Older vs. Younger Marriages

To me it isn't about the age of the couple, but about urgency. I've known many couples who have that intense sense of "We HAVE to get married...SOON" follow by rushed dates, intensity of getting married on a certain date or within a year, and a complete inability to pushback the wedding date for logical reasons like lack of money, or VIP guest schedules. It never, ever ends well.

If you're really with whom you're meant to be with, pushing the wedding back or taking a longer engagement will not hurt the relationship at all. That sense of urgency people feel is a huge red flag.

I totally agree with PP's, but I just had to comment to say that I love that you included sources! Made me crack up, sitting at my desk at school.

@spaz You're correct, I am an average aged bride. I didn't say I was a young bride. That response was for those that said that people should just enjoy being young and dating around. Surprisingly, even though I'm an average aged bride, the whole your brain not being developed until 25 makes a lot of people think that those younger than 25 are too young.

@Sarah I stated my degree not to patronize you. In my major, scholarly journal articles were the only sources that were considered credible. That was drilled in my head from the moment I started my program until my very last day.

I'll be 22 and FH will be 23 at the time of our wedding. I don't see it as doing a disservice to ourselves. We've been together 5 years. Lived together 3 of those 5 years. Before FH I was in 2 different abusive and controlling relationships. I did enough partying to get me through my life time and have no desire to go back to that point in my life. FH and I have dealt with financial issues (at one point we only had food because I worked at a restaurant) and other personal issues that I'm not even allowed to talk about yet. I'm happy where I am and if it ends in divorce I don't think it will have anything to do with age but it certainly won't help with statistics.

@A&W: The argument states 25 because that's the threshold, the point where development actually stops. Like any type of development however, it goes through a bell curve like phase: starting and picking up speed/intensity, a period of major upheaval and change, and a gradual cessation of the development and changes. By 23-24, MOST of the major changes are complete and the person is learning more and more about who they are, and they also have a higher ability to comprehend the changes and how they impact them as a person. So yes, at 23/24, a person is MUCH more prepared to enter into a marriage versus at 18 or 21, even though development is not quite finished.

@Elphaba makes good points, BUT the logic about the military is flawed. An 18 year old can sign a contract and enter the military, BUT they have to choose every 4-8 years if they want to continue said contract. It also isn't a decision that *most* make largely on emotion, though some do. Marriage however, doesn't give that "light at the end of the tunnel" a military enlistment contract does: there is no end date on it. That can make it feel like a cage to the people involved, instead of a mistake to work through like a military contract might be seen as. The only way to end a marriage is through divorce or death, while a person can technically terminate a military contract at any time (though it isn't the most intelligent way to do it, claiming to be suicidal will get you discharged very quickly. Just ask my exBIL.). Comparing a marriage to a military enlistment is really comparing apples to oranges.

The closest comparison would be comparing marrying young to having children young and, like marriage, statistically teen parents are much more likely to neglect or abuse their children than parents who benefitted from several years of adulthood prior to getting pregnant.

If I hadn't married XH so young, I wouldn't have ended up meeting FH and I wouldn't be the person I am today, nor have my DS, but at the same time, I'm not going to encourage others to potentially go down that same path just because I did it.

@Sarah: I absolutely would not have ever been allowed to use an USA Today article for any of my Master's or even undergrad level work, regardless of WHO wrote it. USA Today is not a peer reviewed journal, and therefore shouldn't be considered a reputable source. That said, it's another thing entirely if the author's article is an EXCERPT from an actual peer reviewed journal, in which case I still would have been expected to find the original article and cite THAT, not the USA Today article.

I got married 1.5 months before turning 27, and I still feel young! My hubby is 32, and I'm SO GLAD we waited. I changed so much from 22 to 25 just from leaving college, establishing my career, and really becoming an adult. Wait.

I was married at 19. Young I know

Did I listen to anyone saying don't get married? Nope

Teenagers don't listen well

I became a widow at age 30.

Do I regret getting married so young? Not at all

But I have changed so much since then. Even I see how different I was back then

Yes statistics are stacked against young brides but divorces can happen to anyone

My close friend was married 23 years ... her husband told her one day he wanted a divorce since she bored him now (lovely huh?)

They got married in their late 20s after dating 6 years.

My whole point to my ramblings --You never know what the future holds. Divorce or death can happen to the young brides or older.

I'll be freshly turned 27 and FH will be just about to turn 23 when we marry. Because of the age difference, I knew there would be certain factors that I would probably be ready for before him. I made sure getting married is something he wants to do. I told him several times not to propose if he's unsure or if he feels like there's still more of his single life to live.

Truth is, neither one of us were really big partiers. Neither one of us were really big daters. If I'd married before, the only disservice is that I wouldn't have met and fallen in love with my FH. Otherwise, the 'marrying before you're thirty is like ending the party at 10pm' mentality is the dumbest thing I've heard. Do I believe people should wait until they're older when they're 16-19 and trying to get married? Absolutely. But marrying FH before 30 isn't 'ending the party before 10pm.' To me, it's starting the after party.

Marriage has risks at any age. I understand all of your arguments but in the end people are going to do what they want when they want. Whether it is right or wrong. And it is no ones right to say what is right or wrong for anyone else. You don't know their lives and what their relationships are like besides what they post on here. And that is definitely not enough justification to judge. Let people live their own lives and make their own choices. Let them learn from their own mistakes if they are making them. That's part of growing up and being an adult and being responsible for yourself. Not trying to argue just saying its not any of our right to say what they should and shouldn't do.

@Heather: When they come to a public forum, we absolutely have the right to say or offer any advice we deem fit for the situation, including recommending that they wait.

@FutureMrsW: Yes, divorce can happen at any age, but the point I think everyone has been trying to make is this: why stack the deck against you, when you can stack it in your favor?

FlyingSoon, the reason that you're wrong is that you'll be a completely different person in 3 years. Will you still be with the same person? Maybe. But it's unlikely.

@A.L.C maybe I am completely wrong and in the future I could be totally heart broken but it's a chance I'm willing to take. Even if we did wait I would not be breaking up with him to "experience life".

@Bailey exactly what FH and I do. He's my best friend. I feel awkward without him by my side.

It's really not fair to put blanket statements out there such as "no one should get married before XX age" etc. The point is, make sure you are an adult and mature enough to make this very important, very tough commitment to your partner. You have to work for it at any age.

I don't think there is a magic age. I do think that you need to go out and experience life before getting married and there is a huge difference between maturity and age. I am also a big proponent of living on your own before settling down with someone. You need to learn to live with yourself before you can live with someone else. You need to be able to have your own moments to yourself, too many people that I know have flitted from relationship to relationship, and unfortunately they have never learned how to be at ease with themselves.

@Kelly: Except any 18 year old who decides to get married is just *convinced* they're mature enough to get married, when in reality they typically aren't.

THAT is what people don't seem to get. It's rare for someone that young to be that mature. Very rare. For TWO of these very rare teens to not only find each other but also fall in love and choose to go through with getting married super young (which, being mature, they are much more likely to recognize as a bad choice and delay for that very reason)? There's a minuscule chance.

@Jessie I agree with living on your own and I intended to but unfortunately the circumstances I was in at the time prevented that and FH got me out. But I don't think it has harmed me or our relationship.

I recommend two books by Gary Chapman. "Five Love Languages" and "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married ."

Young or old there needs to be a certain level of maturity within the relationship to make it work. Communications and understanding each others core beliefs is important. You must be able to accept them and not think you can change your partner to fit your needs. They may change but then again, they may not.

I was married at 25 and my ex was 24. We lived together for 3 years before marriage but unfortunately in 2011 my ex had a major mid-life crisis that took him away emotionally from me. Before that, our marriage was strong, happy and fulfilling. Life takes crazy turns and it would not have made a difference is we waited into our 30's to get married. I don't regret marrying him for a moment.

Now that I am in my 50's my relationship with my new husband is totally different. We have great communication with each other and help to keep the other on a stable foundation. There is much love, kindness and respect that comes to this new marriage.

We read the "Five Love Languages" and it was very helpful. I wish I had that book when I was in my first marriage. Who knows, maybe things would have been different. Either way, I am very content and very happy at where my life is and I couldn't be happier than finally living with my new husband.

@MNA I completely understand and agree with what you are saying. I guess I just meant that a marriage is so personal and each situation is different that blanket statements are not going to work for everyone