NWR: Co-parenting, step-parents, step children...I need to vent

Would just come home & suck up going to the daycare but he says no. Ugh! He says he keeps getting in trouble from his stepmom, she yells & turns the tv off & makes him & his siblings take a nap. Now my first reaction was "nobody yells at my baby!" but then I'm like if he needs to be disciplined there I guess it's ok for her to do it if his dad is not home. This whole thing has just not been easy. And then I can't talk to his dad to see what the issue is bcuz he is a complete jerk to me! I want this co-parenting thing to be easy but he won't even communicate with me most times. This is stressing me out! I can't wait until this summer is over!

As a step parent, this sounds alot like my step daughter. Do you talk to the step mother? Sometimes that helps understand what's going on. And he may be a tad jealous that his siblings are in a house with their mom and dad and he's not. Hope it gets better

I'm sorry your going through this I can definitely understand your pain. Going through a similar situation. I pray it all works itself out and everyone can be on one accord. The only advice I will try to give you is to make sure that your son is not playing the cards to where if he gets in trouble at one parents house he wants to go back to the other's. My kids do that if I discipline them then they want daddy and vice versa. My FH kids do that all too well and it aggravates me to my core! It's like they fell they can get away with murder and because I'm not their mother when I correct them they want mommy because she lets them do what ever and it causes friction between FH and I and makes me look evil, when in fact if I don't let my kids get away with certain things why would I let yours? I am also trying this method with my own kids and their father. If they are in trouble at my house then when you pick them up the same rules should apply vice versa to show unity in parenting/cont,

Discipline but that's not always the case. In other words everyone needs to have the same house hold rules and the child/children need to understand that just because you don't get your way with one parent you don't try to get over on the other parent.

The relationship between a step parent and step child can be really delicate. Divorce can be really really difficult on kids. I have 4 step siblings and saw a lot of what went on with custody / court issue. (My Dad passed away so no divorce there but still was in a blended family). At 8, it's hard to get your son to communicate well I'm sure but I'd sit down and talk to him about what's going on and make sure he knows he can be completely honest and isn't going to get in trouble. I'd also try talking to his Step-Mom rather than your ex-husband and get her side of things. If you and her can have a working relationship it will be very very beneficial to your son as he grows older. Understand why and how she disciplined and explain to your son that even though the rules might be a little different at his Dad's he need to respect his step-Mom. Also make sure your son understand he can either be at Dad's or daycare. If a whole week away from your is too long at this age work out...

...a shorter stay so your son can start to better adjust.

I know its hard, but it doesn't sound like he is in a concentration camp or anything, I mean turning off the TV and having to take a nap isn't the worst punishment in the world. It's just an adjustment, you will get through it. He has to learn that everyone isn't mommy and he has to follow the rules in both of his parent's house.

As a future step-parent, I am sorry to hear that the communication between you and his father isn't what it should be. I am very fortunate that my fiance and his ex now have a very amicable relationship and are able to co-parent in a way that minimizes - not eliminates! - bumps along the way. Honestly, regardless of how he feels about you, your son's father should be respectful and willing to communicate with you.

That said, if my fiance wasn't around and it was just me and her, I have free reign to discipline/correct her behavior as needed. In my circumstance this is rare to be honest, and so far I have not had to do anything major in this department, but my step-daughter loves her Mom, and my fiance has done a wonderful job bringing me into the picture for both his daughter and his ex-wife. His ex knows that I'm going to be part of her daughter's life now too and we know we are all on the same team with daughter, even though the ex and I don't communicate directly too often

@Riki - absolutely agree. My son has to do this when he switches between his house and my parents house. My parents used to co-parent with me since I was single, in my early 20s and in school/working full time, making it harder for them to adjust to the grandparent role vs the parent role.

I have sat down with my parents after we bought our house and said these are his rules at home & these are the consequences. I asked them to respect the rules that were significant (ex - I'm super strict on bedtime & his snacking habits & afterschool activities) and they have worked very hard to follow those "rules/consequences" and then they sort of do what they feel is appropriate for the other situations.

Maybe a civil discussion with your ex and his wife would work - that way you can all decide on which rules/consequences you want followed and they can express the same to you.

Communication is key and confirm w/ stepmom that he isn't trying to avoid punishments and following their rules

Thank you ladies so much!!! This was all great advice!! The stepmom & I get along pretty well for the most part. Sometimes I would rather talk to her than his dad but I didn't want her to think I was coming at her or the way she disciplines. I did explain to my child that he has to listen to the rules in that house the same way he listens at home. But I also believe he is playing both sides as you said Destiny! Which is why I stopped myself from going to get him today. There was a time he got in trouble at home (before my FH came along & it was just me & him) & he was crying saying he wanted to live with his dad! I bet he changed that tune now that he sees what it's really like at daddy's house...you gotta follow rules there too buddy. I don't mind the stepmom discipling him if she's only doing what he said. He's just gonna have to deal with it or come home & go to daycare as you said Shannon!

From a "divorced kid" perspective...I really feel like he is playing both of you against each other. You need to communicate with either the step mother or the dad. I highly suggest email if you three can't communicate in person. In my opinion it looks like he is playing into your guilt. You need to remember kids push boundaries and once they sense weakness...they pounce. I think it would be very beneficial for him to have the same rules and consequences at the different houses. I would also suggest that if he is punished (say no tv for a week) at one house, if he switches houses that punishment needs to stand until the time period is over. That way he can't bounce back and forth to avoid consequences. Good Luck!!

I have come to realize that majority of all kids in blended houses do this. It's just like trying to get the best of both worlds in the disciplinary aspect. And can cause the child to have favoritism to one set of parents.

Thanks Jennifer! I'm sure that is exactly what he is doing! He knows mommy will come to get her baby quick! I have to stand my ground here though. I refuse to be manipulated by an almost 8 year old. I agree about the same consequences as well. I am going to have stepchildren as well so I'm trying to think about it from all perspectives.

@Jennifer -- YES! My stepdaughter is also 8, so right around the same age as @Shaquaya's .... She is sharp and boy o boy does she know how to be manipulative. I caught on quickly to that because her mom and dad are both aware and try to keep in check. But she gets away with it with my in-laws probably 98% of the time. She totally plays into the "well you only get to see me twice a week (or whatever it is)" guilt. It is frustrating and scary! She's so young to know how to do stuff like that. We have to nip that right in the bud and that's where being on teh same page with everyone (mom, dad, step-mom and step-dad) come into play.

As a child from a step-parent who didn't like me, I would just ask your ex straight up what is going on.

My step-mom used to tell my dad that I wouldn't listen to her and I was a brat and that I had no respect for her but really, she would drag me to all these places never ask what I would want to do, would tell me to do something and if I didn't do it her way I was dumb and my favorite line growing up was well my kids used to do this or my kids did it this way, and she needs to do it like this because my kids...

It could be they don't get along, and she is mean to him and as I got older I hated being around her (I lived with my dad 100% of the time so I had to where else to go)

I would talk to your son if he truly hates being around her then tell him you will come get him but he really has no choice and has to go to his aunts for the rest of summer before schools starts.

@IrishLove I did ask him is she mean, he said no, I asked does she hit you, he said no, I asked well what does she do, he said she yells at us, turns the tv off & makes us take a nap bcuz we were wrestling & we're not supposed to...well there ya have it kid! I just sent his dad a text, he said he's the one telling them to take a nap when they can't get along & she does make them turn the tv off until after they've done their chores...sounds reasonable to me.

Then yeah it just sounds like he doesn't like to get in trouble at one parents house so he wants to get away to the other because he's not in trouble there. LOL kids are very smart! Who would have thought?

Yes Destiny that little brain of theirs works wonders lol...glad I'm catching on to his little butt though! Smh he's something else...then my mom goes "aww now he's crying", Don't fall for it mom!!!!

LOL grandparents are the worst! My mom does that too so protective especially with the step parent thing. She's always inquiring if FH is treating my kids correct and not showing favoritism between mines and his. I love that she is protective but I'm like come on I would nip that in the butt!

Yes, she drives me crazy with that!! It can be quite over-bearing. There have been times when she tried to over-ride my decision with him, I'm like oh no lady let me handle this bcuz if he gets out of control you will want no parts!