Parents don't want to stay at hotel and are chronically late

Woahhh. First, congrats on graduating. That is amazing and so good for you! I’m sorry your parents wouldn’t come.

I dont take being late lightly. I have some family who is flaky and have tried the “give them a time 2 hours earlier” and it hasn’t always worked. Tough love is the best I can offer. I would ask your mother what is more of a priority, being a part of your wedding or picking someone up from the airport. RN the message she is sending with her actions is that you are not a priority. If it were me I would tell her that if she cannot commit to being at the rehearsal on time that she’s welcome to attend the ceremony as a guest. If she’s late the ceremony will proceed on time and without them and seats will be reserved in the back row. Let them know that this day is planned very specifically. If they are late things cannot be held or put off.

I know this may be silly but if you have siblings that are able to, have them give check-in calls throughout the day of the rehearsal and wedding day. Have them call and just say “Oh wow are you excited. You should probably starting getting ready to head out, don’t you think?” Or “It sure is getting late. If you don’t leave in the next 15 minutes you guys are going to miss everything!”

Good luck. I really hope your family gets it together

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You're so sweet, thank you for the kind words

That's a good idea, I'll have my siblings keep nudging them :-)

I'm so sorry, their behavior is extremely rude, despite their kind hearts and gentle souls. On dad's last minute invitations, I would just tell him, "no, it's too late." On their tardiness and lack of organization, that sounds like my mom when her dementia was really beginning to show.... I agree with MrsBdeG about being very clear with them about when things will happen regardless of whether they are there or not and tell them point-blank how hurt you will be if they are not there on time. The other thing I'd consider is if there is a relative or close friend who is willing to take on managing their schedule & driving them to the events. Kind of like MrsBdeG's "check-ins," but literally having a person who stays with them and is responsible for making sure they are ready on time and "delivered" to where they need to be. We did that when my mom was elderly & had dementia at the time of my nephew's wedding; we hired her caregiver to make sure she was dressed and at the venue and they took her home again when she'd had enough (the immediate family was all involved in the wedding and it would have made it very difficult for us to do that ourselves). Do you have a responsible, understanding aunt, cousin, whomever who is willing to take responsibility for them the weekend of the wedding? Again, I'm so sorry. Unless there is a health issue, their behavior is extremely inconsiderate, no matter how sweet they are.

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Thank you, this really helps put things into perspective (it's difficult when so emotionally invested). I'm sorry about your Mom, that must be extremely difficult. The problem is, I don't have any real family (tons of relatives, no real family) besides them and my siblings - but my sister is the MOH and my brother is a groomsman so I'm not really sure who I would ask. My parents will be housing my mom's two sisters and a brother-in-law, but because they are flying in, they are dependent on my parents to get to the venue. And the other issue is, even if I had my siblings grab them on, say, Friday on their way to the rehearsal, my parents (mostly my Dad) won't budge for ANYONE. Ceremony would be starting and he'd be hopping in the shower with an hour and a half commute to go. This is the same guy who was late to the birth of his daughter (me). So in other words, I'm concerned he would make his "caretaker" late as well. I wish there was an affordable uber-like service I could hire to force someone to be on time. Hmmm.

This is super difficult. I know this sounds like a copout but you can't control their behavior, only your expectations and reactions. It's easier said than done, but I think you should wash your hands of this. You have enough on your plate. Can you put your sibling in charge of wrangling your parents? I wouldn't entertain the last second invites. Ignore it. Ignore the addresses and names. And if he asks if they were invited say "I FORGOT". I'm very sorry that this is something you even have to deal with.

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Wow! I'm so sorry then.... Given what you've described, I agree with Formerbride that the best thing for you is to just accept that this is who they are and try to accept that they will likely miss significant parts of their wedding -- because they are choosing to miss them.... I'd tell them one more time, very forcefully, EXACTLY what the schedule will be and HOW long it will take to get places (and give them a printed schedule that details what time they need to start getting ready to leave on time in order to arrive on time, if figuring that out on their own is beyond them...), and I'd let them know you've shared that same detailed schedule with the relatives who are flying in. I'd also tell them very directly how much it will HURT YOU if they are not at your wedding on time. Then, I'd drop it and not discuss it again. Finish planning your wedding, and when it comes, enjoy time and photos with those who are where they are supposed to be on time. It's hard for me to imagine adults who are incapable of complying with basic scheduling demands, but if your parents are not, I agree it's probably too late to change them. (Not to be rude, but do they hold jobs? Are they late for work everyday?) Good luck to you!

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Good idea, I'll give them an itinerary specific to them, hopefully that might help a little - or at least if they're late I won't be like "well maybe if I did this they would have made it . . ."

LMAO!! Those are completely fair questions. My mom (who's 80% chronically late only because of my Dad, the other 20% is her. She's more super disorganized) is on time for work and works the night shift, so she seems to be able to make it to work okay. My Dad, however, is a self-employed contractor so he just shows up to jobs whenever he pleases. He would never be able to work for anyone else, his personality doesn't allow for it.

It's SO difficult because it's almost like they don't understand etiquette and don't know any better, but on the other, I've made it very clear what I've expected (which is literally just showing up on time).

I'd sit down with them and tell them that it is so important to you that they do not ruin your wedding and rehearsal by showing up late. Yes use the word ruin. Tell them you try to be paitent because you know not everyone is an early bird but this is just too important for you to let go. Explain that you cannot invite anymore people and you need them to focus on being early for everything instead.

View Quoted Comment Oh, my goodness! LOL! I'm sorry, nothing personal, but if your dad was my contractor we'd fire him in a heartbeat.... We have a contractor we love for lots of reasons, but the thing we ALWAYS tell people about him when we're recommending him is that, "if he tells you he'll be there at 8 am, you darn well better be showered and dressed by 7:30, because he will be at your door ready to go!" Again, not meaning to be rude, but is there a cultural element to their conception of time/timeliness? In some cultures time is just much more "fluid" than most North American cultures.... We have one sister-in-law whose parents are from South America, and for most things with her we've just given up expecting her at a particular time and know that she & my brother and their kids will get there sometime. Over the years, we've tried giving them an earlier start time, but it never works.... She's still always an hour or two late. The only strategy we've found helpful is that for potlucks, we only ask her to bring a dessert, because by the time they get there we've already eaten the main meal! LOL! (Luckily, she's very good humored about our response to her lateness; she's been part of our family for nearly 30 years now and we love & accept her.) Again, good luck with the wedding!

I agree with the other posters, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would make it very clear to them that if they don't come to the rehearsal or are late, they would be able to participate in the ceremony because that's the whole point of the rehearsal. If they are late to the ceremony, you won't be waiting on them. Tell them that you feel as though your wedding isn't a priority based on their actions, and that makes you feel like you are not a priority to them since this is such an important milestone in your life.

And I would tell dad "NO" on his late invitations. Tell him that it is rude to invite people so close to the RSVP date (because it is).

And last but certainly not least, congratulations on graduating!!!! That is a huge deal that deserves to be celebrated and I'm sorry your family didn't show up (literally and figuratively) for you. I was the second person in my family to graduate with a bachelor's degree and the first to graduate with a master's degree and neither of those events were seen/treated as special to my family, so I know how much that hurts.

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HAH! Wow lol, that does sound like my Dad. It's funny you say that, he IS from South America; however, the rest of his family (also from South America) always runs on time, it's just my Dad (and they get frustrated with him because of it). And yes, I would totally fire a contractor if he was always chronically late and disorganized. My mom is from the U.S. and understands time, I'm just lucky if she remembers an event at all or gets the date/time right.

Hire a wedding coordinator or assistant for the weekend just to handle them? Of course they can help with other tasks but let them know this is the main focus.