NWR: splitting holidays between families

Hey Markie,

I am a family therapist and would like to point out that, to a large extent SHE is makingerself miserable. I'm really sorry she wouldn't be adult and say, "Sounds like you'll be busy-- thanks for finding time to spend with me!" that doesn't mean you did it wrong. As others have suggested, this is likely to get worse when you have kids and now she's pining for her grandkids, so practice standing firm, now, and it'll be easier then. Try, "We're really sorry you're so upset. We're looking forward to seeing you."

@zoe I know she's extremely miserable and unhappy and she try's to make everyone else feel the same. It's really sad. She has her family here also (her parents) so she won't be alone for any part of the holidays like she's making it seem. It's just sad that if she doesn't get her way she actually throws a fit. There's been several instances since we got engaged that have been less than exciting because of her. I bought my dress and she didn't talk to me for a week and cried for days because I didn't invite her to go shopping. I took just my mom because I thought it would be much more personal that way but FMIL made it all about her because she wasn't invited. She still has yet to say "congrats I'm so happy you found a dress". It's just unfortunate that that's how she is. I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy.

You and FH need to determine what YOU guys want to do and tell your families what it's going to be. This is always going to be an issue since everybody is always going to want you to be with them. I would have FH lay down the law with her.

P.S. we're doing something similar to you!

Our families are about 1.5 hours apart. I'm extremely close with my family, and FH is "kinda" close with his. He understands how important spending time with my family is to me, so he's very accommodating. We usually split our time, but thanksgiving dinner (about 1pm) is always with my mom, then we head to his family later for dessert. Christmas Eve we usually go to my aunts, then his uncles. Christmas Day we used to split time with my mom in the morning and his family for dinner but last year was our sons first Christmas, so we had both families over for Christmas morning brunch. It worked out great! Then everyone left and we had the day to spend together. Think that will be the new tradition from now on.

Agreed with most here - you're absolutely doing the right thing.

Tell her to chill the fuck out. She's upset that SHE has to work on Christmas and is taking it out on everyone else.

If others can figure out how to split holidays with families in different states, surely she can get a grip and be happy the families are only 15 minutes apart!

Also, for me, it doesn't matter so much that I'm not celebrating with one side of the family on the actual day. Having "Christmas" with my family the weekend before/after doesn't make it any less special. Maybe suggest this to her. Since she works Christmas day, and you're doing your family Christmas Eve, what day would she like to celebrate instead?

Ultimately it's what works for you and FH. My FH and I have to split our Christmas between 4-5 households depending on which parts of his family spend it together or apart. We do a little bouncing around but usually do Christmas Eve afternoon with my parents, Christmas Eve dinner with his mom, and stay with my parents. Then early Christmas morning with his dad and young half brother, coffee with his mom and grandma, breakfast and presents with my family, and then lunch and afternoon with the other groups until everyone is done. It's not our favorite but it works for us. We have it lucky that each family member only lives about 10 minutes away.

Thanksgiving is where we are getting experimental, with combining some of his family in with my family's night before thanksgiving dinner.

Basically, you can't make everyone happy but you can make yourself happy. Do what works for you and if that's bouncing around great - if it's splitting by day, great. But don't let them decide for you because that won't make anyone happy.

We split the day. It's your choice. I suggest you just continue on with your plans and don't let her guilt you into anything.

FH and I do the same thing.. We were actually just talking about Thanksgiving today, and we are planning on splitting the day between his family and mine. We spend Christmas Eve day and night with my fam, wake up on Christmas morning at my house, because my brother is only 15 so we still get up relatively early. We go over to his parents house around 10:30, or 11 and spend the day there. It just has to be what it is. People are going to complain about it, but you just have to let it go. When we have kids though I'm not sure what we will do..

@shortstack your Christmas drama sounds all too familiar..

also "we do not negotiate with emotional terrorists" is my new mantra.

Our parents live 45 mins apart and we each have a sister that lives 5 hours away (his just moved 11/1). We are spending christmas eve day with his family, christmas eve night alone (because they're weird and all split up after presents) and christmas day with my family.. this year.

You're lucky everyone lives so close together. My in laws live 500 miles away and my parents about 60 miles. We do something different every year, and it often involved (pre-marriage) H and I being different places. Now that we're married we'll try to avoid splitting up for the holidays.

When I was a kid we spent Christmas Eve with one set of grandparents, opened presents at home, then Christmas Day with the other grandparents. My in laws live a couple hours away from where they grew up. So once they had kids, they refused to travel for holidays. They had all holidays at their place and invited anyone who wanted to come. If grandparents wanted to see the grandkids, they would be the ones to drive. By the time FH was in college and I came into the picture, my in laws were spending every holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) with their best friends (who have kids the same ages as H and SILs). Their families adapted to this and host parties at various times after Christmas, so that's when we get to see H's cousins and aunts and uncles.

If your parents live 15 minutes from each other, it would be stupid to not spend time with both of them. DH and I grew up 5 minutes from each other and we will always do both. For every holiday. Luckily my family has always done Christmas Eve as Christmas and his family always does Christmas Day.

You are not wrong at all. If this is what you and FH have decided that that is that! Stand your ground and don't let her bully you or you will be dealing with it for the rest of forever!

Splitting the day can be hard but nothing wrong with it. Do what you feel most comfortable with. We always do FH mom's side in the afternoon, then my parents, then his dad's side. We feel it's most fair to both our families and us with us not having to choose one over the other.

I think that sounds totally fair. DH's mom and my parents live 30 minutes apart in Florida, and have had thanksgiving all together every year since we met, so it makes things much easier.

Christmas eve day with my grandparents, Christmas eve evening/night with his family, Christmas day at my moms. His parents/family dont start celebrating until 6ish pm and open gifts at midnight so its never an issue with it.

Hell, when my parents were in the middle of their divorce, and my dad gad me for Christmas, my mom would just have Christmas eve with my sister when I came back, even if it was the 28th or so. How or when you spend the days dont matter. Its being with family. Shes being childish.

That sucks. We do every other year for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas morning/day with my family.

I think you're splitting the time as fairly as possible!!! Just tell FMIL that you are doing what you can to make it even for both families and those are the plans and that's the end of it!

You seem to be pretty fair with being with both sides of the families. Yes she is hurt, but her son is an adult now and can't force him to be with mommy.

You have to continue to be strong together and do what you 2 think is best.

FH and I take turns for Thanksgiving,last year was with his fam, this year it's with mine. Xmas day we always go to his family, and we have our own with my son xmas night.

It's really what you two decide, you are getting married, this is your family, kids or not, you have each other to think about now.

Splitting it is a good idea. If they lived far apart it would be understandable to do a different family each year but with them living close there is no sense in not doing both. Just let her fuss.

ETA: words