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Laura
Beginner April 2022

Planning with a Totally Different Personality Than My fh

Laura, on June 17, 2020 at 5:06 PM Posted in Planning 0 14
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I got engaged in March, and have just started dabbling in the planning process. My fiancé and I are almost 100% polar opposites when it comes to EVERYTHING - definitely an opposites attract situation. I'm type A, he's type B. I'm the primary earner, he goes along with whatever job is in front of him and hopes for the best. I'm very sentimental and emotionally driven, he is unemotional. Most of the time it works and we each do our separate things together, but we have had a couple 30,000 feet wedding conversations which have all ended in tears because we don't agree on ANYTHING for the day, from big to small decisions! For example, he would much rather put the wedding money towards a new patio and have the reception in our own backyard, and I have envsioned a venue reception with all the bells and whistles. Or, I want to splurge on a photographer and a nice wedding album, and he said its pointless because he wouldn't look at the photos more than once. Long story short - did any of you plan a wedding with a polar opposite? How did you ever manage to come to a compromise with such different viewpoints and expectations for the event to feel authentic to both of your personalities?

14 Comments

Latest activity by MrsD, on June 18, 2020 at 3:36 PM
  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
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    Ah there must be a middle ground to how much he's comfortable with spending right? and that way you could work with that budget of his?

    or for stuff like photography for instance you can find a more inexpensive photographer by hiring a college student or finding photographers that are looking to spruce up or add to their portfolio.

    there were things my husband wanted and i didn't aha or vice versa and we just compromised by saying ok i get this then you can also get that, etc. but in your case it seems like he mostly doesn't really want to plan a wedding event in the way you envision

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  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    You are in the same boat as many couples. I think it is often common that one has the drive and desire to plan a big event and the other does not. My FH is the same where he did not want to spend a lot of money and personally could do the courthouse. I think you both should come up with a happy medium because if I read your post correctly, you want the big lavish day and he wants to spend that money in other ways. I feel you deserve to have a lovely day, it is his day too and you both should agree on a budget you can both be happy with. Makes you feel better I am planning basically all of my elopement and I am fine with that because I have my vision of making it nice and wedding like so I include him when needed. I gave him the reigns of the honeymoon and it is working for us. I am type A too but sometimes I like planning things my way. Smiley smile

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  • Laura
    Beginner April 2022
    Laura ·
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    Thank you for not making me feel so alone with this issue - my FH mentioned a courthouse too and would be JUST FINE with it! I have no idea why I believed he would be super excited and become a type A planner for our wedding, even though nothing has ever led me to believe he was a type A planner in 4 years of dating. LOL. Maybe I can put him in charge of the honeymoon, like you are doing. I feel like he would be better at that because he likes to travel.

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  • Joneka
    Dedicated March 2021
    Joneka ·
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    Yep! Same boat....This is our second marriages so FH didnt see the point of having a wedding. He wanted to go to the courthouse because We've "already had the big wedding"....I disagreed, but we compromised....He set a budget of $5000 and I'm working within that. The only aspects he cares about is food and his suit, so I let him choose the caterer and his suit. I picked three suits and let him choose which one he liked best. It is a far cry from the plated dinner I would have chosen, but it makes him happy and I get the rest of what I want.


    PS...its funny that he wanted to go to the courthouse, but once we started the guest list, his side is larger than mine...LOL.
    So, my advice is prioritize. Ask what his main things are and give him those....also start with a budget that will give you insight on all other aspects. As for the size of wedding, start with a guest list. More people =more money. You might be able to splurge on a photographer but have to cut other things.
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  • Laura
    Beginner April 2022
    Laura ·
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    Thank you so much for this! I love your advice - I'm not willing to do an event in our backyard (LOL he has 70 people in his immediate family alone, same as your FH), but I'm sure there are other things I can compromise on so that he feels like he is getting the day he pictured - even if those things are a little more "laid back" and his style than the day I pictured.

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  • Mrs. S
    Super November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
    • Flag
    I wanted to go to the courthouse but he wanted a big wedding with his family and friends. Then surprisingly I ended up doing all the planning and almost none of his side showed up. We tried to compromise on a lot of things. My husband didn’t get super excited about planning until we went to look at venues, and he was so happy on the wedding day. And the photos and album are definitely worth it. Hopefully your fiancé will come around and negotiate with you on certain things.
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  • Jeanette
    Expert July 2021
    Jeanette ·
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    As Joneka said, I suggest you guys separately write down 3 priorities and 3 things you don't really care about. That will hopefully help you to begin knowing where to compromise. If he doesn't care about the flowers, you can do as you like. If you don't care about the music, he can decide. Yes, that might mean he picks the most "practical" option, but if for you the priority is venue (ie not your own yard) then that's already a big expense. I'm sure you guys can find ways to cut expenses and make your FH more comfortable elsewhere.

    I hope maybe that helps? Smiley heart

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  • Laura
    Beginner April 2022
    Laura ·
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    This is GREAT advice! I think we got so stuck on arguing about what we didn't want that we forgot there were areas to compromise. I am definitely going to try this because it almost ensures compromise while also likely ensuring that we both get our priorities.

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  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    LOL mine is notorious for saying "I don't care" and then when I make a decision having all kinds of opinions ha ha ha. He said the same thing about the honeymoon then he did some research and now he is in a Facebook for people going to resort and for tips and has been watching tons of vlogs lol. I get it is frustrating because I would like to do more planning with him but you know what, it is what it is. He and I did sit down and agreed on a budget and agreed how many people we wanted there and we saw the venue with me and we discussed cake lol. I keep him involved in regards to going for cake tasting, kept him involved on how long he wanted to ceremony to be and to see the venue closer to with the photographers. Everything else I set up and told him the money I needed from him. Not ideal but utilize this site and your friends. I have been getting opinions from friends on things but truthfully I am kind of putting my vision into how I want to day to look so it still feels bridal and wedding like but nothing too crazy for him.

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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    Well, at least you understand and appreciate that you’re opposites, so that’s good. But this is a common topic here. When it comes to weddings, all of the hype and hoopla surrounding them is very much a female thing. I mean, how many males are even on this app obsessing over sky blue vs. sea blue... what sweets to have on the dessert table... asking which dress to select between 2 lace gowns that look damn near the exact same? 🤣 😂 You know your FH and his personality and interests. If he wasn’t into picking fabric colors, choosing flowers, etc. then please don’t expect it simply for the wedding (it’s an unnecessary battle). As much as it sucks to hear, your FH is correct about wedding pics. This is my second marriage and, no one looks at wedding pics on a regular basis after a few months into the newlywed life. So, the best advice is to find compromise in the planning process. If he doesn’t want to overspend, then seek lower priced vendors. Take your vision and create in within your budget possibly doing a lot of DIY. Then loop him in on areas that he might have more interest (ex: food and music).


    Although this is a second marriage for both FH and I, we’re doing it all and having a destination wedding in Vegas. But, we’re the couple who hosts about 3 themed parties per year along with a few casual gatherings in between. So, our wedding and the unique venue is “So Us”. But that’s not the case for everyone and I wouldn’t push your FH if he’s not into it. My FH did well during venue tours but he could care less about the small decor details. However I still get his opinion between 2 final options I’m deciding between (ie. STD’s, invitations, etc) even though I’ve usually made up my mind already. So that’s also an idea to use and keep your FH semi-involved 😉. FH knows I can (and enjoy) handling the planning... and I much prefer it this way. We discuss things like wedding songs for the ceremony/reception, the venue and most recently postponing until next year. But, I don’t bombard his male brain with the girly wedding stuff.
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  • Kelly
    Dedicated September 2020
    Kelly ·
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    I was the same way with you, photos were my number one priority. You did mention you are the primary earner, so does that mean you would be paying for the majority of it? Do you think the reason he wants a smaller wedding is because he feels guilty that he can’t help pay? I have noticed for a lot of men, my FH included, they feel like they should be “providers” so if they can’t pretend they just avoid the event/concept entirely. I always knew I wanted a “traditional” wedding but my FH was neutral. Once I told him I would pay for the majority of it (with help from our parents) he was less stressed about it. Luckily my FH is pretty easy going. I basically have planned everything and whenever it comes down to a decision I just show him the options and we pick together. Maybe talk to both of your parents and see if they have any ability to help you money wise, because that might be his main concern.
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  • Laura
    Beginner April 2022
    Laura ·
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    Thank you for this thoughtful comment. Yes, I will be paying for the majority of the wedding with some help from his parents and my parents. His opinion seems to be more on the side that he thinks the money could be better spent in other ways than a "nice" wedding, since he is not sentimental and is more practical. He would rather get married in a courthouse and spend the money we would have put towards a moderately priced wedding venue on a new patio, for example, that will be enjoyed at our home for years to come. This is hard for me, because while I do agree that a patio is a more lasting investment, I have also dreamed of a special day with some bells and whistles since I was little and want to kind of "do it up!"

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  • Jeanette
    Expert July 2021
    Jeanette ·
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    Oh good I'm so glad you find it helpful... Otherwise I guess you both could have an opinion on everything and never agree! 😂 But there's some things that are worth it and some things that are not.
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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    I'm very type A, and my husband is kind of split (type A with some things but more type B in general). I basically took over wedding planning and made most the decisions. He was supportive and helpful, but he would have been fine with a bbq at our house if I wanted. He just knew the day was super important to me (plus my dad was paying for all of it) so he let me take the lead. He spoke up on things that were important to him (DJ, groom's attire, bachelor party, alcohol package, food, etc.) but let me decide pretty much everything else.

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