Parents think I am too young?

For me personally, I started dating FH at 22, so 23 would've been too young for me as I just wasn't ready. We will be 28 and 29. That being said, my older brother got married at 23 and him and his wife are super happy and a an amazing daughter. I agree with those talking about the societal shift. It used to be the norm to get married and have kids at 20/21. Now that is seen as wicked young. It's really about when you guys feel ready. I will say that it might be worth holding off until you aren't long distance anymore to get engaged, but it honestly sounds like you are both ready (financially and maturity). As for your parents, once you are engaged keep them in the loop. If they bring age up again before you get engaged, tell them the advice you got on here about how age is not the main factor in deciding to get married.

Emotional and mental maturity are definitely more important than age when evaluating marriage readiness. However the thing about maturity is when you are not mature you can't recognize that immaturity in yourself. Hindsight and people close to you are really the best ways to see it. If I were you I'd dig a little deeper into your parents reasons for objection. They say you should be older and more established before you marry, but you say you are independent and managing most of your affairs on your own. Do they support your relationship with marriage out of the equation? If not, why? Did your parents or other people close to you marry young and grow apart? Usually parents do have your best interest in mind, so I would want to know what their true worries are, or know for sure that they are just nervous about the changes marriage will bring to your life. Fwiw, I am 32. Ten years ago I was also sure I was ready to get married. if I married the man I as with at the time (we were together for 3 years) I am positive we would have been divorced before age 30. Of course that wouldn't be the case for everyone! But 10 years ago I was sure we were mature, ready for marriage, and would be together forever. My current fiancé is actually similar to that ex in a lot of ways, but so much better for me. I am glad I let myself explore more of life before settling on a partner.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm willing to bet that your parents know your relationship and care more about your welfare than a bunch of ladies on the internet - even these ladies, the nicest in the world. Please consider trusting them.

You can be on your parents' insurance even when you're married? Unless there is some major medical issue that would make finding new insurance difficult or cost prohibitive, it seems odd to rely on them for that. If you are as mature and financially independent as you claim, you and your FH should figure out your insurance situation together. Who knows, maybe your parents aren't thrilled at the prospect to be on the hook for you while you claim how mature and independent you are. Talk to them.

My 2 cents.

That doesn't sound too young to get married. You seem like you are mature and independent. They could be concerned about long distance or something else. DH and I got engaged on my 21st birthday and we moved in together when I graduated college. My mom told me she was concerned about finances repeatedly when she was actually morally against living together. My parents were also concerned by our ages, but once we were living together, they were much more anxious for us to get married. I also don't think still being on your parent's health insurance is a problem. I'm still on my parents', because I'm in law school and just the premiums for DH and I would be more than 10% of our household income. My little brother is on my parents' insurance so they'd be paying for a family plan anyway.

I'm with OKD. I am 32 and met my husband right before I turned 30. When I was 22, I was no where near ready to marry and I sure as hell wasn't dating anyone who was marriage material. But I don't think if I had met my husband then that we would have gotten married a few years later. We both have grown and matured so much since our early 20s. The relationship I have with myself has changed so much. But my college roommate just celebrated her ten year anniversary so it's really about knowing yourself.

I don't think age has anything to do with it because we all mature at different rates. The real question is where are the two of you in your life right now? You said long distance. Have you always dated long distance or is it only long distance now? because if you have never kissed and held hands and farted freely near each other, you NEED to do that before you marry him! In my opinion you two should have a long engagement so you can save money for your first place together and for your wedding. Save at least $8-10,000 so your move and wedding will be covered. This can take a while, so just stayed engaged. You'll have the rest of your life to call him your husband but you will miss the days you could say 'fiance'. So move close together and spend your saving years close to each other, not long distance. Your family loves you and doesn't want you to have a divorce in your future, it's probably not your age that makes them doubt, but the long distance and the eagerness to have the ceremony. It's not about the wedding, it's the commitment, so what's a few years of waiting going to hurt?

READ THIS, please:

It's NOT whether you are too young - it's that you're in a LDR for a long time.

My brother had a 5 year long distance relationship where he and his girlfriend were together for summers, and lived apart during graduate school the other 9 months. They were 23 and 24.

They got engaged at the beginning of their final year of Master's programs, and planned the wedding for the following October. They graduated, she started a PhD program and he got a job. They were living with their parents until they found a house. They married in October, and bought a house in January and moved in.

Six months later, they were in marital counseling because they were having terrible difficulties living together. They were in therapy for a year. My brother moved out 18 months after their wedding for 2 months, they reconciled, but 4 months later he filed for divorce.

A year later, he met a wonderful girl, daughter of a family friend, and they hit it off. They moved in together after dating for a year, and they got married 2 years after that, and are happily married now for two years.

The problem was not their age - it was that they did not have to work through the normal issues of figuring out if you're not just in love, but compatible with each other; how you handle stress; how you see your life moving forward... in an LDR, you're so happy to see each other when you get together, that you may subconciously be burying issues that will surface when you have to live together. These things pile up, and you may find that who you've become as individuals is no longer compatible.

You should live together before you marry. You can get engaged, but set a date in the future where you are going to live together a full year or better 2 years, before you even start wedding planning. It will take that long to figure out how to live together - trust me, been there, done that!

There is just no rush... I was with my DH for six years before we were married - if he's the right guy, it will be fine. But getting married is a legal obligation, and divorcing costs a LOT of money - money you don't need to spend.

Consider to get this workbook, recommended by our minister, and work through it together:

The Marriage Journey. It may help you figure out if you have hidden issues, before you make your decision. http://www.amazon.com/The-Marriage-Journey-Preparations-Provisions/dp/0898694329

Best $18 you'll spend.

I would add one thing: you say "I'd like to be married by then". Why? Why do you *need* to be married before you move in with him?

That sets off an alarm bell for me... and I suspect there is more to this story that your parents know, and we on the internet can't know - and I would trust your parents if they're encouraging you to hold off... My parents and I all knew, in fact, my entire extended family knew, that my ex-SIL wasn't right for my brother. If they think you should wait, there's probably a reason.

And frankly, if you're here asking all of us, it sounds like you have doubts too - but you may feel you've invested so much time in this, and he's a good guy, and you want to be a mom, or don't want to be a lone... whatever the reason, it's not a good enough one.

The only reason to get married is if you want to spend your life with someone, with no caveats. Anything else is unfair to your partner, and will not be a happy marriage.

Thanks for all the responses.

To address a few things- we have not always been long distance. And the "distance" is only 2 hours. We can still drive up on weekends to stay a weekend and go on dates/talk about our future in person. We just aren't in the same exact place. The distance is because I "went away" to graduate school in a larger city a few hours away.

Our reason for not living together is religious. We are both virgins and waiting until marriage. This is a personal choice and we feel that living together would be too big of a temptation. However, we have stayed the weekend with each other.

Thanks for the responses. His family is very supportive of his timeline. I guess it will just take me a while to accept that my parents on not on that boat.

My husband and I got married we are both 23

A lot of people have suggested living together first, but you said that goes against your beliefs. If you are remaining a virgin til marriage, you can still live together. I have a close friend who moved in with her then-fiancé several months before their wedding and they both were virgins until their wedding night. Her older sister and HER now-husband did the same thing before their wedding. They are all devoutly Catholic so living under the same roof wasn't going to change their convictions.

That's not the reason for getting married. The reasoning for getting married is that we will both be finishing up school, relocating, and getting our full time jobs. I see no reason to establish separate households when we could just get married, live together, and start our life together. We will be done with school, working, and be able to live together. I think the timing just makes sense for a whole lot of reasons.

I don't think that you HAVE to live together before marriage. Personally, living with my FH was vital for us, and in general I think that's the best way to really make sure you're compatible, but I don't think it's imperative.

However, the fact that you don't seem to think that visiting each other on weekends is very, very, very different from actually living together full-time seems awfully naive to me. Which may be why your parents are saying you're too young.

And I agree with Spazzy 100%. Please don't get married because you want to have sex.

Don't listen to anyone that says you're too young. They do not know your relationship as well as you do. As long as you know that you are ready, that things won't always be easy, and are going to stay committed no matter what, then you are ready to get married. No one can make that decision for you but you! FH will be 26 when we get married and I will be 24 and I feel like we have a very stable relationship and are more than ready to be married. Maybe try marriage counseling to ease your families' minds? My FH and I are doing it and it's been a ton of fun and really been beneficial!

I realize that living together and visiting are very different. I was merely making the point that our "LDR" isn't really LONG distance. We are still discussing our marital plans and important information in person. Many suggested not planning to get married if we never got to see each other face to face or had met on the internet or something to that extent.

Yay!! OP has a face :-)

Caitlyn you and your FH make a very nice looking couple. Thanks for updating!

@caitlin My sister and her husband (who married at 20) didn't live together and were both virgins before they married. They're both very religious...and they are now 30 and have a GREAT marriage. I'm sorry that your parents can't understand. :-(

I would actually explore why your parents think you're too young. We don't know you the way they do so I would take all the "you're not too young" advice on here with a grain of salt. I'm assuming your parents have more insight than Internet strangers and I would at least have a discussion about their concerns.

I agree with PPs that whether or not you're ready for marriage has more to do with maturity than age, however, no one in this thread knows you well enough to gauge your maturity. Have you asked your parents what their concerns are specifically? They know you better than anyone on here.

I will say this... Statistically, those who get married young (under 25) have a higher divorce rate. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm NOT saying your marriage is doomed. What I'm saying is that a lot of growing up happens between the ages of 20 to 25. The person you are right now likely won't be the person you'll be in a few years. I was with my FH when I was your age, and even though I wanted to get married back then, I'm so glad we waited. While my 22 year old self thought I was ready, my 28 year old self now realizes I absolutely wasn't.

If you are going to go through with it, I'd highly suggest pre-marital counseling. Also, just a question, why rush the wedding? Why not enjoy a little longer of an engagement?