Older vs. Younger Marriages

@MNA-- that's true and I agree .

It's just an odd subject for me-- I cringe at thinking of one of my teen children one day possibly announcing they want to get married at a very young age. I'd say wait til you're older, see the world first, etc. But on the other side of the coin, if I never got married, they wouldn't be here. The whole thought of that hypothetical conversation makes me want to have a glass of wine

I am also a therapist, and we should all know that there are no hard-and-fast-rules in psychology. So, while I totally agree it is safer to wait, we all know you can't say, "Your marriage will fail if you marry young but will thrive if you wait." We can only say, "Your chances are better if you wait" and we also know young people don't really like shades of gray. Thus it always has been, thus it always will be.

Like other people have stated, there is no such age that should determine when someone should get married. The big thing here is maturity in relationships. People often days are infatuated with the thought of marriage and want a big wedding. They don't understand what follows. Which trust me, I saw a lot of that working at David's Bridal. It's almost disgusting. But you can't tell people they can't get married because of their age. No one is going to listen. The only thing you can do is offer them advice when and if they ask for it. Relationships are all different. People are all different. You can't judge a book by it's cover. There are more 18 year olds that are more mature and have a better head on their shoulders than 30 year olds. It's all determines how a person was raised.

My stance is, no matter what age you need to realize what happens after the big wedding is over. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, it's hard work. I believe also everyone should live with their SO before getting married or even engaged unless its not allowed in your religion. You learn so much about a person behind closed doors. Sleepovers at each other's houses does not cut it. FH and I got in a few different fights when we first moved in together because he does things different than I did and it bugged the hell out of me. You learn to work together more as a team and I think that will strengthen any couple no matter what the age.

I would say to wait.. just because I don't understand the rush to get married. I mean, it's not this end all- be all where sunshine and daisies take over your life. It's just like normal life. So I don't understand waiting to build a firm foundation upon which to build your lives and then getting married? That's what we did and it seems to have gone okay.

ETA: Plus it gives you more time to save up, and who doesn't love that!

Im 19 years old. I got married about a month ago after dating for 4 years. I will admit he and I both changed so much from the time we met to where we are. There are things that changed about him that I don't love but nobody is perfect, his good outweighs any bad, and I'm sure he'd say the same about me! Going into this marriage DH and I were totally aware that the odds would be against us. We knew we would have more things to overcome that other couples may not have. But really it's something we believe we can handle. We have a one year old daughter who is seriously the most amazing little girl. So maybe divorce is in my future or maybe I'll end up with my highschool sweetheart.

@MrsSpenc - If you go through your marriage with the idea that divorce can be part of the endgame, that's not healthy. The years between 19 and 25 are difficult, I hope you are getting your education. FH and I didn't even put marriage on the table until our son was older because there is so much stress involved in the first two years of being a new parent. Good luck to you.

I got married at 18 and wish I had a group like this to tell me not to. It wasn't a bad marriage, I was just too young to know what I really wanted in life or in a spouse. We got divorced when I was 23 and I waited until I was 37 to get married again because I wanted to live and have fun before I settled down again.

As a young first time bride I would suggest waiting...here's why:

I was 18 when I met my first husband, he was "perfect"! He cooked, cleaned, did electrical,plumbing, mechanical, etc. there wasn't much he couldn't do. I swore up and down that he'd never cheat or abuse me; I thought he was perfect and I was lucky. When he proposed 3 months after I met him, I said yes. Not really thinking it would actually happen and that we'd have a long engagement. Flash forward a few months...I find out I was pregnant the day I was supposed to leave for basic training. His mom calls me the day we find out (a Monday) and says "be at my house on Sunday at 2. We have the mayor coming over to be your officiant, find a dress, you're getting married." I didn't get any say whatsoever. My dress was a $90 prom dress I found at jc penny's, my mom made her sandwich spread sandwiches, no alcohol, my wedding cake was from meijers grocery store, (basically all the no-no items),no organization at all!We just kinda stood around talking to everyone until the mayor said "lets get this started". I grabbed my best friend and asked her to stand beside me as we were walking up to the front of the porch. The photographer was a friend of my sister in laws (he gave my fil the rolls of film, he took them to Walmart and all but one roll got destroyed because their machine ate it!). The only cool thing was there was a family of five deer in the backyard. I felt disappointed and cheated out of my wedding but I didn't speak up cause I was raised to listen to my elders.

Flash forward: he left to go to Korea a few weeks after our wedding, came home when our son was 1 year old. Moved me to Kentucky by his base and that's when he changed. He started acting weird about his phone or closing screens on the computer when I walked in. So I snooped. I found dozens of "dating" websites (usmilitarysingles.com, adult friend finder.com, etc.) and he was talking to women on there, even giving his number. I printed it all out, contacted all the women, then confronted him when he got home. Big fight happens (I end up pinned to the floor by my throat and he kept covering my face with a blanket), and my son starts screaming. I told him if he was going to kill me to at least close the door so my son didn't see. He ended up taking my phone and blocking the door (we lived on the second floor and only had one door). He called in sick for a few days, I was trapped. He told me "I'm deploying to Iraq in two weeks, if you leave and I die I'll make sure you never get any help to raise our son". I was so stupid I believed it so I agreed to stay.

Flash forward: after 11 years of being married I finally realized how controlled I was. I had to give him my tips from work and my paycheck and he'd let me keep $20; if I wanted to buy something I had to ask for permission and usually "thank him" with sexual favors; I wasn't allowed to have friends except my best friend (who was my MOH because she told him nothing would stop her from being my friend); if I became friends with coworkers he would friend request them on Facebook and then proceed to say stuff until they hated me; it did not matter if I was sick or in pain-if he wanted sex I had to supply or he'd take it out (mentally or verbally) on me and our son or he'd just rape me; everything was his or he did it; I couldn't do anything right (if I mopped before I did laundry I got screamed at for being an idiot with no common sense); and many more things. When I'd try to leave he'd threaten suicide or somehow talk me into staying. I watched my sister get beaten by her husband so I thought I wasn't being abused cause he only got physical with me a couple of times (usually it was waking me up by grabbing my neck, and forcing me). He was big on double standards, I couldn't be friends with guys but most of his Facebook friends were girls.

I finally had enough of it in 2014, I found pictures of another woman in my house and found out that he was using my money to buy stuff for her and her kids when I couldn't even afford groceries for my son! I was working two jobs (at a gas station Monday-Thursday 6am-4pm and bartending Thursday thru Sunday 5pm to close) yet I barely had money to pay the bills. One day his mom calls and told me to check out a number (we were on their Verizon account). I checked it out and it was this woman who lives in Lima (I'm like the FBI, I can find out anything lol). I couldn't call her cause he had blocked her number from my phone. Anyways, I snuck and made a separate bank account and had my pay from the gas station going there, I contacted a lawyer. Then I confronted him. When I asked why (it took forever to get him to admit it) he said "a man always talks to other women after they have kids because they don't feel attractive anymore", umm hello my body was the one that changed, not yours so try again! So here I am with no one around (except his family, all of mine are in West Virginia and Kentucky and I'm in Ohio) and no where to go. After we finally agree on divorce he became increasingly violent (cops called several times, once by my son, so I moved him in with my mom and made arrangements to follow him after Labor Day-best weekend for tips at the bar and I needed all the money I could get). I met my FH in March of that year and we were just friends, after I moved my son to Kentucky I'd hide at his sils house when my husband would get violent. One day my husband told me if I didn't "give him closure" he'd kill my English bulldog. I was actually in contact with his girlfriend and she begged me not to go to the house cause she was afraid of what he'd do. He had been trying to get us both at the house at the same time. We both refused to go. One week later (August 24, 2014) I get a text from his dad saying to get to the house, that my husband had hung himself. Based off of the video he made while he was hanging and the text messages he had sent, we do not believe he meant to die. Evidence suggests he was doing it to get one of us to stay and got his timing off because the cop that showed up (you can hear the police pull up in the video, he ends it and sends it to his girlfriend), the cop, instead of the big burly men that usually came, was a 5ft tall less than 100lbs woman and she couldn't get him down. They said if it had been someone else who could get him down then he'd have made it.

Now, that being said: DO NOT MARRY AT A YOUNG AGE!!!! Wait, if you are truly in love and meant to be then just dating for a few years won't change it! Make sure you truly KNOW each other! Don't be surprised like I was. My "perfect" husband (who was great to everyone except me and our son-I found out after he died several things he did to my son, including leaving him alone to go to his girlfriends house when our son was 8!), turned into a monster. It took me a year before I could sleep without my arm curled around my neck. Please please please, take my story into consideration when deciding to get married at a young age. I know it's not the case for everyone but it's a chance you shouldn't be willing to take.

Sorry so long but wanted to let younger brides see the bad things that can happen.

I see things a bit differently because there isn't as much pressure up here to get married. I think that if I didn't see things as permanent, I would just keep going as common-law instead of going through the whole getting married.

@Elphaba I agree with you wholeheartedly. I married at 21 and divorced at 29. If it wasn't for my ex I wouldn't have my handsome 16 year old son. My ex was actually a great guy we were just better at being friends and to this day are still great friends. At 29 I met my youngest sons father and never married him only because I didn't want to. We spent 10 years of hell together. He was an addict and was mentally and physically abusive until I beat the hell out of him for choking me. It took for him to cheat on me for me to kick him out of my home. He died 4 1/2 years ago of a drug overdose leaving my son without a father.

I am now 44 almost 45 and I am marrying again (which I said I'd never do). The man I am marrying has never married and has 2 teenage daughters that I adore. I wouldn't change all the craziness I went through because it shaped me into being a great mom to my kids as well as FH's kids. I am very independent and love life more than ever.

Young bride here just turned 20! Yes, (LOTS of) people tell me to wait. I've heard it all, FH and I have been together for 3 years now. We each have our own circle of friends and live life separately. He is six and a half hours away, I know I can live without him, I've had to for over a year now. Im choosing to grow with him, together. We aren't going into marriage thinking it will be easy and all fun in game, we will struggle and go though hard times. We will go through the ups and downs that's apart of it.

Marriage can end in divorce at any age, people can choose to grow together or grow apart. Beating50 is a really good blog about not being the 50% that go through divorce.

While I tend to agree with you - I do have to point out that many of our grandparents were married young and made it through. Granted, times were different, and women tended to "put up" with a lot more, but you can tell when older couples are in love and have been for 50+ years. Yes, people grow and change a lot between 18-25 but that doesn't mean that you always grow and change apart.

Opinions are assholes. Everyone has one.

I'll be 26 when I get married so I consider myself at an average marrying age. I've been with FH since I was 18 and I knew I wanted to marry him. I knew he was the one. But I sure am glad we waited. I'm a completely different person than I was 7 years ago. I think it's important to have a firm grasp of who you are before you make a promise to love and cherish someone else forever.