“No Pay, No Say” has backfired a little bit – Slight Rant

I'm honestly going through the same thing right now. Not as far as being asked to change the venue, but minus my dress, we have so far paid for everything.

Now both parents have a list of people that neither of us even know (friends, not family) and are willing to contribute if they can have these people there. And I might sound like a brat, but they don't want to help us pay for say...uncles, my grandmother, aunts, actual family, but they will fork over a couple thousand to invite their friends to have a fun night out at our wedding who half of them either we never met, or only met a couple of times and would barely pick their face out in a line up.

I'm allowing it to a point (like the friends that have been friends for decades) but half of the people we need to invite because "We were invited to their kids wedding." Okay? We weren't invited to that wedding last year? But it is kind of disheartening when people seem to only want to contribute if it's for their own motivations and not because they genuinely want to help.

I feel you. I got in a huge heated argument with my mother over her wanting to invite people I have not met or haven't seen since I was 5 years old. I want my wedding day to be shared with people I care about, not strangers.

Don't back down, girl!

Everyone has given great advice! And I'm with you on thinking this is weird. How can you not be hurt when they didn't offer to contribute to your wedding, but they are offering to fork over a hunk of cash to make sure that other people are invited? Can you point that out to them?

The $150 per person includes food, chairs, extra tables/centerpieces, and accounts for invites and such. We can probably inflate it a little bit more to be on the safe side. I really don't think they have any idea what it costs to host a wedding today. The last family wedding took place more than 20 years ago.

I agree that - if we do decide to cave - we shouldn't do so until we have cash-in-hand. FH thinks it's getting petty, but I would rather be safe than sorry. What happens if they go, "Oops, sorry, we don't have the funds," when it comes time to pay the balance for the wedding?

It kills me that they think these second and third cousins are "immediate family." My parents and siblings, and FH's parents and siblings are the immediate family. The way FH's family states it, we should expect these people to come if we invite them, so it's not like we can just invite them to appease the family and expect declines. They have flat out said this is a family event and should be treated like a family reunion.

We do feel a bit bullied about this - especially when we were told to change the venue if it couldn't accommodate the people they wanted to bring.

I compromised and allowed 8 of MIL's friends from high school, which she paid for. But as you said its not just about the money - I don't know these people. One of them sent me an engagement gift and on the card it said "Can't wait to meet you at the wedding." IMO these are words that should never be said together in a sentence lol.

But that was 8. 30 is way too many.

It's not just about money; it's about ambiance. Weddings with 200 unrelated people have a different vibe than weddings where everyone is connected in some way....

How about, "We don't know these people and do not want them at our wedding. If you would like to see them or if you'd like for us to meet them, we suggest throwing a separate party and inviting them. We would be happy to attend."

I can see your point of view, but, I think of weddings as one of those times to play catch up and see family we have not saw in a while.

Your FMIL may be one of those who view YOUR wedding as that moment. I know, I know, she can plan a family reunion, but, she just may be in that mindset and it seems at this point, she may not budge.

You and FH just have to figure out what battles you are going to stand firm on, and what you are willing to negotiate. Have you tried asking her why she wants to invite them? Did Cousin Susy call up your FMIL and they have some old rivalry and Cousin Susy's daughter had a outlandish wedding that they invited your FMIL too at some point in the past and now your FMIL wants to invite her and show off how awesome your wedding will be. People are weird. They have odd reasons for so much of what they do when it comes to "big occasions".

Hope you and FH can figure out what to do, and put on an united front and get it resolved.

Good luck!

I had a similar situation. My maternal side is Mexican and they invite EVERYONE. Like, we literally consider 2nd and 3rd cousins close family. Making matters worse, our wedding will be in Mexico so they would all come if invited. I made it clear to my mom from the start that I wanted the wedding to be small, very small. She was opposed and gave me her long list of people and told me to consider putting some on the "b" list. She even said she would pay for them which I didn't like because it felt like I would be nickel and diming her, which made me uncomfortable. I said I would think about it which I did!

So I came up with a list of parameters- aunts and uncles, cousins, great aunts and uncles (my grandparents have passed away so they are like grandparents) PLUS each of our mothers could invite 6 people of their choosing. This actually went really well when I told her because she felt like it was fair and clear. She didn't like it, but she said she respected our decision and happily went off to decide who her 6 people would be. I even told her she could blame me when extended family asked why they weren't invited. And I told her not to worry about paying for her people, I would pay, but if she wanted to contribute she could contribute with music or flowers or whatever she felt like planning.

I feel bad for what you're going through but if you and your FH want an intimate occasion surrounded by people who love you, then adding these extras you've never met and FH hasn't seen in 20 years is going to change your vision. I get that you want everyone happy but your wedding is about you and FH. Do it your way and don't cave to the pressure.

I'd probably cave... considering that my mom and I let my gramma add 40 people to the guest list and we've been giving out invitations like candy....

I don't think you're being ridiculous. I do think you might be overreacting a bit... have you been saying "no pay, no say" to your FILs? That might be the reason why you are hearing the "well we'll pay for the people we want to invite" because they're trying to tell you how important these people are to them (even if they're not that important to your FH and you). I don't like that you lied about the venue though, but I understand why you did.

Don't cave....you don't need 30 extra people at your wedding. Stick you your guns on this one.

It sounds like you really don't want to invite those extra people and so I think you should hold your ground and say no more. If they still give you a hard time mention what pp have said, its not just the cost of food but the cost of extra invites, feeds at the venue, cake vendor and caterer. 30 people is a huge extra cost. I love your "No Say, No Pay" rule but be careful because it can come back and bite you in the bottom. This is a perfect example of that. Now they think that if they fork over the money then you will say yes because of this rule.

I would say I wouldn't cave, but thats a lot easier said than done considering I'm not in your situation. It really comes down to how much you want to appease your in-laws.

What I would do is tell them that you need $4500 to cover them and that you will send them an invite once you have a check for that in your hand. You can tell them, that some of it might be refundable if they decline, but another part is not. I would be surprised if they actually wanted to pay that much if they did not offer to contribute to the wedding before.

Btw, did you make sure that the $150 per person also includes added alcohol? And maybe an extra waiter because you will have more people? If not, add that to the estimate before you tell them.

I would not be surprised if they back down pretty fast.

WOW...30 extra people, so sorry. But that's my whole wedding. lol I would pad the pp fee say $195 per guest that's $5850 to have them there. They may not want that bill and feel bad that you guys are paying for all of it now that they can see the numbers of reality. If they don't know your budget, they will now at the padded rate. I would also suggest to FMIL that maybe a reunion would be a better fit, and that you would be thrilled to help plain a FAMILY event, while iterating this information I would include that your wedding is your celebration of LOVE to her son, not for a family reunion, in the end of the day, it is your & your FH day hold it dearly, this is one event you do not want to regret.

I haven't read other comments yet and in general I do agree with the "no pay, no say" rule but here's what I'm wondering first: why are you turning this into a power play between you and your husband's family?

They are willing to pay for extra people so why not just say yes? Grin and bear it, and here's why: they obviously have a different sense of "family" than you do. In families like that, blood relatives often get invitations even when nobody's seen each other in many years (or ever) because that's how "family" works for them. This is the family you're marrying into. Additionally, they are pushy enough to call your bluff and tell you to find another venue. They aren't going to let this one go.

You can win this battle but you'll lose the war--in the form of a bad relationship with his family (particularly the FMIL) and possibly in the future with FH. Weddings are remembered for many years to come. These are the memories you're making with his family -- why not let his mom have what she wants? You're marrying her son. Let her win this one.

I'd give in. Not a battle I'd be willing to fight.

Am I the only one that feels offended by all those families that suddenly come up with funds to cover somebody distant to you that they really have to have in the wedding, but they did not feel like contributing before? Not that anybody has to contribute to your wedding of course, but that they are willing to give you money for virtual strangers to you, but not help out to cover closer family and friends?

It's a control issue. You are saying no to what they want and the seeming objection is cost. So they eliminate the objection by offering to pay. It has nothing to do with money. It's control.

@LivelyBride- i totally disagree with you, she does not need to cave in, it would be one thing if it was 10 people (i let my FMIL have that one) but with inviting an additional 30 people if they all go that changes the whole ambiance of the wedding. i really hate that there are people at my wedding that i have only met one or two times and if it weren't for my FSIL getting married before us i would not have met them till the wedding. 30 people is a minimum of 3 additional tables. for my wedding 30 people would be 1/3 of my entire guest list, that is not how i want to spend my wedding night meeting people for the first time and making small talk because i dont know them, that would make me extremely uncomfortable.