Parents Are Not Helping

POPCORN, GET YOUR POPCORN!

OP - I understand that it's disheartening to have parents who don't offer on such a big occasion like this. I can only hope that they have/will help with actual, concrete tasks like the DIY's, invitation prep, floral design help, etc.

I'm not judging you one bit. Every family is different. I tend to have a hard time understanding why a parent wouldn't want to help a child through college, for example. Most normal parents want their children to succeed and a lot of the time, that means going to SOME type of school beyond high school. It is what it is... they'll either help or they wont. They may just be butt heads who are cheap or they could be people who simply CANNOT afford it.

It's really none of your business either way, but I do hope you eventually get the support you need from them when it comes to the emotional stand point.

After I got engaged my mother shocked me by offering to pony up on probably 1/3rd of the costs. I always figured we would end up at the JoP with a backyard BBQ hosting 20 people because I have not had a real job since November of 2012 and I have student loans coming out of my rear. My mother on the other hand is turning the wedding into a family reunion despite the fact that we will have only about 40 guests on my end (FH will probably have 100). So far she has paid deposits on my dress, some decor, the venue, and the photographer. FH started a bank account to save money just for the wedding and I decided to sell a vast majority of my furniture (I am a vintage dealer) to also help pay for the wedding/tackle the student loans. FH's family will probably not pay for anything, not even the rehearsal dinner. They pretty much have been 100% absorbed in their daughter and could not care less about the wedding.

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I can see how he could be hurt. I can imagine that he may misconstrue their lack of financial contribution as a lack of support. Hopefully he realizes that it's not the case. Children are not owed anything from their parents, try to remember that.

Am I the only one who thinks its normal for parents to pay? My moms parents paid for hers, they are paying for mine... And I expect and plan to pay for my daughter's one day.... No I didn't go and ask, I planned to pay for it ourselves and was very conscious of our budget until my dad came to me early in the planning and said he was going to pay for everything and was happy to do so for his daughter. I was so grateful!! Yes it's different if your parents financial situation is not good, but I do agree that it would come off hurtful and non caring if parents didn't even offer. Like, are they just normal guests? Not in my opinion. Lots of brides are sounding bitter here and need to get off their high horse about "I paid for my wedding myself so I'm better than you and it's 2014". Sigh. OP has a point...

@michelle your kids are so lucky that you are so sweet... Not. I hope you change your attitude when they do get married bc if my MIL had that attitude and still wanted to attend the "party", I would forget her invitation since she's just a random guest anyway. I'm sure you won't even care though, it's just a party

@Deborah, our parents will never be just guests at our wedding, regardless of whether they contributed. They're our parents and raised us!

I don't think it's normal for parents to pay anymore. Sure, it happens and when it does that's fantastic. I think people are having problem with the fact that the OP seems to feel entitled that the parents contribute financially. A lot of people believe adults should budget for their own wedding and only have what they afford. That's their prerogative to feel that way. But it is true that the traditional breakdown of who pays just doesn't happen for most couples.

My FH's parents are the same way. And I think the same way. If they really cared for their son and us brides, they will help out.

If you can't afford a wedding, than scale down on it. No one should feel like they "owe" or need to pay you anything because you decided to get married. My parents or FH parents aren't helping pay for anything, we are 20 and 21,college students having a $10000 wedding and have it paid already.

@Ashley I agree 100%

@Or Agoe ...your post too made me laugh and it was prefect and well said.

I can understand if you're upset that his parents aren't offering you support (i.e. they aren't interested in the wedding), but if it's money that you're concerned about then it does come across as if you have a sense of entitlement.

They may have other things on their mind - like how to afford their retirement for example. Even if they are well off, it is not their responsibility to fund someone else's party.

I find it extremely sad that so many have the mentality that "if the parents don't pony up the $$$ for OUR wedding they just don't care!". That is not the case at all in a lot of situations. Am I going to pay for college, yep. Am I going to raise two financially responsible adults, yep. Am I going to pay for their adult party? NOPE. Does that mean I don't support my children or care for them? HELL NO.

So many of you on here sound like you soley care about one day, the wedding day, and the party. Not the marriage. I refuse to throw money away on a party. I WILL however give a substancial down payment on a home which is so much more important than a wedding. How many on here think $$$ to go to a party shows "oh they care so much" and money to go to a home "Oh they don't care at all!"

I just want to post and say that I am in THE same position. My parents wrote us a check as large as they could (keep in mind they are Polish immigrants who struggled and we were very poor growing up) yet they managed to put away a little for their daughters wedding. My fiance is an ONLY child his parents gave us ZERO dollars. I understand it's not their responsibility to pay, however, as parents they should have a desire to help their only son with this huge expense. ESPECIALLY since his mother wants EVERYTHING to be included in our wedding and whenever we say "well that's kind of expensive, we might not do that" she gets all upset. If YOU want it in OUR wedding then maybe you should offer to pay for those things? As a future parent I will WANT to pay for my child's wedding, daughter or son.

@Deborah I agree. I do think it's normal for parents to pay. However, we never once asked my parents to pay—they really wanted the "big traditional wedding" and they offered.

I hate when people get all pissy when they ask for our budget and I tell them and that my parents are paying for most of it. I never once asked for them to pay—I would have been happy with anything.

My FIL's have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and I think that's it. Again, I never asked them to pay.

I think it really depends on the family's financial situation...I think there's always SOME way parents should be able to help out, even if it's small.

We are from the North. Traditionally, the Grooms parents pay for the bar expenses and rehearsal dinner. We should not have to ask, it should be expected. My mother has sent the Venue information with expenses listed to them, they see the cost, still no mention of helping. They are financially in a good position. I swear to God, if they prance around acting like they arranged and paid for everything, my Mother will give them the Bar bill. its not gonna be pretty, lol.

Genuinely amazed by this post. It makes everything seem so transactional in American families. Parents should in theory help for weddings. Just like kids in theory should help when parents retire and need more support, financial or otherwise. In any case, no financial support? No say whatsoever in anything. That’s a pretty great rule in itself.

View Quoted Comment First, this post is over 9 years old. I’d encourage you to start a new discussion. Today, the ultimate responsibility for a wedding of an independent couple, usually living on their own for many years by the time they are married, is rightfully theirs, though I’d argue most can’t responsibly afford the cost of an “average US wedding” or a big blow out. Parents who can afford to contribute without risk of setting back their own financial future often do out of love and sentiment but there is no entitlement, and they are in the small minority in any case.


Don’t forget, in the US many parents have already helped pay for the mostly unsubsidized higher education of sons and daughters, have high health care costs, the need to fund their own retirement, long term care, and potentially caring for their own older parents. One size does not fit all and considering finances does not make any offer “transactional.”

View Quoted Comment I didn’t see when this post was made and it also is irrelevant when it was made. I was just making a comment, I don’t feel so strongly about it to open a whole new conversation topic l about this because it doesn’t really affect me. I don’t agree it’s a small minority. It’s because most people can’t afford the average wedding cost that parents often contribute. Anecdotally, among all my friend group and my partners friend group, most parents contributed a large sum or paid the whole thing. They were able to without hurting their retirement so good for them! If I’m able to do that for my kids I 1000% would or they’d be like me and pay for it themselves. Transactional isn’t a wholly negative connotation but there were plenty of transactional comments. It is also most definitely a cultural thing. I hail from a Asian/European culture. It’s common for parents to help their kids whether it’s education, health, or wedding. Some don’t help with education but the others. Some help with weddings and not education. I get that, but generally I’ve seen most parents help with weddings. Now, naturally, I’m saying this in the context of they have money to do so without causing any financial distress for themselves. I didn’t contextualize that because again, I was making a comment. I’m a firm believer of no one should go into debt for essentially a party. In any case, there’s no need for further discourse on this. We’re on the same page and you made a few points which were completely valid which I didn’t contemplate in my comment but agree with.

View Quoted Comment Sorry— I don’t know how but this comment wasn’t actually made by me, it looks like someone else replied who had made this comment??? Aaaaand changing my passwords lol