“No Pay, No Say” has backfired a little bit – Slight Rant

“We’ll pay for these people. How much is it per person?” We tried blaming it on the venue, saying it couldn’t accommodate that many more people (which was a lie – the venue holds 400 and the addition of these people would bring the list up to about 160; my coordinator said she’d stick up for whatever number I wanted to tell my FMIL). FH’s grandfather’s response? “Pick a different venue.” Um. No. #1 To tell the bride and groom to change the venue is wrong and rude – especially when they’re the ones paying and they’ve already put a down payment on it. #2 Is it just me or is it really selfish to say you’ll ONLY fork over money so you can get what you want; that you’ll ONLY pay for the people YOU want to attend rather than help out the bride and groom? If you want to help, then the help is appreciated, but this seems a bit twisted. They seem to have taken the “No Pay, No Say” and really run with it: i.e. “We’ll ONLY pay for these people because we want to have a say in their attendance.” FH and I don’t want these people to come because we don’t really know them, but his family cannot see the issue. We wanted a smaller wedding where we’d recognize everyone. These are people whom FH has not seen in at least 20 years and they have not made a single attempt to contact him. Needless to say, I’ve never met them. This is starting an all-out war and FH is beginning to get worn down. He’s at the point where he’s looking at it from a very gift-grabby point of view: “We’re not paying for them, so what have we got to lose? We’ll be in the green when we get gifts from them. More people coming means more gifts.” Ugh.

Do we cave? I’ve heard of weddings where families contribute funds to help pay for the wedding in and then they get a say (which I agree with), but to be so specific as to wanting an exact dollar amount of the cost of the guests they want and contributing ONLY that amount seems odd and self-serving to me. We haven’t accepted their money yet or agreed to anything. It works out to be like $150.00 per person, so I’m wondering if they’ll even want to pay that much. Part of me wants to refuse out of spite because they think it’s okay to tell us to change our venue when, as of yet, they have contributed nothing.

Just another thing stressing me out today...

Do you think these people will actually come? If not, it might be much easier on you to send invites and compromise with FILs. I totally understand not wanting a ton of strangers there though. I sort of had this fight with my ILs over inviting FIL's entire office.

Have you/FH just straight up told them " we just never visioned having people at our wedding whom haven't been around in 20 years and i have never met" ? that seems like its your only option at this point.

eta: i totally get why you dont want to invite them, i really wanted to keep my wedding small. having my FMIL want to add her 10 cousins was pretty annoying to me (but i invited them anyway).

If they're offering to pay for 30 people if they come i don't see the huge issue. Worse case scenario all 30 come and they give you money? I'm a little confused.

Stick to your guns. They're essentially bullying you at this rate, and if you don't know these people don't cave.

It matters that the people you and FH care about are there, not his parents, or yours.

We flat out told his parents that we would consider their input but that we will make the final decision on the guest list. I think you have to decide if it's worth the fight about it with his family and how important it is to have the small guest list you wanted. Make the decision together and stick to it.

If you cave, you have to figure out the real PP cost, not just the food. 30 people would be at least 3 extra tables that will need 3 extra centerpieces, possibly rentals if not included, etc.

Also, if I added 30 people, I would need another bartender, which has a service fee and then tipping on top of that.

30 people is considerable. When does it end? Will they pay for extra cake? Extra favors? Will they want a different menu for the people they "paid for"? Different tablecloths, centerpieces, etc.? And then what if they want to add 20 more? Stop it now or they will walk all over you.

I always think its weird when people only agree to pay a per person amount to invite their personal friends. This isn't their party and when people do that it seems to imply that they literally only care about making sure their people are there. I wouldn't agree to anything until you have a check in hand for the cost. If it looks like most of these people won't come, maybe bite the bullet and allow it. Otherwise, stick to your guns.

Also, am I only the only person who considers immediate family mom, dad, siblings? Aunts, uncles and first cousins are not immediate family.

How many people are you inviting to your wedding? The pro is you can make sure the charge per person is inclusive of EVERYTHING- $60 for food, $3 for ceremony chairs, that's 4 extra tables ($1.50), with 4 extra centerpieces ($1.50), with extra cake ($2)... and inflate it a little bit, make sure they realize the full cost of adding 30 people

ETA- i think granny offering to pay for another 30 family members being called a bully is a stretch

Stick to your guns. As Elyse said, it's not just the food; it's the centerpieces, the service fee, the invites.

No way.

That's also more invitations, more stamps, more alcohol if you have an open bar, more cake, more favors if you have favors not just food. When people say they will pay for the additional people they don't these other things into consideration.

I'm in a similar position and I caved. Our FH's must be twins because he hit me with the same reasoning. At the end of the day it wasn't worth the fight for me. But my guest list started out larger than yours so I understand if you hold your ground. It's still early for you so I think you should ask yourself if it's worth the next 10 months of additional stress.

NO way. Stick to your guns. Just tell them (or he needs to) that this is your wedding, not theirs. These people haven't been around for 20 years, and you only want to spend the day with people that you know and are close to.

Definetly calculate all of the extra costs per person and show that to them, they may decide they don't want to pay it after all.

I would be very frustrated, and honestly a little hurt by this too. To me, it would say that they had no interest in helping you in the first place, but they do have interest in inviting other people to your wedding.

If they won't budge and you feel too much pressure to say no:

Add up the total cost pp. Invitations, favors, meals, cake, thank you cards, STDs, etc.... Present that number to them and tell them that when you have the cash in hand, you will add their people to the guest list.

You have a whole year to go. If you cave on this they will push for more. Stick to your guns.

Yeah, don't cave on this at all. Not their wedding. Agree with everyone about the additional costs (stamps, invites, favors, tables, centerpieces....everything).

Also, I caved and let my inlaws invite a few extra people because they would just DIE if someone wasn't invited. Most of those people couldn't even send back their RSVP card. So, we were days before our numbers were due, waiting on people we had 0 ways of contacting since we didn't actually know them, and dear, clueless MIL didn't see what the big deal was. "leave a space and if they come, they come" and all that crap.

It'll just leave to bigger headaches. Tell them that you appreciate their excitement, but the guest list is closed.

Edit: the people who couldn't even RSVP obviously did not send a gift.

Also, are you expected to extend the invitation for plus ones to those people ? That can bump the number up. If this random person on that list has a bf or gf , you'd be expected to invite them also

Don't cave and have the smaller --where you know everyone-- wedding you want. We wanted a very intimate wedding and my mother offered to pay for it with the addition of people I just didn't want. I'm lucky that my mother has let me do whatever I want with the wedding planning, but I really wish we were having the wedding we started out planning. I'm very grateful to her and my wedding will be nice, but it's been stressful and a bigger pain that what I had intended.