Prenup

Attorney here. (Disclaimer: I'm just giving my personal opinion not legal advice. I am not your attorney.) You probably don't want to hear this but your FH either doesn't understand the law at all or he is trying to screw you.

You're in a community property state (Washington). That means that anything you acquired prior to the marriage will stay yours. Thus, his house and the 3x more than you he makes now is all his. Getting married wouldn't make it yours. However, everything earned in the marriage will be split 50-50. If you'd be a stay-at-home mom, you ABSOLUTELY NEED this community property model. If you stayed at home and then got divorced with a prenup negating the community property model, you'd end up with literally nothing because you weren't bringing in income. If you get a prenup, you need to make it abundantly clear that it does not negate the community property model for the time that you're staying at home. But then why even bother getting a prenup?? Because chances are that your FH wants to deviate from that and move to separate property, thus totally screwing you.

Second giveaway that he's being shady: he doesn't want you to have your own attorney. In other words, he doesn't want anyone to advocate for your rights. He's only concerned with his own. That's super unethical! Literally wtf. No decent attorney would EVER do that!

Then again, there's also a chance your FH just wants to make it clear that his separate property is separate property or memorialize other things, in which case, it would be fine. If he's worried about commingling, that would make sense. Prenups can be great. It sounds like you need to discuss this further and find out why he wants the prenup and what the terms of the prenup would be. But if he's trying to screw you—and I really get the sense that he is—don't go along with it. Get your own attorney who will ensure you are taken care of when you stay at home with the kids.

@ Justina

Woah, your update totally changed my advice. I am a lawyer and pre-nups are very necessary for people with closely held businesses, family property, and prior children. The situation you described with a man making 3x his wife and intending her to be a stay at home mom but wanting a pre-nup so he wouldnt "get screwed" in a divorce is exactly why pre-nups have a bad connotation. This means he really only wants it to limit your ability to get alimony/maintenance if you were to divorce.

Him telling you not to get your own lawyer is also a huge red flag. Most states require that both parties are represented by their own attorney for a pre-nup to be enforcable because there is a clear pattern of the higher earner drafting a lopsided and unconscionable division of assets. Get your own lawyer to look over anything he gives you to sign!

A PP mentioned that if you do not have a pre-nup, that means you are choosing to use the default laws of your state for a dissolution or inheritance issues. States had to create alimony/maintenance laws because stay at home moms were hugely disadvantaged after a divorce. Every state I am familiar with treats all income made during a marriage as belonging to both spouses. Him wanting to purposefully prevent his salary from going to you is not in your best interest. I highly suggest you both sit down with a marital counselor and discuss what you both think marriage will entail. This screams to me that he will treat all money he makes as his no matter that you are not working to take care of your children. I have seen my friends live through that and it eats away the love and unity marriage is intended to bring.

@Lyla

I agree 100%!

Agree with @lyla if you are leaving the workforce to be a SAHM it wouldn't make sense to give up the 50/50 split and alimony if you did divorce. Sounds a little shady to me...

We discussed it and decided not to. I don't think they're a sign you'll end in divorce. I think people are getting married later and later are coming into marriage with assets and protecting those. Like life insurance. You don't plan on dying but you buy it just in case.

Also you should absolutely be getting your own lawyer if you do a prenup

Signing a prenup to me is saying eventually 'we' will end in divorce. That has never come up in my relationship but I wouldn't do it. Having been through a divorce in my past without a prenup it can get pretty nasty but this is totally up to you.

I know someone who would have benefited immensely from having one. Her now ex husband left her with boatloads of debt. I have considered one because if it were to ever come down to us needing to split I want nothing of his and I want him to know that going in and as a preventive for prolonging him from getting out, although he's argued he would be giving all of him by not having a prenup. More research is needed - great topic.

While OP's situation is clearly one that requires treading carefully. An agreement to take you out of the workforce for the family and wanting you to give up alimony related rights sounds nuts,

One of the PP pointed out that prenups can used for debt liability and now I absolutely need to talk to my FH. I have student loans, he doesn't. I plan to pay them off promptly and without issue, but I want to protect us/him from that.

I agree 100% with lyla & kirackle. Your update made me see red flags immediately! Please get your own lawyer & protect yourself!

I'm pro prenup. My husband and I discussed it prior to getting married and he was against it 100%. His thoughts on it were basically that by wanting one, I assumed we wouldn't work out and I was waiting for an inevitable divorce (Not the case at all). He was really hurt by it and it was not my hill to die on so I did not pursue it.

FH and I both have a significant amount of debt and we don't make a lot of money. We agreed that the default of splitting everything would work for us and that was fine for us. I agree with PPs, if either of you have significant assets or a different income it is probably a good idea. Either way better to pay an attorney to draw up one of these then paying an attorney a ton of money to figure out a complex divorce

Why would you not? Logically, it protects both of you. It's just the stupid stigma of "planning for divorce" that is the reason people don't

@Chip the two attorneys above just gave her valid reasons as for why a prenup would NOT protect both of them. Essentially, in her case, it could seriously harm her. Watch the blanket statements, please.

Woah, OP, listen to the advice being given here, your situation sounds really sketchy.

We're having one. He is coming in with significant assets and I have very little. My understanding is that CA is a 50/50 state, which would be totally unfair to him if something happened between us. If nothing else, I want his family assured that I'm here for HIM, not anything else. (Not that they've ever implied otherwise, they're wonderful!)

Also, having been divorced, anything that could smooth that process is a big fat YES in my book. Even though exH and I had barely a dime between us, splitting up with immensely complicated and stressful.

I feel I should clarify things, I do NOT feel as he is trying to be shady and screw me over. His fear is that if we did end in an ugly divorce, I would end up with the kids and he'd have to pay alimony and child support that he'd end up having to live with his parents again, or something to that nature. He's not trying to take alimony away from me, nor did he say I CAN'T see my own lawyer, it just didn't occur to him that I would need to see my own. And I promise I am not the kind to sign my name to something without seeing a lawyer of my own. His other concern was his house, while I understand him wanting to keep his house should we split, we also have plans to move in a year or two, making the next house both of ours.

@Orchids. I know you didn't ask the question, but I feel compelled to tell you that your understanding of CA law is wrong. CA is 50-50 only with property acquired AFTER marriage. All of his assets coming into the marriage would stay his regardless of a prenup. So do inheritance, gifts, etc. given/acquired during the marriage.

@Justine

Everything he has before marriage will remain his separate property and won't be available for the court to split with you 50/50 unless he commingles it. However, so long as he can trace the source of funds, ie he keeps documentation that the equity from selling his current house which is separate and shows how it was put into the one you buy, his share will remain separate. He does not need a pre-nup for that as it is how divorce courts already classify assets in community property states. If he wants to make doubly sure to protect these assets, then sure go ahead with that spelled out in the prenup.

If he wants you to sign a pre-nup that limits your share of his salary or removes a chunk from classification as community property, then yes he truly is trying to screw you over. He likely does not see it that way, but saying that he wants to prevent having to move in with his parents because of having to support his ex-wife and children is very selfish. Sorry for him, but maintaining two households costs much more than one. He very well might have to move in with his parents. Would he rather his underemployed by his wish ex-wife have to move in with her parents or his kids move to a smaller home?

Also, note that you cannot make any terms regarding child support or child custody. Those will immediately be thrown out by the court. Your future children have their own rights, and you cannot waive their rights to child support by their father for them.

I am confused about what this pre-nup is accomplishing if it is not limiting your rights to community property or future maintenance. Dividing community property, which includes all income earned during the marriage, anything but 50/50 considering that you will be a stay at home mom is unfair to you.

We got a prenup. I have more in savings, and FH has student loans. This is what we were solving for although our state law would keep our pre-marriage property separate. We also both waived alimony.

One note of caution: for a prenup to be enforceable, both parties have to have own legal representation and can't be signing anything the night before the wedding. We were told 3-6 months before the wedding is when you should get it done. Also we hired separate attorneys. We had a very non confrontational prenup where we essentially agreed on all terms and I'm relatively legally savvy...still the legal cost couple of thousand.

Lyla, with all due respect, you are combining legal advice and financial/judgmental advice. Its fine for your to say that post marriage. local law says everything is shared 50/50. But to say that means a prenup means OP is getting screwed is a judgement, not a legal conclusion. What if OP's FH will be earning 2M a year, and he wants to control 1.5 of it? Does that mean OP is getting screwed? Judgement call

Lyla, with all due respect, you are combining legal advice and financial/judgmental advice. Its fine for your to say that post marriage. local law says everything is shared 50/50. But to say that means a prenup means OP is getting screwed is a judgement, not a legal conclusion. What if OP's FH will be earning 2M a year, and he wants to control 1.5 of it? Does that mean OP is getting screwed? Judgement call

@Lyla good to know, we both still want one for an assortment of reasons but I let him know that my previous understanding of how that worked in CA was wrong.