NWR: splitting holidays between families

I totally understand where you're coming from but there comes a point where you and FH have to stand your ground and say "this is what we're doing, sorry if you don't like it". She can't dictate your life. You do what you and FH want to do, she'll have to deal because it's not her decision to make.

H and I have to split between 3 families. We do Christmas Eve day with his family, then church & dinner with them, then late Christmas Eve night with mine (just a couple of hours), then Christmas morning with mine, then Christmas Day (afternoon) with my dad's family. Then the next day we go to Iowa with H's family to visit his grandparents. Needless to say, it's craziness. And next year we'll have a 6 month old in the mix, so that'll be awesome.

If anyone tried to dictate this for us, I'd lose my mind. This is the plan that works for us, so this is what we're doing. If you don't like it, we'll happily skip over you. I think you're being more than generous. I wouldn't want to go all of Christmas Eve & Day without seeing my family once. If family is close enough, I think that's what's fair.

It's so frustrating. She did the same thing for FH birthday. We had just moved into our new house and I was planning a really nice homemade dinner for us and she freaked out because "I haven't been here in 3 years for my sons birthday so I'm spending it with him". Well again, you chose to be in Florida for the last 3 years. Nobody made that choice for you. So i made dinner for FH and i on his birthday and we all went to dinner the next day. I don't think she understands that FH and I are our own family now and that we can do our own thing. I'm not even sure how to word that correctly but she thinks she needs to be involved in everything and she doesn't. Also, instead of asking to be invited to things she just tells us she's coming. I find that so frustrating.

Why is she so damn clingy? Inviting herself to events and throwing hissy fits like this on a regular basis isn't okay. FH needs to step up and set some boundaries with her. To keep from causing you guys to go insane, he needs to tell her that she needs to show some respect to your privacy and your relationship by giving you guys your space.

Yes! Clingy! She seriously treats FH like he is a baby. No lie. "tell your mommy you love her" "give your mommy a hug". Blah blah blah. Swear to god those are the words that come out of her mouth any time she sees FH. ITS SO WEIRD! She's like a child. FH has told her many times but she still doesn't get it. He gets to the point where he just won't answer her texts or phone calls for weeks and then she blows my phone up asking why he won't talk to her. Well because you're crazy! Lol! I just don't get it. I talk to my mom about it sometimes and my mom is just like what in the world is actually wrong with her?

I would stay at home and have my own xmas if anyone acted like that. You're a family and can make your own traditions.

Do what you want

Sorry, I don't mean to be mean about her, I deal with her nonsense and drama on a daily basis, but today I'm extra annoyed by the text she sent me last night so I wanted to make sure my compromise was fair for everyone. Ugh. And I know I can vent here!

Your FMIL sounds like a lot of work. Good for you for standing your ground. FH and I always split holidays since one family usually does lunch and the other dinner.

I feel as if you're trying to be fair and splitting the days up as best as you can. She's being pretty selfish, imo. What are you supposed to do while she's working on chistmas day? Sit around and wait for her? That's silly.

We do the same thing. Christmas eve with my family (it's been a tradition my entire life) and then Christmas day we split between our families.

Splitting holidays is hard. The first year DH and I dated, we spent every holiday with his family. Finally after he agreed to spend thanksgiving there, I told him, fine but we had to spend Christmas with mine. His mother cried and cried when she found out. Even though we spent the weekend before with them. (our families live 3 hours apart) We finally alternate holidays, but we still get grief about it sometimes, but we just stand our ground on the schedule.

My FH and I go through this with his mother all the time. Her and FH's father are very upset we won't be there thanksgiving day, but we will be there the Saturday after. I work thanksgiving and black Friday so we can't go there (they live 3 hours away from us) she sends me texts and makes FH feel bad whenever they don't get their way. Mind you we have 3 families to visit every holiday. My parents are split up so it makes it even more difficult.

You just have to put your foot down. It's too hard to juggle everyone. My parents are divorced and so is FH parents plus FH has kids that we only see every other weekend because they don't live close. So we do Thanksgiving with my Mom on Thursday and have another one at our house Saturday with some from my Dads side and FH family. We always do Christmas with FH family the weekend before Christmas. This year I'm having to do Christmas with my Mom on Christmas Eve (missing out on spending it with all my cousins for the second time in my entire life) Christmas Day with Dad. We'll do Christmas with the kids on the same weekend we do FH family. Ugh!! Complicated!! You cannot please everyone. Either have a big Christmas at your house and invite everyone or FMIL will just have to deal with it.

Sounds like you just need to black hole her communications, ignore her demands, not give in, and leave her on her own this year to throw her fit. When she can behave like an adult, you will revisit it, but until then, she is in time out.

You need to stop this NOW. If you guys have kids, it will only get a million times worse. DF and I have a strict policy on Christmas: we will be staying home. It is a family holiday for us to be together and he kids to enjoy their presents. Period. If grandparents want to visit, fine, but if not, their loss.

Thanksgiving is similar. We have discussed once we are living together, we will host at our hose for whoever wants to come, but we will not be going anywhere on Thanksgiving day. If others want to celebrate before or after, great, but we will be making and maintaining our own traditions whether people like it or not.

My fh & i do christmas eve day with his dad family & christmas eve night with my mom & family. Christmas day we split between 4 houses & we make it work

All of this becomes much more difficult when children enter the picture. Christmas is a holiday that really is about children, and what I found, when my children were younger, is that I didn't care what gift wrapped boxes were piled next to me -- what I loved was experiencing Christmas through the eyes of my children.

The way we did it was fair (although in hindsight, I should have stayed home and told them all to come to my house, lol). Christmas Eve was spent at his family's house. My parents had no interest in Christmas Eve, and we liked the idea of celebrating Christmas Eve while enjoying a wonderful dinner, cocktails, a gorgeous tree, and the annual screening of, "It's a Wonderful Life". The next morning, the kids would get up early, open their gifts from us, dress up, and head to my husband's family's house. That's when we'd enjoy a great brunch, open gifts, take pictures, etc. By 3:00 PM, we headed over to my parents' home. They were more relaxed than my in-laws, and that's where the best adult party was, a great Christmas dinner, tons of presents for my kids and their cousins, etc. It really worked for us.

My daughter is the divorced mother of an incredible seven year old. She's friendly with her son's father, and her ex-husband's parents and other children treat her (and her son) with total respect and love. They are of Italian descent, and for them, Christmas Eve is the big deal. They do a massive dinner (with lots of seafood) and plenty of Italian dishes. When I'm on line at TJ Maxx buying those last minute gifts on Christmas Eve, my grandson's paternal grandmother is setting her Christmas table and listening to Christmas carols on cable television. After dinners, all of the gifts are opened at midnight. Christmas Day, for them, is a kind of open house situation. Friends, neighbors, and local family members stop by throughout the day, exchange small gifts, eat apps, enjoy a drink...whatever. This works out perfectly because our side of the family is all about Christmas Day.

My grandson opens his gifts at home -- mom's home, where he lives 90% of the time -- has breakfast, and then we head to whomever is hosting our entire family on Christmas Day (and sometimes, it's her). Once we get there, we enjoy apps and drinks, and we either eat our huge Christmas dinner immediately before or immediately after the gift giving. By the time it's December 26, everyone has enjoyed Christmas -- with each other and with my grandson.

The way to approach the holidays is simple -- it's all about equity. If one family prefers Christmas Eve, then that's the celebration to attend on December 24. If the other family prefers Christmas Day, then that's the celebration to attend on December 25. Nobody gets two bites at the apple, and, if for some reason, both families want both days, it's only fair to alternate between Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas. It is all SO workable.

What's really important to remember is that Christmas, in the long run, is a collection of wonderful, sweet, family-centric memories. Will a 40 year old really care if the Christmas spirit enveloped him on December 24th or 25th some 15 years ago? No, of course not. What stays in the heart is the vision and the feeling, not the date on the calendar.

Tell those who are complicating the holidays that what matters is the season, not the numbers 24, 25, or 26.

@MNA, I freaking love you. That is amazing. My late aunt used to say that people could get glad in the same britches they got mad in. I love it!

Well that's what happens when you get in a relationship, engaged or married lol and trust me my mom had her share of not understanding. We split up the days to make everyone happy and please our families. Christmas Eve with my FH family,cousins it's a huge thing in their family Christmas Day and New Year's Eve is with our family. Thanksgiving is whoever invites us first since we have large families lol

@Crescent: So did my grandma, Memie. I got a lot of great phrases from her.

I think the plan y'all made sounds fair. We're doing something similar. It's tricky to split your time on holidays, but I think it's the best option instead of spending all of your time with just one side each year.

You guys are all awesome! She always makes me feel like I'm the problem but this is an issue I knew I wasn't wrong about. That's part of a relationship: two families, two holidays, time split between both. I would have everyone together at my house but my family CANNOT stand her (can you see why?!).That's just how it is. She's so greedy and always wants everyone to herself so that's where the problem stems from. We have two families and she needs to accept that the world doesn't revolve around her anymore. I really think she thought she was going to get me to just give into her and I think I shocked her by speaking back for once and putting my foot down.