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VIP October 2021

Need to Vent

Jennifer, on May 31, 2019 at 9:31 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 24

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I just need to vent- so please refrain from snarky comments, I have Enough of those in my life!

My fiancé and I have been together for, almost, 8yrs. There has been drama over that time from 2 of his family members( see previous posts). We have had our share of drama/craziness with, HIS, ex’s and life in general. My ex and he get along great- too much so at times, lol!
Erik is a high end trial attorney. He does cases that range from workers comp, liability, federal cases, and now he is hitting in the major leagues.. He is super stressed and I respect that, however:

I am the SOLE planner of my wedding. And for the most part that is okay. I enjoy being the one to make the decorations and plan what goes where, etc—
But.... I can’t even pin him down to get the guest list! But, we have a 9+hr flight out of the country to get HIS guest list done- Bwahahaha!
He simply flippantly says “It’s 15mo away- we have time!” NO WE DO NOT- it is a destination wedding, September 19, 2020, therefore StD’s Need to go out NOW, we have 150-200 people coming!
Our Wedding Website needs to go up, and I am working on that, but would like his input.
Things need to be booked. We have a venue- ceremony, cocktail, reception & rehearsal the night before, but we need everything else- the food & cake are included w/venue, we just have to pick them.

It is hard, and hurtful, to have him tell me that he is “too busy/ too stressed” to talk about anything. No matter how, or how infrequently, I bring it up. And then he gets mad and crappy with me when I get upset that he has, yet again, made me feel like this wedding doesn’t matter to him.

I told him that how he is super stressed with his court cases, and how he plans, and plans, and replans the tiny details, that is how *I* am with the wedding. That it doesn’t “Just Happen”, it takes a lot of work to put on any type of wedding- but one that is high end, elegant & “Harry Potter” themed is going to require even more work- just like his cases. The more of an investment it is the more stressed and over planning we become.

I have 4 Bridesmaids, none who live in the state with me. All my family is out of state as well. And the couple of friends I do have in state, well aren’t exactly the type to help craft, lol!

I do NOT expect him to paint anything, even though I think he’d enjoy it if he did. But, I do expect him to have some input on things: colours, centerpieces, and his Groomsmen’s attire to name a few- oh the Food and cake too!

Then you add on the fact I have to get all the items for the wedding to upstate NY, get the house back to order after the nightmare construction( still not done btw!), school for my Associate’s Degree in Paralegal, Doctor’s appointments, chronic pain, family drama/health issues, trips to various places that range from overnight to 10 days out of the country, tiredness- something going on w/my blood rn( sewing Dr when I get back from Austria).... Etc etc.

And I want to have him spend 1-3hrs a week helping me plan OUR wedding! Looking at Videographer’s websites, photographers, DJ’s, etc... Is that too much to ask???

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VIP September 2019
latasha · on May 31, 2019 at 9:41 AM
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Honestly I think most of this is pretty normal. Men don’t typically take an active role in planning. However him getting his list done and deciding on groomsmen attire is definitely all on him. Him caring about videographers/photographers/DJs/etc is something that probably won’t happen. Maybe as time goes on he may take an interest in one category and then you let him handle that. 15 months is a lot of time and it seems you have done a lot of the bigger things so you are in a good place and can relax a bit. I absolutely don’t think he should be mean or a crab to you but honestly most men don’t care about the actual wedding as we ladies do. They feel they have all the time in the world and things aren’t as important or immediate as we feel. And sometimes they are right lol. I would say take a break, breathe and look at a timeline of the things you should be worried about based on time.
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on May 31, 2019 at 9:46 AM
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Thanks! Lol! I know it seems like we have a ton of time, but he and I are out of the country 3x for 6-10 days each trip, plus the little weekend ones and then the trips to NY to see my/our families and take wedding items up( we live in VA, it’s 450 miles each way, as we thought we were doing the wedding here, but decided to do it in NY where our first, blind, date was) makes the time fly by.
Couples with limited resources in the area we are booking, and then school, health issues I seem to fall behind when it matters..... and I don’t want to do that with this! Lol

Trying to breath and not have things go so crazy. Thanks for the advice and understanding 😊
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on May 31, 2019 at 9:52 AM
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I think 1-3 hours per week planning/doing wedding things for the next 15 months is a lot. We didn’t even spend those kind of hours a week planning and our engagement will be shorter than the time between now and your wedding. I can understand wanting him involved, but could you narrow it down for him. Maybe research videographers and narrow it down to 2 or 3 and then decide together. Vendors should be chosen if you can but STDs don’t need to go out (even for a DW) until a few months from now.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on May 31, 2019 at 9:53 AM
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I totally understand you wanting to get some things done, like STDs around the 12-month mark which means getting his guest list ASAP. Ugh. Can you show him a wedding checklist so he can see a 12-18 month timeline is normal??? And maybe find (or start a post) about how some venues & vendors book 12 months or longer in advance? As a lawyer, he might respect evidence.

A chat about how you feel about needing his input in general may help too (about not feeling important, not sure if he wants a wedding, whatever you feel).
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VIP September 2019
latasha · on May 31, 2019 at 9:54 AM
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Jennifer I can completely understand I had a 19 month long engagement and I was doing things waaaaaay in advance so that’s always good lol. I’m a planner with a pinch of major OCD lol. I totally get it. I try to remind myself tho that I want to look back on this planning process and say that I enjoyed it not say omg I hated it, it was horrible, I was stressed or got sick because of it hahaha. So constantly breathe, reach out to WW (or hey inbox me-we can vent and calm each other from time to time hehehe). Things will be ok and your day will be beautiful and then you can take all the credit 😂😂. I found with my fiancé that I started just deciding things and then later he was like heyyyy I’m excited about this too and started giving input lol.
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on May 31, 2019 at 9:58 AM
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The 1-3hrs was because I know he will multi-task during and I am hoping that he will help make some of the items for the wedding; decorations, table numbers, escort cards, signs, hotel “Welcome Bags”, closer to: “Honeydukes Candy Bar”, “Harry Potter” cookies, chocolate frogs & sorting the store bought candies into the 4 “House” colours...

The videographers I have narrowed down, he won’t even discuss Anything! He has given me a budget and I am trying to work within it but I am finding it hard to do so, when what He has told me he wants is taking a large chunk of the budget.... I might be able to work a deal on a photographer as I model andhave a few that are going to be in attendance....

I just want to have him actually be involved and like it matters.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on May 31, 2019 at 9:58 AM
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Also, some men just aren’t into wedding planning. If he remains uninvolved, what changes would you make to make it easier/more fun for you? Perhaps hire a wedding planner? Would you prefer to plan a small wedding close to home, or a destination elopement with just you two?

Without my hubby’s help there’s no way I would have done as much DIY decor (he built most of our big props/decor).
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on May 31, 2019 at 10:04 AM
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I have shown him a Check List, and then he was listening to the call that told me my Bridesmaids in Sangria colour were needing to order 10mo out.... He looked shocked and I asked “Are you sure??” “Yes” was my reply- at 2 stores!

Like I said, we have 2 9+hr flights to/from Austria and he can help me then! Lol- “he can’t escape so he has to” I told him, jokingly.

Heck! I even bought a Wedding Quizz book for planning! Thinking it might be a fun way to do it...

I have the “How to Make a Guest List” that I post for others and have shown him that and how other people/books recommended doing it- as well as we have 2mo to get the list finalized and get the StD’s Out.

Thanks for the loves and advice!!!!
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on May 31, 2019 at 10:09 AM
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Lol! I HOPE he gets there!!! Just seems like he won’t.
I have picked things and he has complained and Groomzilla’d me to the point I have given in on those couple things- telling him “Do NOT do that to me ever again, we either do this together or you deal with what I picked. And if you really don’t like something be Decent and we can discuss changing it- not saying we will as you decided to Not be part of the planning!”

It’s ironic that I got my Wedding Planner Certification right before we got engaged! Lol...
And I have planned events for his 2 kids that his ex-wife tried to take credit for( at our home no less!) so I have skillz in saying “Thank You for noticing all the details/hard work *I* did!!!” Lmao
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on May 31, 2019 at 10:12 AM
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I don't think this is normal. Sure some grooms are hands off but I'd tell him he needs to get his act together or this wedding isn't happening. If he can be an attorney he can get himself together for an hour or so to help you out. Your his spouse not another job, you should have some sort of priority, if he can't do this now he won't do it later and that's unhealthy for a marriage.
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on May 31, 2019 at 10:14 AM
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If he didn’t Goomzilla me and demand “X” be changed then maybe I’d be fine with doing it all.

I took on as much of the DIY because I thought 1) I could do it, 2) I had my MOH in state to help( as she said she would!) & then she married & moved 700+ miles away, 3) I thought he would help- he said he would, 4) I thought I could have my mom help on some- but her health isn’t so good following her, almost deadly, surgery a little over a year ago....

I am perfectly happy with our venue- it was where we had our first date and it feel “Right” to marry there. I love the large wedding idea too. As it is my first... Plus my son and mom wouldn’t come and I can’t imagne NOT having them at the wedding.... so an elopement, even to an nice place w/just “VIP family” wouldn’t work 😕....
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Master June 2020
Anna · on May 31, 2019 at 10:29 AM
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I'm so sorry. Sounds like you just need a little compassion and gratitude from him for all that you are trying to do, for both of you.

You just want him to be as excited as you are during the planning process.
You probably don't get much time with him and you feel this could be a good time to bond and make memories as you plan.

As a fellow planner, engaged to a laid back workaholic... I totally get it.
But, I just let it go. He's not into details like I am, so I'm just forging ahead with the planning without him.

I would just get the save the dates ready and tell him when you are mailing them. Tell him you need that list unless he wants his side of the venue to be empty, because your family and friends will be there 🤷

Tell him you want a date night once a week to go over the wedding details...no excuses, no exceptions.
Book it with his secretary, if you have to.

Hang in there! If I was closer, id definitely help you. If you ever need to vent, don't hesitate to message me❤

Hugs to you!
Good luck. It will be ok!
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on May 31, 2019 at 10:30 AM
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I totally understand where you are coming from, but you do have plenty of time. I personally wouldn't consider your wedding a destination wedding. I think destination weddings are more like ones that take place in other countries. I live in Maryland and I am getting married in Pennsylvania. Both families live about 2 hours from our venue. None of the bridesmaids or groomsmen live in the same state as us. My fiance had also had limited say because he doesn't help pick things out. For our guest list, I pretty much knew everyone he wanted to invite, so I created a Word document with everyone included and emailed it to him for him to review and add people if I missed anyone. I picked our photographer, videographer, decorator/florist, and DJ all on my own. We had DJs send us videos and stuff which I wanted him to watch with me, but he always made excuses so I just did it myself. He did go with me to pick out our venue, but I selected the menu. Our cake was included and he went with me for tastings, but I selected the design of the cake and he just tried it to make sure he liked it. He also went with me to meet the decorator/florist, but I selected the flowers and centerpieces I wanted. He kind of just sat there. When it came to tuxes, we went together. He had very little input. He basically left it all up to me. We have meetings scheduled with our DJ and videographer next weekend and he is going with me. However, I have been the one communicating with them. For music, I selected three songs for each thing and sent him list and he can select which song he likes from the list I sent. I think this is very common for the groom to have little say. I am so sorry you are going through this, but try to relax because I think you do have plenty of time.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on May 31, 2019 at 10:51 AM
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Lol. The flight sounds perfect!
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on May 31, 2019 at 10:56 AM
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Naw uh, groomzillas aren't allowed. No demanding stuff gets changed unless he's helping.
Hmm...if most of the wedding vision is your idea (venue, big wedding, DIY) then ultimately most might fall on you unless your FH is willing to help. That's why I suggest reconsidering anything you're doing *assuming" he might not help more (not that he won't but more of a "just in case"). There's no way I would have dragged my hubby through wedding planning--I would have changed a lot.
Big hugs. Hope your flight goes well and you get his dang guest list.
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Super July 2020
D · on May 31, 2019 at 11:02 AM
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Take things one step at a time. For right now work on the guest list. The STD's don't have to be sent out for 3-5 months. Do you have or want to include engagement photos on your STDs? Ask him on the plane. If you don't have engagement photos and want to take some then that would also be a good time to talk about it. Other things can be done month by month so try not to stress so hard.
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Devoted October 2020
Alli · on May 31, 2019 at 11:11 AM
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It can be frustrating when the FH's don't seem interested or want to help. Like PP's have said, it's not right for him to be rude or snippy with you AT ALL, but really most men simply don't care about the details we brides know are important! Mine always says, "oooh I like that" to EVERYTHING and is definitely not excited about decor... so what I do is offer him a handful of choices, after I've narrowed down the options. This helps because he isn't overwhelmed and neither am I! Other than that, I just choose what I want and on the bright side, it means no arguments about who gets to pick what!
Hope this gets better for you - try not to let it stress you out too much!!
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Super September 2019
ASMini914 · on May 31, 2019 at 11:52 AM
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Honestly, I get that it feels like a lot, but you have plenty of time. I’m in the same situation with a fiancé who is super busy and stressed with work, but instead of 15 months, I have had under 9 months total (engaged end of December 2018, date is September 2019).

The approach I've taken is to tackle one vendor at a time, I research, compare prices, etc. and then bring my top 2 or 3, tell him what I think we should do and usually he agrees. When he doesn’t we talk about why and then either I focus more on that or he spends 30 minutes and helps.

As PP have said, 1-3 hours a week for the next 15 months is a lot to ask, especially if he Already has a stressful, time consuming career. If you really need help doing everything, and don’t have enough time to do it in the next 15 months, then decide on something that needs to go. Maybe don’t do so much DIY, or hire a coordinator instead.
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Super October 2021
Nicole · on May 31, 2019 at 12:46 PM
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My FH is pretty hands off as well. I run ideas by him and he provides input. But I would say I'm planning 95% of it and then jointly making decisions. To be honest, men just don't care about these things. FH has already said "I don't care about x, as long as we get married that day, that's what's important"

I think you should give him deadlines for the important things. "Erik, I need your guest list by x date so I can send out Stds by x date" And then don't talk to him about wedding stuff in between.

My FH is off the hook until september when I want him to decide what the boys are wearing. And they won't even be booking its just to get an idea of colors.

Give him some grace and understand, although it is frustrating and does feel like they don't care, that they really don't care about all the small details as long as they get to marry you at the end of the day.
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Master June 2019
Danielle · on May 31, 2019 at 12:59 PM
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This is more typical than you think, but sorry you are having such a hard time with wedding planning. I've planned our wedding 98% by myself. No help from FH, family, or bridal party. And honestly, it's been pretty stress free for me. I don't have to worry about other people's opinions clashing with mine. Plus, a lot of men don't want to hear wedding talk and always think there is "plenty of time" (insert eye roll, lol). Just get his guest list from him, and do the rest on your own. Use these forums to get all of your wedding talk out, so you don't overwhelm him or anyone else with it. But get his opinion when it is really needed. He doesn't need to have an opinion on centerpieces, but he should have an opinion on food & groomsmen attire. So narrow down his choices, and ask if he has a preference. If he says no, then pick what you want. Anyways, those are just some tips on what has helped me. Good Luck!
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