tie wedding. I love dressing up.

For an event to be black tie there are a lot more things you need. I have everything you listed and my event isn't black tie. Let your people come in what they want to wear.

This is the first time anyone has ever posted about a black tie event that is actually a black tie event. I was totally prepared to come tell you that no, your lunchtime dry reception is definitely not "black tie!" Anyway. Have your event as black tie; as others have said, if people don't adhere, they're the ones likely to look stupid and awkward.

I'm with Lauren, can I have an invite? I've never been to anything black tie!

Some people don't like to wear tux. I'd say let things cool down a little (you have time) and if it comes up again, maybe say that a dark suit is fine too and leave it at that.

Also, my FH doesn't have a tux, so either he spends $100+ on a rental or we don't go. Oh I guess I would need a gown too.

Personally I don't like this, but you do whatever you want with your wedding. Expect some to not come, and some to dress however they want.

I would do what you want. We've made it clear we want cocktail attire- no tuxes, but dress pants, tie, cocktail dresses- and we've received negative comments. Our wedding isn't QUITE as formal, but formal enough that jeans and sundresses are not appropriate. We're sticking to our guns. You do you!

Unless you run in circles with the Kardashians, Donald Trump and the Rockefeller's ( or wealthy people like that) most people will be very uncomfortable dressed like this. I personally would likely decline, I don't own a formal dress and would not spend hundreds of dollars to buy one just for your wedding. Family and friends are there to support you, not be your props for pictures.

Are you also having a live band and top shelf liquor? I'm skeptical that this is truly black tie considering valet at the venue is not available.

Especially this far out, I don't think you should be making a big deal out of your dress code. People who know how to dress appropriately will know how to do so regardless of it being demanded of them; people who don't will wear what they want to wear, regardless. Let people be comfortable and call it semiformal attire if people ask. Is it really going to make you that unhappy if people wear kneelength dresses and suits instead of gowns and tuxes?

Are you meeting all of the requirements for your wedding to really be considered black tie? I'd love to go to a black tie wedding, but if you tell me your wedding is black tie so I get a fancy dress and a tux for FH and your wedding isn't actually black tie I'd be a little annoyed I spent at least $200-300 on attire when I shouldn't have.

Thanks for everyone's advice! Just to be clear - my question isn't "should I change the dress code?" My question is - When people ask me about the details of our wedding, should I stop telling them it is black-tie and just let them see it written on the invitation? Or should I still mention it, but then how do I respond to the negative responses from family members?