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VIP October 2021

Need to Vent

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Jennifer, on May 31, 2019 at 9:31 AM

I just need to vent- so please refrain from snarky comments, I have Enough of those in my life!

My fiancé and I have been together for, almost, 8yrs. There has been drama over that time from 2 of his family members( see previous posts). We have had our share of drama/craziness with, HIS, ex’s and life in general. My ex and he get along great- too much so at times, lol!
Erik is a high end trial attorney. He does cases that range from workers comp, liability, federal cases, and now he is hitting in the major leagues.. He is super stressed and I respect that, however:

I am the SOLE planner of my wedding. And for the most part that is okay. I enjoy being the one to make the decorations and plan what goes where, etc—
But.... I can’t even pin him down to get the guest list! But, we have a 9+hr flight out of the country to get HIS guest list done- Bwahahaha!
He simply flippantly says “It’s 15mo away- we have time!” NO WE DO NOT- it is a destination wedding, September 19, 2020, therefore StD’s Need to go out NOW, we have 150-200 people coming!
Our Wedding Website needs to go up, and I am working on that, but would like his input.
Things need to be booked. We have a venue- ceremony, cocktail, reception & rehearsal the night before, but we need everything else- the food & cake are included w/venue, we just have to pick them.

It is hard, and hurtful, to have him tell me that he is “too busy/ too stressed” to talk about anything. No matter how, or how infrequently, I bring it up. And then he gets mad and crappy with me when I get upset that he has, yet again, made me feel like this wedding doesn’t matter to him.

I told him that how he is super stressed with his court cases, and how he plans, and plans, and replans the tiny details, that is how *I* am with the wedding. That it doesn’t “Just Happen”, it takes a lot of work to put on any type of wedding- but one that is high end, elegant & “Harry Potter” themed is going to require even more work- just like his cases. The more of an investment it is the more stressed and over planning we become.

I have 4 Bridesmaids, none who live in the state with me. All my family is out of state as well. And the couple of friends I do have in state, well aren’t exactly the type to help craft, lol!

I do NOT expect him to paint anything, even though I think he’d enjoy it if he did. But, I do expect him to have some input on things: colours, centerpieces, and his Groomsmen’s attire to name a few- oh the Food and cake too!

Then you add on the fact I have to get all the items for the wedding to upstate NY, get the house back to order after the nightmare construction( still not done btw!), school for my Associate’s Degree in Paralegal, Doctor’s appointments, chronic pain, family drama/health issues, trips to various places that range from overnight to 10 days out of the country, tiredness- something going on w/my blood rn( sewing Dr when I get back from Austria).... Etc etc.

And I want to have him spend 1-3hrs a week helping me plan OUR wedding! Looking at Videographer’s websites, photographers, DJ’s, etc... Is that too much to ask???

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24 Comments

VIP April 2019
Nikita · on May 31, 2019 at 1:56 PM
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That can be so frustrating! It sounds like you've tried just about everything you can. I'm guessing you already did this, but have you had a conversation with him about what he wants to actually be involved in and what matters to him for the wedding? Use that silly check list as a guide when he gives the *grunt* I dunno response...
And maybe ask him when, at the earliest, he can get his side of the guest list to you. Make sure the deadline is at least 2 weeks before you're comfortable absolutely needing it... then let him be about it. Trust him to get that much done for you without prodding him.
I hope that helps!
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VIP June 2019
Danielle K · on May 31, 2019 at 3:39 PM
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My FH also wanted nothing to do with planning so I instead narrowed each thing down to 2 or 3 options.
Can you bring him a cake sample one day and ask if he likes it, then a week or so later bring him another and ask if it was better or worse than the first.
You can show him 2 or 3 tux options and let him pick the best.
If you are presenting him with 1 decision at a time with just 2 or 3 option, you are a lot more likely to get a simple easy decision rather than a lot of push back about not caring or having time.
It is frustrating when they don't care as much as you do but on one hand my FH did not want a big wedding so It is on me to make it happen and also even when he did come around he still isn't very good at planning so I knew it would all be on my shoulders.
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on May 31, 2019 at 4:06 PM
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Thanks all!

We, ikr?!?, picked the StD’s- And they just arrived!!!!-, will get the guest list done on the plane, I’ve told him that is my intent.

He has an extremely large Italian/Greek family and tons of political, “co-worker”( lawyers he goes up against/takes cases with and are friends) as well as his friend circle is extensive- like 150ppl( that includes plus ones)... Then we add in my people: family, friends, coworkers.... and we have hit 200. So, a large wedding is needed- as he can’t cut too deeply, unless it’s just our kids( 24yo son & 22yo daughter for him & one 21yo son for me), parents and siblings( making it 7 for him and 4 for me & that makes me sad)

I had a wicked time with venues- had sorted through 75 that fit the look HE wanted for ceremony & what I wanted for reception. When I took him to 2 that were 5min apart he was not particularly liking either, we went with the “lesser of two evils”- his words. And when they canceled he refused to go to any more to look, saying “I had not looked hard enough”- hellllllo 80 locations by that point was looking VERY hard! Luckily we booked the venue that we had our first date at( and I was hoping for- but didn’t want to even begin to ask- since it was 450+ miles away!)

It’s just hard when he acts pissy, flippant or disinterested and then when I DO book something he gets cranky or demanding as to why( that thing that makes him a dang good lawyer and a crappy significant other lol!) and how much and he doesn’t like it for “x” reason.... Then my hackles go up and I am in the “If you bothered to help look at the stuff then we wouldn’t be having this discussion/argument!” And round and round.

The DIY was supposed to be helped w/by my mom, MOH & he had offered to do some- then retracted lol! But I have most all purchased sooooo..... lol.... And, yes, I do have 14mo to do the stuff.

The rehearsal dinner, ceremony, cockatil hour & half, reception are all in one venue- they do the food and cake, have a DoC, tables, chairs, settings, linens, dance floor, rain backup plan, gorgeous spots for pictures, and a staff that is thrilled to have us getting married there- because of our, blind, first date there & “Harry Potter” themed wedding!

The tips you all have given, as well as the “we are going thru it too”, does help. Thank you all!
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Expert August 2020
· on June 1, 2019 at 12:21 AM
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This exactly!
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