Prenup

I've seen a poster comment on prenup threads before (I can't remember who to give credit to - sorry! Also hoping I don't mess up their comment) that we all essentially have a prenup based on your states rules for divorce. That is your current prenup and it's up to you to decide if those terms are something you're comfortable with. If you're not, getting a prenup drawn up for you and your future spouse is a good idea. A prenup is, as others have mentioned, insurance in case something happens. It should be designed to protect both of you in case of divorce.

This is always a hard discussion, especially if one person is on board and one isn't, but having gone through a divorce and then the death of my husband (we were best friends until he passed away, but the married part wasn't the wisest move....) I can tell you that having a prenup would have save me months of phone calls, money and aggravation.

The reality of life is that things and people change. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking it will fail, but there are situations with lopsided assets that make a well written pre-nup a clarifying document for everyone. I had a couple a few years ago; her family owned several very big businesses. The groom actually initiated the pre nup process because he wanted her family's assets to be protected in any case. It made his intentions clear and I know it went a long way to assure his family that he was an ethical, up right guy.

Add kids, properties, businesses, etc into the mix and it can all get very messy.

We have no assets really. Any assets we obtain will be obtained together. My FH has a pension, but would never dream of having a prenup. We also have parents with nothing to give us, so no worries there.

If either of us had children or investments or assets I would probably push for one.

I'm pro-prenup, but we didn't end up signing one.

I have a thread from a long time ago when I asked, and it had some informative responses. I'll see if I can find it. Prenup threads tend to get heated, just fyi.

ETA: Found it!

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/to-prenup-or-not-to-prenup/7edcbcf3423120f8.html

If you're on mobile and can't click the link, just google "wedding wire prenup bemyguest" and it was the first thing to pop up.

We spoke about it and ultimately did not get one because financially and potentially and earnings we are about the same.

However, if there was a large discrepancy, we would have gotten one.

I see no reason not to get one if it makes sense.

Those who refuse to get one should have a really really good reason that does not include "it's not romantic and you are setting yourself up for divorce".

I think the prenup depends on the state you live in. California is a

NO fault" state. You split everything 50-50. I might get one if I had zillions of dollars. I do not.

FH and I signed our prenup last week. He truly did not want one at first until our lawyers insisted. I think they're just being financially responsible. Like someone else said kinda like insurance. He owns part of an LLC and several properties that his family worked hard to attain over the years so for me a prenup was a no brainer, I fully expected one. I do NOT look at it as if we are planning to fail, just planning. When you truly are partners and best friends it's not like you create the contract out of hate, ours protects us both as any good prenup should.

We had talked about but we both came in with similar assets and ended up not getting one.

We have decided to get one for a safety net. I know FH wouldn't take anything I have if we were to ever divorce but you never know. I originally told FH if you don't want to sign you don't have to I completely get it but he decided he wants to so that's that. Neither he or I look at it as a plan to fail it's just something you do when dealing with very large sums of money. I know first hand how family can get stupid and make stupid choices when money is involved so this was a no brainer.

I don't see the point of getting married if you even think a divorce is a possibility, so if that is your reason for getting one, I don't think that you should probably be getting married in the first place. But in the case of one of you dying long before the other, then I would say get as much information as you can and think long and hard about the process before moving forward with it.

We are getting a prenup because we have significant differences in income, assets, and retirement accounts. I would suggest you discuss what the terms would be and get your own lawyer. Also realize they are not cheap. I am paying several thousand for mine. I do not know anyone else that has one or had one prior to divorce. I do know some people that wish they had one though.

@Kenzie that is a silly way of thinking. Obviously people don't want to get divorced but it is foolish to think it could never happen.

We have discussed prenups at length but have opted against one. Originally, FH was dead set on getting one. He makes 5x what I do, owns a house appraised at 4x mine, and has more in savings. I am financially smart and savvy (I own my house too and have a healthy savings) but he still wanted to keep his assets protected. He has also seen numerous coworkers shell out a ton of alimony while the ex lives in luxury, and he was worried about that.

Surprisingly, he was the one who actually opted to not move forward. I came around to being open to one but left it up to him to pursue, and he chose not to. I think it helps that NC law also protects his assets acquired prior to marriage anyway... where it would get sticky is if/when we use those assets towards OUR future.

I'm happy with our decision but it took a lot of discussions and honestly some heated fights to get on the same page.

My conception of prenups changed significantly with age, assets, and experience. When I was in my early 20s and had nothing, I wouldn't have dreamt of it - it was something in my mind for rich old men and their twenty-year old third wives. Over the past decade though, as I worked and accumulated assets, recieved inheritances, watched a close friend go through a very long painful divorce, and another friend's father abandon his children upon remarriage, I realized that they are actually a very important planning tool. They aren't just for divorce, but also when used in conjunction with a trust, a powerful planning tool for death and remarriage.

I think it really just depends. It never hurts to get one. My FH and I have been going back and forth about getting one. He doesn't think we would need one and I really don't think we do either but I am leaning towards it because I will inherit a lot of land from my father (he is a farmer). I would like the security of knowing it will never leave our family if something bad were to happen. But honestly, I would just talk to your FH about it more and see as to why he would prefer to get one. My FH understands why I would want one for the land and is on board if I decide to go that route.

So, my FH owns a house, he makes almost 3x what I do, and his overall concern is that he doesn't want to get "screwed" if we were to get divorced here in Washington.

My main concern is that it would make things set in stone and I would hate for an unseen future to happen and our prenup doesn't work out fairly anymore.

My other concern is, he has plans for me to be a stay at home mom, while I have no issues with that, it does take me out of the work field and if we were to divorce it may make finding a job that gives me decent money difficult.

Also, he gets a certain amount of time with an attorney paid for by his work. He was shocked when I told him that I would still be getting one to look over it (if we get one). He thought that I should just with him to his attorney. I explained that, this is a legal document, and if I'm going to sign my name to it, I will have another lawyer go over it for me.

All of your comments have been very helpful.

I am totally team pre nup, after the draft is presented you in turn have your lawyer review the document if you agree with the terms of the prenup then you sign the document and your lawyers notary signs on it and case closed. It is when there are multiple negotiations is when it gets sticky. Mine was extremely legit on both sides as my education was paid by my work in agreement to continue working for them for 1 year for every 10 grand I used. We both have great credit and it just made sense.

I feel ya there my fiance and me have been talking bout having one or not having one

I'm pro prenup. It's to ensure you both are protected should your marriage end. When you're planning a wedding and in the peak of happiness, it's hard to imagine that your marriage could turn into an ugly divorce, but it does happen. You want to make sure that you have an agreement before anger, pain, and resentment come into the picture. Sorry to sound so gloomy but shit happens.

@Justina - Based on your update, I understand both of your concerns. You are definitely smart to insist on your own lawyer, especially since you are considering becoming a SAHM. You definitely don't want to sign away important rights, like alimony.

Have you guys talked in detail about what he wants the prenup to cover? There is no standard prenup agreement that will protect both of you. The process of getting one will be much easier (and cheaper) if you guys can agree on major items before going to the lawyers. My FH and I scheduled a time to sit down and go over all our finances, as well as hash out what I want the prenup to cover.

My H owns businesses and property. I do not. He admitted about halfway through our engagement that he mulled it over in his head. He said he seriously thought about it and weighed out all pros cons, options, and everything else. He decided against it. We did not get a prenup. I think I would be okay with it if it was what he really wanted, but I did not have to go there. At first it surprised me, but after looking at it from his point of view, I understood why he thought about it.