Officiant - Friend or Vendor?

I can tell you, when you are ten years down the road, and find out that your "friend" who did the ceremony knew nothing about the LEGALITIES of what to do after the big day.... and you find out there was no paperwork filed, and you're not legally married.... you might regret that decision. I know that from a very dear friend to whom it happened!!

IF, and that's a big IF they figure out how to do the ceremony, IF they include the legal pieces, IF they speak clearly and deliver a decent ceremony, and IF they file the paperwork correctly,... you might be OK. But seriously, this is the ONLY legal portion of your day. Do you really want to leave it up to your college drinking buddy??

Just because you can read a manual on brain surgery doesn't mean I want you cutting into my skull. There is a reason we spend years in seminary, being trained to do what we do. And while your ceremony (and 99% of everyone else's in reality) is only a short and sweet ceremony, it should still reflect the two of you, what's important to you, and your personalities, delivered by someone who is a professional speaker.

We're having FH's aunt officiate and are 100% confident in her abilities. We're on our 3rd iteration of the ceremony script and will probably tweak it a couple more times before the wedding. She's EXTREMELY capable and experienced in the ins and out as she's assisted her late deacon husband with a ton of weddings before he passed. She's done everything but officiate because...the Catholic Church. She's now ordained which is exciting all around.

Because of her experience, my planning, and her close relationship to FH, there is no one else alive we would have officiate for us. UO but to me this can be a very personal decision. Main takeaway is don't take it lightly and don't brush it off as something anybody can do. Being a good officiant whether professional or amateur takes a special type of person. No matter which way you go, choose wisely. Just like any other field, not all pros are competent or even a good fit for you. ETA:words are tough this morning...

I think it can go very well or not well. That's what makes it so hard! At the end of the day, I know with a friend you just have to accept how it turns out whether you are paying them or not so that's why I stay away from it

Yes, friendors are a bad idea because if something gets messed up there goes the friendship. Officiating is so much more than showing up and saying the words, as Rev. Judith (and Celia pointed out).

One thing that hasn't been brought up that usually is, is that your friends and family should be able to sit and enjpy the ceremony and be present with you on that day. Not stressed out and working.

I hired a professional (found through WW vendor search) and it was one of the best decisions I made. She was extremely helpful, professional, thoughtful and caring. From our first meeting, she felt like a close friend. She was there to help put on my veil and calm my nerves and was one of the last people there with us at the end of the night.

I would go with a professional just for the peace of mind that they know what they are doing and that all legalities are properly taken care of. If you have someone who would be comfortable doing this and will put enough time and effort into making your ceremony perfect, then get a friend. I would definitely get an officiant if you have any question about if a friend or family member will get the ceremony finished and deliver it well to you and your guests.

FH and I were originally thinking of having a friend do our ceremony. After spending three months here, for all of the reasons stated on this thread and numerous other threads, I told him last night that we should definitely hire a pro. It's the most important part of our wedding day. We need it done right, beautifully and legally. Especially legally. I really don't want to roll the dice on that part of it! Based on the research I've done getting quotes on cost, plus what's been said on WW generally, your officiant is going to be the least expensive, or one of the least expensive, of your vendors. I didn't catch you mentioning whether cost is a factor (if you did, I apologize), but I don't think this is a place to try to cut costs. It won't save you that much money, and to me, the peace of mind is worth ten times what officiants have quoted me so far!

Your friendor may do fine -- if the stars align and nothing goes wrong.

An experienced pro can deal with forgotten license, forgotten rings, fainting wedding party -- not batting an eye, keeping everyone calm, and not letting the guests know there is a problem.

I once had a couple show up without a marriage license. No, they hadn't forgotten it -- they had not gone to the courthouse -- even though the planner and I had both told them they needed to get a FL marriage license. That meant that, on the fly, I had to switch from a wedding ceremony to a commitment ceremony. As I read the ceremony, I had to omit 'husband, wife, marriage' and substitute 'partner, union, etc.' Then on Monday, I met them at the courthouse and made it legal.

My grandmother did ours.

She is a huge part of my life and has really bonded with my husband.

It was special and sweet. I agree that it's not the right choice for everyone but it was for us.

Zero regrets.

(Our ceremony was in a place where you can opt to have it so that when you both sign the marriage certificate it's legal)

My brother got officiated online and I wrote the (10 minute or less) ceremony. It was perfect for us.

I think it's up to you guys and the person you have in mind. Sit down all together and talk it out. If you're truly comfortable with your friend, and vice versa, I think it'd be really lovely rather than have a pro you don't know.

Steffany, I'd be skeptical that you were even legally married. There is no such thing as "got officiated online." And if he did, did he include all the legally required elements of your day? Did he file all the proper paperwork? Considering you don't even know what he did or did not do online, the answers to the above are all sketchy to me.

My uncle is doing my wedding but he is a minister.

I do laugh hysterically at these posts with the "legal requirements"

Get license, within state time limit.

Sign license.

Mail in license.

If you can't handle that, you shouldn't be married, or need a pro to do it.....

There are a lot of legit arguments if you want to make them, but "You might not know to send in the license" should not be one of them.

@ Emma (and others) Here is something to ponder. The process that a great officiant will go through with you will pretty much guarantee that they know you well by the time you write the ceremony together. More importantly? Because of their expertise, they know what to say about you and how to structure your script so it's touching and enlightening to those listening. That anecdote about how you fell off your bike in middle school? Yes, it proves that they know you, but it might not be the most useful chunk of text to be incorporated in your script.

Your officiant should ask you specific questions about your relationship that help them write about you. Your best friend probably won't think to do that, simply because they're not trained to do that kind of digging. Very often their ceremonies will sound like a toast, which is nice, but not what a ceremony is about.

Check with the laws in your state as I believe it wouldn't be a valid marriage in some. You also have to think about what would happen if you moved to another state, country, etc. Would it be a valid marriage? Just make sure you know all the laws about it.

@Celcia Milton, I agree completely! Our Officiant even cracked jokes about how we met, etc.. We were told by many that they had tears in their eyes! We hired a pro.

Yeah, M. It's always that simple....

Not. There are mistakes made in the clerk's office, mistakes made on the couples' part, mistakes made by inexperienced officiants ALL THE TIME.

And your cousin doesn't know how to fix that, nor do they have the rapport with the clerks that can make that process smooth.

I'm glad you're laughing. Because it's not so funny when your friendor doesn't file the license, doesn't add enough postage, waits longer than they are allowed, or puts the wrong town on it (I was at a venue just last weekend that has two legal location, neither of which is their mailing address.), or hasn't bothered to register ( in NYC for instance). It's not all that funny when your internet ordained officiant isn't really considered legal by your state. Not every state or every county thinks that the Universal Church of What The Fuck is legal, and after the fact? Good luck with that.

I am well acquainted with your distain for, well, lots of things, and it is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, but in this case, you really don't have the authority to weigh in on the legalities of every state; and guess what...neither do I. But I don't pretend to.

We hired a pro. We did an 8-week program with him (similar to premarital counseling) where he got to know us on a very deep level. Probably better than many of our friends. When he delivered our ceremony draft, it was absolutely perfect.

I can distinctly remember anecdotes from brides on this forum where their family member who officiated changed the language without clearance. Meaning they got a religious or slightly sexist (bride serving groom) ceremony when that isn't what they wanted. That would be my worst wedding nightmare. I had a close friend offer to officiate. Instead, I asked him to do a reading at our ceremony. He still gets to speak and I get a pro officiant.

I thought you were going to ignore me. Damn.

Disdain*

My personal experience was that it was pretty hard to fuck it up, and we had zero issues in doing it ourselves, which was a 2 step process.

I'm allowed to think it's a little funny that people are able to get mortgages and passports but can't handle fixing an issue with their marriage license.