Parents think I am too young?

In my experience, when parents say "you're too young," they're actually worrying about maturity rather than age. Your parents may actually be worried that - fresh out of grad school - you may not be able to afford a wedding or life together. Marriage is a lot more than the wedding day. If you've been living long distance with your boyfriend and have never actually lived together (I don't know your living situations other than that - whether you've ever lived on your own or had to pay your own way in the world or not), but if you haven't had to do any of this, then this is a legitimate concern for your parents. They want you to be successful and might just be worried that you don't know what you're getting into by launching yourself into a marriage as soon as you graduate. A vast amount of grad students don't find jobs straight out of grad school and still have to find a way to pay off crippling student debt. This on top of a wedding can be a disaster. Perhaps your parents are just trying to caution you into being more prepared. I think you should show your parents that you can be prepared for life on your own with your intended. Show them a budget. Let them know you have a plan. Perhaps if you show them that you're emotionally and financially mature for a marriage, then maybe they'll be a little bit more receptive to the idea. My best friend got married shortly after her 21st birthday. Yes, it was what some people would call "too young to be married," but she and her husband are happily married almost 4 years later. To each their own as long as they're ready for the road ahead!

We are planning to do premarital counseling through our church this spring.

Thank you OriginalKD!

Just my two cents...

I don't think the issue is whether or not your to young or mature enough. I'm not sure if your looking for acceptance and for us to tell you it's ok. Nobody here is going to be able to give that to you. You seem like a reasonable mature person and it seems that you have given your future a lot of thought. The question you need to think about now is would you be okay with getting engaged/married without your parents fully behind you? That's the issue you need to look at.

You will be a completely different person when you are 30 than you are now. None of the posters that are in their 20's can tell you that, but every one of us posters over 30 has already.

If you want your parents to take you seriously, start getting yourself established NOW. Start your independent life today, not in 2 years. If you aren't finishing grad school for another 2 years, you are only taking 1 or 2 classes a semester. So start working 40 hours like a grown up. Get off your parents health insurance and buy your own. Take responsibility for the premium and the deductibles. Just because you CAN be on their insurance (thanks Obamacare) doesn't mean that you SHOULD be. Get your own cell phone plan, and pay for it. Pay for your own grad school and your own grad school housing. And while you are at it, start saving 6 months worth of expenses to get you and your boyfriend through when that job offer falls flat, or you break a leg and need surgery. Establish your credit, and don't let your parents pay for anything for you.

FH and I have been together since 15 and 16 years old. We're now 22 and 23 and getting married in less than 2 months. I just graduated from college in May, but FH has been working in the oil and gas industry for almost 3 years now. We are having fun getting our lives started outside of our childhood homes, but we definitely aren't what people consider "well established" since we're so young (but there are no issues with money, paying bills, etc).

I would just keep mentioning the idea of engagements in general, which will hopefully help them be less shocked when you go ahead and announce it to them. I never had to deal with my family thinking we're too young, so I'm so sorry that you have to justify your feelings regarding this. Are you the baby of the family? Parents often act kooky when their youngest child is branching out.

Edited: Spelling. Also, being older doesn't necessarily mean well established. I know tons of 28 people that have issues paying their bills and deciding whether they need a new, expensive handbag or groceries for the week (not that it's any of my business, but just throwing it out there).

It sounds like they want you to experience life before you get tied down with someone and then have kids and are more limited in what you can do. My opinion? Talk to them. Ask them why they think you are to young. explain to them that this is what you want and it makes you happy.

Me and my mom used to fight a lot. I was 18/19 and on my own making my own decisions and she kept butting into it and getting upset that I wasn't doing things her way (NWR). I came to her and said, look you raised me to be a srong independent woman and be myself making my own choices so let me do it! It worked! They may be your parents, but they are people and have feelings and reasons for their actions. Us as kids sometimes forget that. Understanding from both sides will go a long way.

I don't think you're too young. However, I do think you should live together for a few years before you get married! Iron out the cohabitation bit before you both decide on a wedding!

Unfortunately I have 17 credit hours and class 9-4 every day so a full time job is out of the question. I'm going into the medical field so my second year of school I will be in the hospital "working" but not being paid because it will be field experience. That is why school is so long.

I am the baby of the family. My next closest sibling is a 25 y/o unmarried brother.

Between now and your wedding, who will be financially supporting you? I think I read somewhere that you're financially independent--does that mean you're paying for your school and housing?

If you were my daughter, my biggest concern would be that by the time you get married, you'll have hardly spent any time in the "real" world working in your field AND making money while doing so. I know there a lot of younger girls on this thread, but as someone who's close to 30, I can tell you (and others will probably tell you the same thing) that it was a big transition for me. A lot of growing up happened then.

You still haven't answered why not just enjoy a longer engagement? I get that you're abstaining for religious reasons, but you could still live together (I don't buy the temptation thing). Or, have you ever thought about maybe taking a couple of years to each live on your own in the same city and adjust to working life? I think another important right of passage is having your own place.

I don't quite understand why this is a big deal - talking about getting engaged in 5 months isn't exactly the same thing as being engaged and getting married immediately. You can avoid the whole issue by not talking about it with others until it happens. A lot can happen in 5 months.

I'm an older bride (got married at 41) so i'm probably around your parents age and can see their point. I can you tell you i'm not the same person at 23 that I was at 29. I had my own place at 29, established in my life and career, traveled like crazy (23 countries). I definitely enjoyed that time to learn about myself, the type of person I wanted to be, I had a lot of fun, joined several organizations were I volunteered my time.

I moved in with my DH while engaged and our lifestyle changed, I thoroughly enjoy it but it's different being a unit vs. when you are single. I am very glad I had that time to grow as a person. Again, this is from my own life's perspective being where I am in my life and career.

This is actually awful seeing all the people on here who are implying you have to live together before you're married. I didn't live together before we were married, and given it's only been a few months, but if you really know someone it doesn't matter. Is he surprised to see my hair in the shower/I'm not the best at flushing in the mornings? Sure... do we communicate if something bothers us, definitely. I'm truly surprised to see so many people so adamant about living together as a prerequisite. I think many other things are more important, such as managing household finances.

I'm just going to ask, why do they think you're too young? Did they say anything about whether it was just age or something else?

I personally think that age is fine, but I'm going to say to wait until you're at least no longer long distance. FH and I were also long distance for a long time, and things change once you get to be near each other again after a long time. For us, it changed for the better. For other couples we know, the two weren't really compatible anymore for daily living. That would be my only worry

It seems I'm late into the game and that you already have about 5 pages of comments and opinions. As you can see there's lots of ways to go about things. I was 27 when I got married, but I've been with my now husband since we were 19. Was I ready at 23? I think so. Do I regret waiting extra 4 years? Not really. Things are ok either way. We did long-distance, we did same-city, but we never lived together. Our 1 year wedding anniversary and 9 years together is coming up in less than a month. Are we happy? Absolutely.

No matter what age you are you have to take responsibility for your own actions and that comes down to the nitty gritty things like paying bills and retirement planning, to talking about children, sexual preference, and also for your own emotions and actions. I'm also in the camp that "age doesn't matter". I actually believe that if you can make it through a long-distance relationship you will be better prepared, BUT it should not be long-distance for the entire duration of the relationship either. I'd actually say to wait (even just a few months) after you're not long-distance anymore before you get engaged to make sure you two still click together the same way as you have in the past. There's always an adjustment period after moving, so wait the 4 months or so for that adjustment period to be over before moving onto engagement

When I was 22, my boyfriend (now FH) of 4 months asked me to move with him from Ohio to Florida so we could stay together when he started med school. I said sure, what the hell, why not. My parents LOST IT. They were livid, telling me I was too young, I wasn't ready to live on my own after 4 years of dorm life, how could I be doing this, etc. But I did it anyways, because I was 22 and stupid.

For the first year of living in Florida, my parents were still very bitter and upset about it. But, over time, they saw what a good change it was. I got my first apartment, learned how to cook, went to grad school, and got a good job. It was really, really hard. I don't ever suggest dating a med student because it's the worst. But somehow, it worked. We've been together for three and a half years now and my parents are now totally on board with our impending nuptials because I showed them that I was actually more mature and prepared than they thought I was.

I realize that story was a little long, but the moral is that taking the right steps now and showing them that you are ready for this step and assuaging their fears can go a long way.

While I agree with what a lot of people have said about "begin too young" actually meaning "not mature enough" and that 23 is not necessarily too young to get married, I strongly disagree that you should live together first. The majority of posters seem to be pressuring you to live together, and I just wanted you to know there ARE people who support your decision. I think that the reason they're suggesting moving in together first is it will likely bring up a lot of conflict. Conflict resolution is conflict resolution, so if you've learned how to do it another way then I don't think there's anything living together first will get you. Commitment and compromise are more important than whether or not his bathroom habits annoy you.

The only weird thing I noticed is that you said, "We're talking about getting engaged in December." Once you've decided to get engaged, you've essentially decided to get married too. Engagement doesn't necessarily begin with a grand gesture, I think it begins when both people agree to get married, which happens a lot of times during a proposal but doesn't have to. Just my 2 cents.

To answer your actual question, you could try to establish yourself between now and then. Ask them what they mean by the phrase, and then implement it. If you show them that you're listening to them, they may realize that you are mature enough to get married after all. An immature response (like throwing a fit and starting a screaming match with them over this) will probably just reinforce their opinions.

I see that this thread has been argued out. But I wanted to share my story to the OP. DH and I met and started "dating" when we were 14. When we graduated high school he went to college 3 hours away and I went to college locally. The long distance thing was wonderful for us. We visited each other every 1-2 weeks for a weekend, but we were both able to establish our own independence and figure out who were and what we wanted. After 2 years, DH transferred to the local university and he moved into the same apartment complex as me. We are both very religious and don't believe in living together before marriage. But since we did live close we were able to start establishing our lives together. After 1 year he proposed and we didn't move in together until we were married in July. We are both 22 years old and have worked hard to be financially independent. We have known each other long enough that there were no surprises when we moved in together and love each other enough that assimilating our lives together has been relatively easy. I wouldn't suggest getting engaged when you are long distance, but if you are financially independent and you know you are ready for this, then go for it. I know plenty of couples that are going on their 30th wedding anniversary and have been married since 18 or 19 years old. 25 is not too young

Please don't listen to anyone that says you need to live together, wait until you're older or have sex first in order for your marriage to work. Those things aren't necessary. I know so many couples that got married young (younger than you) & waited until they married to be intimate & move in together. My parents were 18 when they got married and they'll be celebrating their 35th anniversary soon. It's all about your maturity level & if you're really committed to making it work. Will it be easy? Absolutely not. But no marriage is.

HA. No. I'm 23 and he's 26. I'll be 25 and him 28 when we tie the knot. You're good.

I was 25 when we got married. We will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary soon.