“No Pay, No Say” has backfired a little bit – Slight Rant

Consider yourself lucky...I agree that it sux that they only offer to pay only when it comes to something that they want that is against your will. My FFIL just gave me a list of 37 people, none of which his son knows. To top it off, he also says that the immediate family needs a separate limo. It's not that we wouldn't consider it but, to not even be ashamed of asking for such expenses is ridiculous. Oh, and they also think we absolutely HAVE to have a rehearsal dinner. I think I'm going to end up caving in, and for free.. maybe you should call their bluff.

I would be pissed off. I hope it works out for the best. I hope you don't cave. I am having an intimate wedding and FH and I made it very clear to our families who we wanted there. Good luck

Its your day, stick to what you want. And you are totally right, how can she offer money for other guest to attend but not offer to pay for anything.

@surfer, I agree that it would make a difference for weddings that are under 100 people. OP said that the count would be 160 with the added 30 people. To me, 130 vs. 160 isn't a battle I'd want to fight. Even more importantly, I wouldn't want to offend H's grandparents or parents. That part, for me, is the most important part. I'd let them invite their peeps. Other brides wouldn't. That's what make WW interesting.

OP, let us know what you decide.

I would calculate the amount that each person would cost and then present it your family in law. If they are willing to pay the exact price of each person, then why not. I'm pretty sure they won't pay once they see that number. They probably don't realize all the linguistics it will take to accommodate those 30 people " that have to be there." The way me and my FH worked out was that I told him that any extra people who chose would have to come a later time.

We had the "no pay, no say" rule also, which also bit me in the ass. When people offered to pay, I simply told them the truth. It was our party and therefore, our guest list. We did allow the best man to invite two of his friends, neither of which showed up at the last minute - hence we paid for their dinners. Grrrr.

There have been a lot of strong opinions on this! FH and I are still discussing the issue. We're handling it as a team, but neither of us wants to start the marriage off on the wrong foot with his family. At the same time, however, I'm afraid if we cave in this situation it'll set a precedence for the rest of the planning process. I'll let you know what we end up deciding! Thank you all for your thoughts!

I have been in a similar situation when I first started planning my wedding, my side of the family is small and we only invited about 40 people my In Laws invited 145 people and said about 20% will decline. I picked my date almost 2 years ago and booked the venue last September, and I picked that venue because the venue I originally wanted could only hold 80 guests and we were obv inviting a lot more than that, well turns out my FH cousin decided to have her wedding the same day ina different state and my FMIL requested I change my date because she wanted to go to the other wedding as well. I might like to mention at this point that my parents have 100% paid for the whole wedding my in laws have contributed nothing. After a big huge argument I decided to not change the date because not only is the date special, I would also lose all of my money. The suffrage from this: only 110 people have RSVP'd and the minimum was 150 so I still have to pay for the 40 guests who will not be attending.

My advice: do what you want but any decision you make obv has a consequence, which one can you live with?

If you do decide to let them come, be sure you add in EVERYTHING that extra people will mean. Food, drinks, a larger cake, more tables so therefore more tablecloths and centerpieces, more favors if you are doing them, more everything. Then tell them that amount. You shouldn't have to pay anything extra for people you don't really want to invite. And even then be really sure you want to go ahead with it and put a firm cap on how many extra you can allow. If you are allowing them to add in X number additional guests, that's it. No more after that.

Honestly, IMO not only can this situation set a tone/precedence for the rest of planning it can do so for your relationship with them in the future as well. In your shoes I wouldn't want to make them angry but I also wouldn't want them to think they could run our lives.

Don't forget the cost per person doesn't just mean the cost of their meal!! Its an increased cost for ALL your paper products (STD, invitations, programs, menus...), increased cost for cake, increased cost for transportation if you are providing a shuttle for guests, increased cost for favors, increased cost for centerpieces, table settings, linens, etc. because that many people will be at least 3 tables, increased cost for rentals (chairs, tables) for ceremony and reception.... that's a lot to factor in.

I would say no.. it is not her wedding and those people are not necessarily all that close to you. Plus what if they change their mind later and decide they want to add in 30 more people? I would say no.

Stick to your guns and only have the people you want at your wedding. I'm sure you'd rather spend the whole time with family and friends versus "hi nice to meet you"s for a portion of the time. Especially since your paying. And if she were to get you to bend on this who knows where she'll stop?

I'm not sure I understand why everyone is getting so angry at the idea of your FMIL or FFIL giving you money to cover the expense of their requested guests. My MIL asked us to invite her 5 life long best friends. She said she was already planning on gifting us some money to help with the wedding but since we are adding her closest friends as a personal favor to her, she would be happy to include extra to help cover the added expense of including them. I would have been happy to invite people that were so important to my MIL anyway and viewed her contribution as a gift. I suppose 30 people may be different but I come from a huge family so I couldn't imagine inviting all my gazillion cousins, 2nd cousins, step cousins, you name it... To begin with. Every situation is different so it depends on what is most important to you and how important it is to your FMIL.

I do agree that weddings are family events and somewhat of a reunion ...

However , I also agree it is very rude of them to not want to help with the wedding until the guests were brought up. Kinda similar to my sisters' in laws , who want to invite all of their "friends " that my sister or her FH don't even know. They said "we'll pay for these extra guests " as well. Only diff is my sister caved in and is letting it happen ...but of course she's all about the gifts , and doesn't realize they are pushing other thoughts about the wedding (which is happening ). So yeah , I do agree that if you cave in to this there might be more "stuff" next ...

Can you compromise? Maybe ask for her list and then you and FH can discuss which of those people he'd be okay with. I hate to say that but I feel like your FMIL is going to hold a grudge if you don't at least appease her somehow. You have plenty of time to hold off and tell her before invites go out, which could cut back on the "where does it stop?" mentality.

I'm probably in the minority (I only read the first few responses). I wouldn't care. If they're paying for it, it would make no difference to me who's sitting in the back of room. I'd figure that the inlaws went to weddings of their friends' kids, gave gifts, and would like the gift giving reciprocated. Plus, if having their friends around makes the wedding more fun for them, great.

Like I said, I'm probably in the minority. My parents invited their friends I barely knew (granted, they paid for the whole ball of wax) and so did my inlaws (and FWIW, they all gave generous gifts). I really didn't care. If you do, it's a different story.

@Centerpiece Same. Total, we probably have 30-ish guests that are my parents friends or my FILs friends. I don't mind because they keep in touch with all of them, but like you said..my parents are also helping contribute. I don't think our parents would enjoy the wedding as much if it was just a bunch of 20-somethings that they didn't really know...so they got invites.

I've said it before but I have to say it again as it's one of my pet peeves. I don't know why some parents see their children's wedding as a show. It's about the couple getting married and the people they are closest too, it's not supposed to be a family reunion or a gathering for your parents friends that you've never met before. I say stand your ground, if only for the reason that 30 people will likely change the vibe of your wedding. Do you really want to spend a chunk of your night saying hi to 30 people you have either never met or hardly know since you haven't seen them in 20 years?

Personally, I think it's a numbers game.

Say you're inviting 200 of your own guests, and the in laws want to invite 30 (and pay the real PP price of 30) - they'll still be in the minority of your guests and it wouldn't be a huge deal to compromise by allowing them, but capping it so they don't then try to add more the same way.

But if your guest list is 60 and they're wanting to invite 30 guests. That's a different situation. A good and notable chunk of folk there will be folk neither of you are close to.

Your list looks big enough that these additions probably wouldn't be a massive chunk - especially if they're not all likely to attend. Perhaps sit down with the in laws and propose the real cost PP to them with a cap at 30 (invited, not attending). Either they'll pay, and UP TO 30 folk will actually attend from their list. Or they'll decide the cost is too much and not invite anyone/invite way less.

Either way, you come across as reasonable and willing to compromise and they appear to have gotten their way but it's still under conditions set out by you and your FH.