No gift from my parents... Not sure what to think

Cont - gave nothing. She brings it up in every conversation with DH (they speak every few days). The last time he even had to start defending my parents and listing their good traits so that she'd stop being so negative about them. It's making me feel very awkward, and to be honest I'm feeling a bit ashamed of my family right now. I don't really know how to clear the air...

The only time my parents brought up the topic of gifts was a few days ago when my mum asked what my uncle had given us - she wanted to ensure that he had given us a monetary gift because my parents had given my cousin a large gift a few years ago.... It sounded like she was keeping score or something.

I guess I feel a bit resentful towards my family right now, and I'm not entirely sure how to get it off my mind. Any advice?

I'm really sorry. I can understand why you'd be hurt. You might want to say something to your mom or dad, whichever one you are closest too. I think it will eat you up if you don't.

As for your FMIL it is none zero zip nada of her business what goes on between you and your parents and either you or preferably your husband needs to tell her to shut it.

Did your parents help pay for the wedding? I'm not expecting anything from my parents because they are helping to pay for a little bit of the wedding

I agree with the above poster. Your FMIL really shouldn't even know that at all! Lie if you have to but definitely get her off that topic and talk to your parents if it is bothering you that much.

1. It's not your MILs business.

2. Gifts aren't expected, but it's your parents. It's not unreasonable or selfish to expect some kind of gift from them. Soooo very strange.

I know how it feels to be ashamed of parents in this sort of case - mine (who are very well off) have given us nothing towards the wedding whilst FH's parents gave us £2000 to help pay for it. I know his parents will be annoyed if they find this out as they did ask what my parents were contributing (wanting to match it I think).

The thing is though, I would never discuss numbers with either side as it's just not a good thing to do and won't make anybody happy. The fact that my parents haven't contributed is between me, FH and them, even though I also think it's unfair to allow FH's parents to contribute when mine haven't (but we can't afford to pay it back!)

From the sounds of it your situation is a little strange, especially as your parents have given generous gifts to your cousin and were checking up on gifts received in return. Did they help you pay for the wedding and see that as your gift? Or maybe there was a card that got lost? How you bring that up in conversation I don't know, other than doing something like saying "I was standing our cards up on the mantlepiece yesterday and couldn't find yours..." and seeing what the reaction is...

@Rebekkah - my mum paid for a couple of bottles of sparkling wine for a toast after the ceremony.. but only because she insisted on inviting a few extra people to the ceremony (which I was against as I thought it was rude considering they weren't going to the dinner afterwards) and she wanted to give them something. It wasn't a gift to us, and maybe would have been about 2% of the total wedding cost. I did wonder if she considered that as a gift to us, but then decided that no, she would have said something if that was meant to be a gift.

But yeah, my MIL needs to shut it about certain topics... which my husband has told her (nicely) several times. We can't change her (rather nosey) personality though.

How did you mil find out?? I actually dont expect anything from my fmil. her and her husbandare flying to cleveland from new mexico. and we are paying for one of their tickets so they can both come. (this is my biggest expense!!!) but I know fh wants them there so we have no choice.

I think it's really strange but personally, I wouldn't think much into it anymore, and MIL needs to shut her trap about it. It's none of her concern or business. Sounds like she's keep score also with what she and your FIL gave in comparison to what your parents have not given yet or will not give at all.

My Dad paid for 80% of the wedding and my Mom helped out with a lot of last minute expenses that we didn't calculate (extra wine/beer), so I'm not expecting anything more from either of them.

I would honestly try to move past it because I can't see a conversation like this going over very well, but ultimately, MIL needs to butt out.

Maybe they just forgot? Or did they pay for some of the wedding items? That would have been the gift. But if they were very involved in the wedding, they probably just got overwhelmed last minute and forgot.

My mom does the same thing with "keeping score" with what she gave other people and expecting the same or more in return, and it's obnoxious.

You should try to clear the air as soon as possible. Now that you guys are married, more than likely you guys will be spending holidays, birthdays & special occasions together. You don't want this to become an "elephant in the room" situation. Make peace of it and have your hubby shut down the topic with his parents. Also, you should talk to your mother about it and move on. Don't dwell on it.

@Jemma - yeah I agree about not discussing numbers, which is why I refused to tell my mum how much my uncle (her brother) had given us. My MIL only found out because she was in our apartment going through wedding cards (which I didn't think was an issue) and asked my husband where my parents cards are... he innocently said "oh they haven't given us anything yet" without realising that she'd make such an issue out of it.

I understand why you feel upset and hurt, I would be too in that situation, especially if she then asked what others gave you without giving a gift herself.

My gift from my parents is the reception, so I do not expect anything beyond that and I wouldn't want them to even try to give me anything else. If they did the same for you, I could understand but it just seems strange to me that they wouldn't even give a card.

I totally understand where you are coming from and it's okay to be hurt. I would at least expect a card as well. It always nice to have your parent(s) acknowledge such a huge milestone in their child's life.

My MIL gifted us $5,000 towards our wedding while my father hasn't given us anything, but I am okay with that. The way that I look at it, my father provided for me (and my brother) beyond what any single father should ever have to do. I will never, ever ask him for any money nor expect that he contribute to our wedding in any way. I owe him for being an amazing man, he doesn't owe me. FH doesn't see it that way. He feels as though my father should give us some sort of financial contribution towards the wedding because he knows he has the money. I know that he has told his mother about it because they'll ask. I just keep telling them that my father doesn't owe me anything, nor would I ever ask him for money. My MIL also needs to mind her own business and my FH needs to accept that my father doesn't own me anything.

@Erin - if you read my reply above to Jemma, it was an innocent comment that my husband didn't realise would cause a problem. My parents don't know what my in-laws gave.

Yes, it is weird and a little sad that your parents didn't give you anything, but reading this story, I am *way* more mad at how your MIL is acting!! GRRRRR!!! The gracious thing would be for her to pretend that she doesn't even know they haven't given you anything!

PS-- did I miss your back and married post?? :/ I want to see pictures!!

@ Barbara, yeah now that I think about it (and having read all the above replies) I probably should be more annoyed at my MIL than anything. My parents probably have their reasons for not getting us a gift (most likely nothing malicious), but my MIL should really stay out of it...

Anyway, back and married post is here: https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/back-and-married-pics/b08590c3a0b3a562.html :-)

I am extremely bothered by how your MIL is acting- seriously, she is being a huge biotch and needs to just shut it. She is acting as though her gift was given only to show off to your parents or something rather than to be what a gift is intended to be... a GIFT. So rude and weird.

I would be extremely hurt if I were you as well. It sounds like you and your hubby paid for everything for you wedding (minus the champagne that was necessary because your mom invited some extra guests). Me and FH are the same- we are paying for everything, and that is how we wanted it. Call me rude/ selfish- whatever- but I certainly believe my parents will be getting us a gift. Saying gifts aren't "expected" from guests is completely true, but from your PARENTS? Come on. I don't buy that. My parents get me a present on my birthday and on Christmas. They got me a present when I graduated college and law school. So they have set a precedent that when these big events in my life happen, they will show their happiness with a present. So why would I not "expect" them to get me a present for my wedding? I guess that just makes sense to me. If that is where you are at, and it sounds like you are, I would just be really confused too.

That being said, I don't know how you really bring this up to them. I also think that maybe they are going to be doing something else for your wedding maybe? Are you going on a honeymoon? Maybe they are planning on paying for something for you for that? Sorry that I don't have more advice... I just want you to know that you are NOT wrong for feeling like this, I would totally feel the same way!

If it were me and I was this bothered by it, I would bring it up indirectly. I would say something to the effect of "Hey we were going thru cards and things and have begun to suspect we might be missing a few, did you give us a card?" If your mom says "No" then you know that they really didnt and it wasnt an over sight, if it was an oversight or "god forbid" they actually did give you a card and it has gotten lost etc the situation can be corrected and the air cleared.

@Future_Mrs_D - yeah that's exactly what I was thinking. They've always given us gifts for big milestones, so I sort of expected to get something this time too. We've already been on our honeymoon, so there definitely won't be anything for that. I seem to be switching between feeling hurt, and being very concerned that maybe they've run into financial difficulties (but haven't told me yet as they don't want to worry me).

Anyway, we're visiting my parents this weekend so I'll see if anything gets brought up then. I really don't want to start the conversation myself as I don't want to embarrass them (especially if it is financial difficulties), but I'll see how things go. Thanks for your comments everyone - I feel a bit better now.