Relatives Upset Over Black Tie

Black tie is appropriate for the wedding you're having. People may complain but stand your ground, you're not in the wrong and they don't have to come if they don't figure something out in the 18 months between now and the wedding.

If black tie attire is something that you and FH truly want, then you simply need to accept the fact that some people will be annoyed/put off by this stipulation. Ignore their protests.

Personally, I would not attend a black tie wedding unless it was someone extremely important in my life.

No live band, she's doing DJ. I'm a little hesitant

ETA for my next comment

When my nephew got married, the invitation said 'Black Tie optional.' Since we were spending a small fortune just to fly there and stay at the host hotel, we decided DH would not rent or buy a tux. He wore a nice sport coat with slacks and tie that he already owned. We figured nephew would rather see us there than see a tux.

I am with Celia 2000%. People aren't props and I don't understand choosing something that will preclude people from coming due to clothing.

Of course every couple is free to choose how they want their wedding to go but if I were invited to a black tie wedding I would send regrets. We don't run in a black tie crowd so DH doesn't own a tux (and just try renting one for 100.00. That's not happening -it is way more than that). I am not going out and buying a gown I will never wear again. I did that when I got married.

I agree that it is a know your crowd thing. If your crowd attends black tie events then more power to you. If they don't, I think you will be disappointed in the end with the number of people who don't attend due to the cost of the required clothing.

I would just caution you that it isn't appropriate for you to determine for other people what you think they can or cannot afford. What people can afford, or how they choose to spend their money, is only up to them to decide.

It is perfectly fine to have a black tie wedding (provided the appropriate service levels are met) and your guests can accept or decline the invitation as they see fit. If they are under dressed for the occasion, or if they decline due to the dress code that is on them. I think it's fine to tell people the dress code if they ask.

If you aren't having a live band, you venue isn't an accredited five star venue, you aren't having a multi plated white glove dinner (think at least six plates with beef, chicken, seafood, vegetarian, and pasta options), cooked upon order, a wine sommelier, a top shelf hosted bar, free valet! (which is not option AT ALL as I grew up in the black tie world, people will see this is as extremely rude), Then your event is not black tie. If this was a true black tie event your venue would require serious security, who would then turn people away if not dressed properly because the venue would not allow them to step into the event without appropriate attire so this would not be an issue.

ETA and by live band I don't mean the band from the pub down the street. Band as in a small orchestra.

I would love to attend a black tie wedding but then again I love dressing up. lol. Back to your question. I would let people see it on the website. I wouldn't bring it up. No need for people to rant to you about what they will or won't do. If you did want to compromise I would say black tie optional would be the way to go.

And if who i think it is... eek, and a honeyfund where she's asking guests to pay for their hawaii honeymoon. And info for where the guests can pay for parking on the wedding website. and a warning: **WARNING** There are issues with crime in the area especially at nighttime. Please use caution if you choose to stay at this hotel and walk to or from the venue.

@laura - it isn't a black-tie off...but go ahead and continue humblebragging

This is starting to sound like it isn't a true black tie event and you are wanting the look but not all the amenities.

Black tie optional isn't a real thing

I say do it and stop discussing it.

You can say black tie all you want. My MOH did for her wedding. People still showed up in non formal dresses and suits. It's going to happen. Also please don't assume even if it is family that someone can afford something. And that just because you think they should spend money on it and if they can afford it they should do it. You cannot make adults do something they don't want to.

@Spazzy black tie optional is just black tie and the host is trying to nice by including the word optional.

I like that idea! Honestly, there are many places a dress code is enforced and people seem to be able to follow that but when someone is throwing a party with free parking, booze, and food for them they can't?! I think that's so sad. I'd love to get dressed up for a wedding like this. I might need some suggestions on what's appropriate to wear, but I would definitely look to match the dress code.

Work: Most people manage to go to work and adhere to the dress code with out a problem. Many offices require dress pants and dress shirts, some require tie and some require suits. Even work places that don't require dressy clothes, do have a dress code. Such as a hospital: you can't work your RN Shift in 3 inch stilettos...

Cruise ships: You can't get into the fancy restaurant if you don't wear what's asked. Don't like it, don't go.

Thanks again everyone for your advice!! I think I will just stop telling people and they can figure it out when invitations go out. Best wishes to all the other brides!

@NovemberBride- you just said you told people to use your best judgement, but then a few sentences prior said you told people no jeans. Did you invite homeless people? I don't even see many of them on the street in "rags"? Or are jeans considered rags to you?

ETA- agreed with Celia- i think you're missing the point of a church but to each their own.

Omg there is no checklist for black tie. Anything formal after six is technically black tie. OP go ahead and say black tie and get over it, you're a host not a night club, who cares if people don't follow the dress code perfectly. It'll still be lovely.

"Rags in the house of God"

That put me right over the edge. I'd suggest reading your bible again and noticing that Jesus welcomed all. He didn't have a dress code.

This is, respectfully, honest to god, one of the dumbest discussions ever. (And OP, don't be offended, it's happened before.)

Your wedding is not the Oscars. Your guests don't 'pay you back' by dressing in one way or another. Unless everyone in your crowd is used to going to black tie parties, this will be a giant pain in the ass and wallet, and it clearly says you don't care as much about your guests as you do about your concept of an elegant party.

I hate my industry sometimes, I really do.