not a bridesmaid… what is the expectation?

Well. first. many here will remind you the only obligation of the bridesmaid is to show up in the selected dress and be alongside the bride. Maybe she and her partner have plans that just don't allow much for groomsmen and bridesmaids. It might be nice if she shares that. (Sometimes it is too crazy trying to decide who will be the bridesmaids and then also then MOH. Does she want to avoid that?)

Anyhow, the other things she mentions are optional too. On the other hand, you might still enjoy many of these activities with her. It may be easier to turn down stuff if this is not as a bridesmaid, but you maybe would still do it as a bestie.

Something like a bachelorette makes more sense and is easier to do if there are several bridesmaids -- and the organizing of this is still optional even for a MOH. So, just try to be a friend and hopefully things will work out happily for both of you.

The bridal shower, as an example, has sort of a priority of who might host it:

Who Throws the Bridal Shower? Here Are All of the Options. (weddingwire.com)

If there are no bridesmaids, this shows that friends might host the party.

If you are not a bridesmaid, you are a guest. A lot of women have said they said they actually prefer being a guest. You just show up at the ceremony venue 15-30 minutes beforehand to get a seat. Then go to the reception and enjoy yourself afterwards.



The other activities are basically getting together with the bride however is most convenient (in person, FaceTime, phone call/text, etc) and and carrying those out. Having a local bachelorette will be less stress and less money.
Planning is the responsibility of the fiance along with the bride. It’s not your responsibility to participate in that. Dress shopping doesn’t make sense if you are not a bridesmaid.
Just show up and have fun. Grab coffee or lunch while you’re out together.

Ask her what her expectations are. I did something similar with my friends. We don’t have a formal bridal party but if we did these girls would be on my side. My best friend asked me flat out like what that means and what I wanted from them and I told them all I wanted to have a bachelorette and for them to just come and have a good time. You should just ask her what she expects.

I think those activities are different levels of awkwardness to request. I’m sure she and her fiancé have reasons for deciding not to have a wedding party, so this is probably just her way of making sure you feel included on some of those fun things that you get to do with your girlies while wedding planning. Like others have said, you shouldn’t feel obligated at all to participate, especially where money is involved. But if you always imagined helping your bestie try on dresses and she’s giving you the opportunity to be involved, then might as well. Some of my friends have offered to come with me even though they’re not in my bridal party just because it sounds like fun and they want to help. But asking you to plan the bachelorette is very different. And is she expecting you to pay for your hair and makeup then? That I think is crossing more of a line.

Planning is the job of the couple. You are not an unpaid wedding planner, whether you're a bridesmaid or not.


She shouldn't have asked you to plan the Bach, bridesmaid or not. She should have let someone volunteer on their own, if any. There is a heightened expectation for bridesmaid to plan and throw such parties.
Going dress shopping is open to anyone the bride wants to invite, but there is no obligation for you to go, bridesmaid or not. Being a bridesmaid would have increased the expectation that you go.
Are you also getting hair and makeup done or are you supposed to keep her company and wait on her while she gets pampered? Who is paying for your hair and makeup? Generally guests don't get professional hair and makeup.
Even if you were a bridesmaid, ALL of this would be asking a lot of you. May be time to ask for clarification and set boundaries if need be. She's expecting all the work of a bridal party (and more on top of that) without giving you the actual honor.

I don't really think it's appropriate for her to ask and expect these things from you, however if she is your best friend I think it would be nice to still celebrate her in some way.

My best friend/MOH is getting married in January. They are doing a very small ceremony with just immediate family and a reception dinner to follow with close friends and family. Because of this they are not doing a bridal party. However, she did SO MUCH for me for my wedding, shower, and bachelorette party. Just because I'm not in the bridal party doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be celebrated. So I volunteered to plan her a bachelorette party and I even offered to get hair and makeup done with her if that's something she wants.

So I don't think there's a "role" you need to fill. But I think if she is your best friend and you want to celebrate her then offer to do certain things within your means. Maybe take her out for mani/pedis the day or 2 before. Or plan a girls night out for a bachelorette party. You don't have to break the bank for it, but just treat her a little bit.

I only have 2 bridesmaids and have asked 1 to be MOH although, i personally see them both has MOH but it kinda defeats the object if i officially labelled them both MOH.
i ask them if they want to do certain things with and for me. i dont expect them to, i wont be offended if they said no. but i think theyre usually happy to if theyre able, mainly because they're my best friends, not because they feel obligated.
i might be biased because im the bride in this situation, but i think its important to not take the MOH thing to heart and just be as supportive as you would be if you were MOH.
dont not do it just beacuse you wanted the title, if you really dont want to or cant, thats fine, just explain to her. x

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I totally agree with Willow on this one!

Hey:

It sucks she didn't ask you to be her maid of honor but it's ok, don't let that stop you from being a good friend and the support that she needs I would say get your nails and stuff like that done with her but any big parties is up to the maid of honor/bridal party. She should understand that and if not maybe have that conversation with her.