My sister is refusing to come to my destination wedding

Marisa,

She has said she doesn't want to go because it doesn't benefit her in any way.

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FutureMrs.L,

The plane ticket is under $600 and I budgeted the entire trip for her to be around $800 due to my parents shelling out hotel accommodations, and a car rental for her. And I know it's not a money issue, it's her desire to go issue. She doesn't want to go, because it doesn't benefit her in any way.

I just skimmed mostly, so sorry if this has been addressed but I read that you said you are waiting for her to call you. Call her. If you're close have a face to face. Talk with her about what you are hearing from other people and let her know you want to give her the opportunity to let you know what is happening.

This may not change what you've heard but if this is your sister, and supposedly your best friend, then you owe her that chance before you decide to cut off all contact.

I say this from the place of someone with a narcissistic sister with whom I have had a rocky relationship. When she wants to be good to others she can be so good, but when she is not - hold on. I honestly would recommend not cutting off that relationship entirely, especially if you are as close as you claim. But setting boundaries and being clear in standing up for yourself. (Once she has had the chance to explain to you directly) "Sister, I understand you aren't coming. I need you to know that this hurts me deeply that you won't come to my wedding because you have said it isn't important to you/what you want to do/whatever her reasoning is. I may need some distance while I deal with my feelings about not having my sister at our wedding with us."

I have had to set firm boundaries many times. It is okay to state fact and let her know what will be happening because of the fact. But you HAVE to give her the opportunity to explain herself first.

My brother had a destination wedding in Hawaii and, though I loved the idea of going (and I did go despite personal health issues I was having), it was still a huge expense and inconvenience. You have to understand that not everyone likes to travel, not everyone has that kind of money to spend, and she nay also be upset personally bc of the bridal party thing. What about having a small ceremony in your state?

I am not even really having a destination wedding but it does mean travel for several guests. One of my best friends who I call a sister told me that she is not able to come (because of expenses). I completely understood that we decided to have our wedding in Maryland (where we live), not Massachusetts (where my family lives) and would need to deal with the consequences. It has not negatively impacted our friendship at all. Again the location was our choice.

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Emily,

Thank you for reminding me of this. I appreciate how you have some first-hand knowledge yourself with a sister that sounds a bit like mine, because of that, I think your right. I do need to step up and voice my thoughts even if she doesn't approach me.

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Ally,

We are legally getting married in our home state at our local courthouse but we are on a budget and won't be doing anything outside of the courthouse. We see our wedding in Ireland as our real wedding, despite it not being legal until we go to the courthouse. Although my family knows we will be getting legally married at the courthouse, we are hoping people will understand that Ireland is what we want people to attend, while the courthouse is purely for legal purposes. And I truly understand that she may be upset about not being my MOH but my FH has no real friends outside of his family and has asked me to not having a bridal party to avoid any awkward conversations or questions from my friends and family.

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And be sure to start by giving her an opportunity to explain. Honestly, everything you've heard is third party and not from her. I'm not saying it's wrong, but she does deserve the opportunity to tell you herself. Then, when you know from her, start setting your boundaries.

I will say, I read your other post and I would prepare yourself that this is not the real wedding ceremony to be a part of this. If you're thinking you may get upset/emotional hearing from her directly, prepare yourself for some of the different things you expect from her so that you can respond in a mature and appropriate way. Good luck.

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This is what I'm referring to in the previous post. You may hope that people see Ireland as your real wedding, but a lot of people won't see it that way and it may affect their decision to attend. That is part of doing this the way you both decided to do it and you will have to be okay with someone's decision. Some people don't care and see it exactly as you stated it, but other people will care.

I am one who goes to a wedding to see the ceremony. I am bothered by being invited to something that is not a wedding and under many circumstances would not attend. Or - in more honesty - have attended because of family obligations, but am certainly sour about it. If it's something that costs me money or time, especially in excessive amounts, I am VERY sour about it. If this is part of what your sister has to say, you need to prepare yourself that these are valid feelings. They are feelings you don't like because you see it a different way, but they are valid feelings.

View Quoted Comment I would cut off a relative until they realize it’s all about me... ok. An international wedding that’s not even a legal wedding is a huge expense. It’s not all about you when it costs guests thousands of dollars.

View Quoted Comment I would rather attend the courthouse and see my sister get married than spend thousands to fly to Ireland and watch a symbolic ceremony.

View Quoted Comment Yes, that statement made me grit my teeth. A person's decision not to spend $800 plus on a trip they do not want, using work time off benefits they may want for something else, for an hour ceremony, not religious or legal, is not about that person? Only about the bride? That is advocating one of the most egocentric standards of judgement and behavior I have ever heard.

I would encourage you not to cut all ties; she will always be your sister. You do not have to indulge her tantrum, however. Let her pout at home while you and the rest of your guests enjoy the splendors of Ireland!

View Quoted Comment I agree!!!

View Quoted Comment I get that it sucks she is not coming. One how do you know she can get off work? The fact you would stop talking to your sister cause she had s not coming to your wedding. What happens when one of you has a kid? What is she gets sick? Is ruining you relationship with your sister worth all that?

You say you and she are best friends but you haven’t even had a discussion with her? Doesn’t sound like best friends to me. Did it even occur to you that she may feel terribly hurt that she’s not your MOH? Sounds like both of you are kind of self-centered.

Is it possible that the reason your sister won't attend is something completely unrelated to her not being in the ceremony? For example, I don't fly. At all. I don't care who is getting married where, if I have to fly to get there, I'm not going.

Could it be something like that that she's not comfortable admitting, and so is blaming it on something else?

Just talk to her about it.

No need for it to go straight to cutting off contact.... She might have more in depth thoughts about the whole situation that haven't been shared yet.

View Quoted Comment Completely agree!

View Quoted Comment In the original post, bride says her sister is telling people she simply does not want to go to Ireland. So don't be so sure she will be home pouting. She may well be thrilled to nit have to waste her time going somewhere she has no wish to go, wasting her precious time off, for her sister's notions that her legal wedding is not the real one in her heart. I would be thrilled Mother and sis the bride stopped nagging about it, not a tear or a pout. Why is not wanting to go to a country one has no interest in, at great expense of time as well as money, having a tantrum? (( visiting Ireland again is on my list after Turkmenistan and the Antipodes.) 😊