Officiant - Friend or Vendor?

We are thinking about having a friend do ours. He did another friends wedding a couple months ago and did great. I do not think they will feel put out if you ask.

Oh, just wanted to add that even though my uncle did my brother's, he won't be doing our ceremony if I decide not to hire someone. I'm actually more interested in having my friend of many years do it, but FH has family members who can too.

I just think it's a lot of pressure to put on someone that doesn't do it regularly.

If they officiate weddings all the time, then sure! But when I was a bridesmaid in one, the aunt was officiating and was physically shaking. Everyone was talking about how beautiful it was and the aunt couldn't wait to get inside for some booze.

I just think you should let people enjoy your day and leave it to a professional

Because they are professionals? Because they can talk you off the ledge when you don't know where to put the sand or how to fix a screwed up license or how to put the processional together? Because a ceremony that is cobbled together from chunks of internet prose is not a personal ceremony? Because you don't want them to flake at the last minute ?

A pro knows how to structure the ceremony so it has a flow, so it's delivered beautifully, so that it expresses what you want it to express in a way that feels like they've known you forever (I'd say that is one of the most frequent comments in my reviews...) Honestly? I've had relatives come up to me and tell me even they learned things about the couple they didn't know. By the time we do a ceremony with a couple? We DO know them, but we also know our stuff, and that is far more important.

They can orchestrate the beginning of the day so that it's smooth, calm and legal. We won't wear weird clothes that all attention to ourselves rather than you (which, honestly, a relative/officiant does simply by being that. It becomes a topic of conversation.....) And obviously, since this isn't our first (and possibly only) ceremony, we'll have the confidence to really start your day off well...if you choose well.

I know this seems like an easy place to save money, and to inject personality into the ceremony, but neither one of those may be true. While anyone can go online and find ceremonies, that's not the only part of the deal. This is why even though I'm a writer, I don't write legal briefs or manuals for toasters. Even though I'm a performer, I don't sing or tapdance. This is all I do.

And it shows.

And yes, I hear the clomping of hooves..."My brother did mine and it was great." Sometimes it is, but very often it's not. I don't want to sound overly arrogant about this but there is a gravity to this work that escapes some couples. They simply think anyone can do this and it'll be just fine. Very often it's not. And by the time you know that, it's too late.

My FH's dad is doing ours, but he's a minister. I think it's up to the person though. If they feel comfortable doing it then I think it's great.

Unless your friend/family member is actually an experienced professional (i.e., your friend is a minister who regularly does weddings as part of his job) leave it to the pros.

Okay, point taken. I think I made it clear that I was unsure about it in my original post, so there's no need for the snark. Sheesh. I hope you don't treat your clients that way.

I see no snark. You asked a question. I answered it with the truth I've got at my disposal. I thought I was being helpful. Go figure.

My clients, about 1300 of them at this point, appear to be pretty happy.

Yea unless your friends/family have experience doing this, I would hire a pro. Our officiant is one of our best friends and she's done beautiful ceremonies before. After one of them a pro officiant even asked if she wanted to join her team. If we didn't have her, we would have hired a pro.

2ndtime, no need for the passive aggressiveness. The only person that has responded that has clients, is Celia. So if you'd like to express your opinion about something she said, you should do so directly. But slipping your last sentence in there isn't needed.

Keep in mind that Celia does this for a living. She gets the phone calls one week before the event from the bride who had Uncle Bobby bail on her. She hears the stories of brides saying "at my cousins wedding, Aunt Martha spoke so softly, no one heard her" and "Uncle Joey was so nervous that he forgot a huge part of the ceremony" "Uncle Pete didn't file my marriage license, what do I do?"

So naturally, she is going to have a lot more to say on the subject than the average person. That shouldn't be a surprise. Her response came from years of experience and I don't think any of it was meant to be snarky, just honest and direct. Please hang around and get to know Celia and you'll learn that she's passionate and opinionated, but honest and one of the most helpful people on here.

Snark = starting your post with faux questions, which indicates condescension.

But the rest of the post was quite helpful, yes, so thank you for that. I am also a writer and a performer, but I know squat about officiating, so I have to do more research about finding one. I guess I would much rather have a friend screw up the ceremony than a stranger, but perhaps that is an irrational fear.

If the person is a good writer and can speak publicly and has experience doing so then why not go for it. You aren't asking someone to be your counselor! Just make sure the person isn't feeling pressured.

My good friend is doing ours but he is a Rabbi and does it all the time. I hired him, yes we have a contract, because I know he will do a beautiful ceremony.

2ndtime, just do your due diligence in your officiant search and you will find someone you are comfortable with. We actually met with more officiants than any other vendor. I just didn't like any of them and the ceremony was a really important part of the day that I didn't want to trust with just anyone. We met with people are were visibly sexist, ones that nervous giggled after everything they said, ones that just seemed really unorganized, and ones that were OKAY, but we just didn't click with.

It's a daunting task, but I would at least interview a few officiants before you make a decision. I'm confident that you will find one you trust with professionalism that will knock your socks off.

We're asking a friend to officiate. We've done our homework, we know the pros and cons, and we will be 100% clear to said friend that there's no pressure for him to accept. I also won't be discussing that aspect of our wedding on here because I know it's an unpopular decision for this board.

My grandfather officiated my first wedding, and it was a lovely experience. If he weren't fading mentally, I would ask him again in a heartbeat.

If you think Celia was snarky, good thing I'm not an officiant, you'd really not like my answer. You went too far attacking her character as far as how she does business and treats her clients, especially given all she shares here. I really think you should apologize. You got the answer you asked for, you didn't want to hear the answer.

Back on track....the weddings I work, the ones with a memorable officiant, it's a memorable ceremony, and worth hiring a good one.

Thanks, Orchids--that's a good point. I guess I should have realized that it would be an unpopular opinion here. I'm new, so I am still trying to figure out how to behave properly here. Obviously I haven't gotten there yet because I've already been admonished for my passive aggressive behavior.

I wouldn't have asked the question if I didn't want an honest answer, truly. I am still not sure what I will do but am now seriously considering hiring someone, and I appreciate Celia's response.

We are thinking of having a friend do ours. He has been doing it for his friends, family, and clients for over 20 years. He had never charged anyone because he loves doing it. It gives him great joy to be a part of a couple's love story. He has done everything from small intimate weddings of 20 to elaborate weddings with hundreds of people. Although he does not do this for money, I feel pretty safe with it. I was also to a wedding recently where they had a close friend get ordained just to marry them. He was happy and comfortable to do it, and told the most touching stories about the couple that got everyone crying and laughing. I think it really depends on the person you choose. Make sure it is someone with public speaking experience who is excited to do it for you.

I say friend if you trust them why not it makes it more personable

A good friend of mine is officiating ours. She's done a few before and they turned out beautifully. I know a pro would be the right Choice but she's we've known each other for most of our lives and I trust her. We've met with her to tell her what we want and been communicating back and forth, so I believe it'll work for us.