Parents Are Not Helping

@Tiffany: It must be a Canadian thing to have your family want to pay. Lol! I can understand your dad's feelings. I would totally consider moving out of BC if I didn't love living on the west coast! Lol.

I get the OP point. I don't expect parents to pay I am planning my wedding around/how FH and I can pay. With that said, my FH also feels bad, because my mom did offer to help pay for somethings, I told her she didn't have to but she said "as your mom it is my responsibility and joy to help you with your wedding." FH's parents are divorced and we aren't even sure his father can afford to travel (plane tickets) so we are worried he will even be able to come, but FH's mom lives 2 minutes away and has repeatedly told us what she wants for our wedding but has stated she isn't paying for anything and has even offered her mother to pay for stuff. 1) who offers someone else's money without asking (we are not taking grandma's money!) 2) Its rude to demand things your way when its not your wedding nor are you helping pay for anything. ...And yes my FH is sad and angry, he even doesn't want to invite her t the wedding, which I told him wasn't fair its is mother and he is her only child. I understand where OP is coming from, its not an obligation for them to help pay but its sad when one family is offering and the other won't offer, its the jesture that counts.

It also amazes me how quickly everyone is to jump and yell at people on the forums. I understand "text" is hard to understand attitude and feelings of the OP but I'm really surprised people automatically jump to the negative.

I hope you read my comment. We are in a similar situation. And people don't understand that it's not about the money at all, they would give us $20,000 or $5 and it would feel the same, because their was thought behind it. My fiancé's parents had originally said they would help then never gave us a number, or a real answer. Our final conversation with them ended with, "We're sorry but we can't help with the wedding, we probably don't have gas money for the drive, and we can't give you a gift" directly followed by bragging about their raise at work and their awesome bonus. I can say that me and my FH feelings came from a place of hurt, not greed. Hurt that they didn't take our wedding seriously enough to at least put $5 a week away through or 9 month engagement for gas money. And I know the economy and blah blah blah, but we are working off of one person's income of $9 an hour, we are the people the economy is hitting, so we understand that and we are finding the money to put on a wedding, and save for a down payment on a home. Bottom line is people will spend their money on what they feel is important, and we can't change that. All we can do (even though i'm sure you're a little tiffed yourself) is to try to keep our FH calm and just remind him that his parent's are doing the best they can (even though everyone knows that's shit). And as for the "idk how anyone wouldn't offer." I honestly don't know if it was my child getting married I would help as much as I possible could because I would be coming from a more stable home, with more opportunities than a newlywed couple and I would wan them to start of with the best possible life they could. And ignore most of these people's comments. Some people just want to be nasty, and don't take the time to step into another persons shoes.

My dad didn't pay a dime for the wedding, in fact he didn't even pay for his tux. I did. But do I let that sour my relationship or experience? No, I know where my father stands financially and I would have never put the burden of MY wedding on his shoulders. And to hold it against him would be petty and selfish.

On the one hand I can understand your frustration to a certain extent - my parents have given us nothing towards the wedding which frustrates me for three reasons:

1. They promised that they would - my step dad even said "I have to pay for this one"

2. They drive around in a Rolls Royce as their everyday car and live in a mansion while I'm putting wedding bits on credit cards and struggling to make sure all the vendors are paid

3. FH's parents have given us £2000 and I feel bad that they should be so generous when my parents haven't as it's kind of unfair to them.

HOWEVER, I would never assume to get anything from them, and all along have planned the wedding as though they would give us nothing, anything they did give us would be a bonus. There is no obligation for them to give anything - as parents they bring you up (hopefully) to be a responsible adult able to take responsibility for your own actions and decisions (including getting married). Yes it would be nice, but not mandatory.

When we first got engaged and started to plan, we had a very open and honest conversation with both of our parents to determine our budget before we started planning. We both knew that our parents would want to contribute towards the wedding as both talked about it growing up. His parents were able to tell us what amount they would like to contribute to the wedding and what they would like it to cover, same with my parents.

I guess it depends on your relationship, but for us it was best just to be very open about it ad not try to sugar coat anything.

Also- Ashley I know what you mean about housing! We live in Victoria and the thought of ever buying feels pretty out of reach, and Vancouver is even more expensive! My SIL lives in Yaletown but it looking to purchase property, and is having to look in Tsawwassen. BUT, I also get why you wouldn't want to leave! I would have such a hard time ever leaving this Island.

DH's parents are deceased, and mine didn't help until the very end when my mom told me casually in a conversation that she took care of the flowers for us. We didn't expect a cent for anyone, and why would we? It was our wedding and what we wanted.

As a parent myself, I have always planned and expected to pay for at least a big part of my daughters wedding. Maybe what shes trying to say is that even a small contribution would show that his parents are excited/ supportive of the marriage. Her post doesnt seem to be about the money but more involvement and support of the wedding/marriage.

Hi, I know it 's totally hard to save. We were having the same problem and still kind of are. Just cut back on what you can cut back on, and make a list of the 'most wanted' and 'must have'. My parents are the ones contributing because they can. My husbands mom really doesn't have any extra money to spend and that might be the case. So in order to get the dress I wanted I had to do some extra jobs and stuff online. Some like surveys and stuff were just a waste of time because it took me too long to make any money and it was like only $30 in the end. I then did this instant rewards referral thing online getting a little over $1000 and I got my dress, but now I am trying to save for the honey moon and am just picking up extra overtime hours. But it seems to be working out! I just don't have time to really invest in the referral thing and once you sign up your family and friends, it's hard to do. But it's good initially.

I have two kids. My H and I are both physicians. I will NOT contribute 1 single cent to either of their weddings. It is a waste of money. If their brides to be think I am "immoral" for not paying for their party, I will do everything in my power to encourage my sons NOT to marry such entitled brats.

Getting married is an adult decision. If your old enough to get married, pay for it your damn self.

The only help we are getting from FH's mom is letting us put most of the reception on her credit cards. We are paying it all back!

Michelle you might also want to make sure your child isn't married before you go to their ceremony. Be sure to look that up

*woe is me

@Michelle - Getting married is definitely a grown up decision. You are right on that. But that doesn't mean that family can't help the special day. I am just putting it out there that when your children do get married and you have that sort of attitude about not putting a cent out. Their bride is probably going to be miffed about it. And you son is going to side with the bride over you every time if he truly loves her. Just saying...

@Or Ago - Your post made me laugh.

@Ashley I will be more than happy to contribute to a downpayment on a home, I will not contribute to a party. Period. And if the bride is miffed, that's too bad. I am not going to throw away money on a party.

And @Laudie-Neither one of my children would ever be so low to get married behind anyone's backs, pretend they aren't and lie to their family. Nice try though.

That's what you'd like to think but I'd be careful. I foresee a post "My FMIL is CRAY! She found out my social security number, birth certificate, tax returns, background check for me AND my family!"

@Angela, I see that I'm in the minority on this thread. While I absolutely do not agree that it's a "moral" issue whether parents contribute to a wedding or not, I'm going out on a limb and thinking that you're less upset about the money than you are just about a general lack of support or interest from his family.

I can relate. FH loves his parents and I know they love him, but they have done nothing, financially or emotionally, to support him over the past few years. This is not just limited to the wedding, this has been going on for a long time, even since before he met me. They are good people, but they are generally just self involved. When we got engaged, I could see that it hurt him that while my parents would sacrifice and save and do whatever they could to help us with the wedding, his parents weren't willing to contribute in any way. Eventually (and by this I mean just a few weeks ago) his mom offered to chip in, which is SO SO SO appreciated -- NOT because of the money (believe me, it isn't much), but just because she THOUGHT to try to help him and be there for him. His father, of course, hasn't called once to even see how the planning was going.

For my FH it isn't about the money (although the money is certainly a help), it's just that he wanted them to be interested and maybe bother to put themselves out there a little to see if there was anything they could do, be it financially or otherwise. I can't tell you how RELIEVED I was that his mom offered to chip in a bit, because I could visibly see how much it touched him. He later told me that he finally felt like someone on his side actually cared.

So...Or ago is the troll of the month? Oh, ok.

@Angela - I am sorry people have attacked you for your opinions/frustrations/concerns. I am with @Julia Beth on this ... it's not the money. It's the support. My FH has the same issues. My parents meet vendors with us. His parents are so self-absorbed they don't even remember our date. It is what it is, and I feel awful for him, but am thankful he has my parents to depend on for emotional support. My parents' would do anything possible to help make my dreams come true, so they are paying for the wedding. FH and I are paying for some things, but we aren't expected to.

Maybe if they just absolutely won't contribute financially, ask them to help put things together. Or seal envelopes. Or tie ribbons. Something, ANYTHING to show that they give a damn about their son's future.

If you're worried more about the support than the money, I do understand that. But that's not how you came across in your post. I do not believe that it's a "moral issue" for a parent to pay for their child's wedding, or pretty much for anything else (as long as their kids are adults, of course).

FH & I have been so lucky that our parents have offered to chip in something, even though the majority of the budget is coming from our savings. I do see that it's the thought that counts, but people have different ideas of where their money should go. Like FH's parents bought FBIL & his girlfriend a house because she was pregnant and they were living in a run down trailer and they wanted to give their future grandchild a better start in life. They have offered to pay for our rehearsal dinner (we're planning on either pizza or BBQ, so the budget for that is around $500). Am I mad that they spent like 300 times as much on FBIL? Absolutely freaking not. It's their money, no reason why they should spend it on my wedding.