My sister is refusing to come to my destination wedding

My sibling isn't coming to my wedding. It's across the country from him. Ultimately, I had to admit to myself I wouldn't want to force someone to be at my wedding, it would be miserable to know they don't want to be there. Even if they came, just knowing they didn't want to would kind of ruin it for me. So I accepted that it's better to let them not come gracefully for MY sake. You'll have to make peace with her not being there even if it hurts.

How she's gone about it is really terrible though. I would advise you to be understanding of the fact she's choosing not to come, even if that's hurtful. I'd have a harder time that she's being so so disrespectful about how she's telling everyone and hasn't let you know.

My sibling let me know politely and early and I was understanding, even though it sucked. If they had been mouthing off to everyone, that's so much harder (and really not okay) but it's not worth it to let her taint your wedding and your feelings. Acknowledge she's doing a truly crappy thing in how she's gone about choosing not to go, but ultimately try and accept it for YOUR sake. Holding a grudge will likely hurt YOU and attach so many negative feelings to your wedding because of that association!

You mentioned in another post that the ceremony in Ireland won't even be a legal ceremony. One of the consequences to having a destination event is that not everyone will attend, even family. Destination events are expensive and can be a pain for guests. Would it be nice if she would attend, yes, but she's decided not to. You might also consider that there are many months before the event and she might change her mind. I certainly wouldn't let a sibling not attending what is in essence a party destroy my relationship with them.

You decided on a destination wedding. The issue with that is not everyone will come as each and every person has a budget. If she doesn't want to go then she shouldn't have to go. I understand that the hurts your feelings but unless you wish to pay all of her expenses, ensure that her job is guaranteed and so forth then just let it be. I would recommend sitting her down and talking to her. Find out why she is telling everyone she isn't going but hasn't told you. If you feel that she is upset about her not being a MOH then discuss that and your reasons for doing so. I think a conversation needs to happen and clear the air. She is your sister so I do not think that cutting off communication should even be an option.

Reguardless she is your sister weather she comes or not. But it is your decision if you wanna talk to her after. If it was me and my sister was doing what your sister is doing i would cut them off completely till they understand its not about them its about me

View Quoted Comment Amy, Thank you for that point of view. I appreciate it. I do want my wedding to associated with fun and a once-in-a-lifetime experience, but it's hard for me to accept that my sister is acting the way she is. I have known she's a selfish woman, I just never expected her to not be there. I wish I could go explain more in-depth about the situation but I am sure I'll look crazy. I am not trying to get people to side with me, but I really do not know how to salvage my relationship with my sister if she continues this behavior and doesn't ultimately come.

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Dyasia,

I am waiting for her to reach out to me (I am certain she knows, that I know she's telling everyone but me she is not coming) and I will try to listen to her with an open mind. However, If the roles were reversed, there would be no question on if I was going out not given how close we are, I am just shocked that she is putting herself first on a day that should be about me.

Yes, you're being too harsh. Part of choosing to have a destination wedding is realizing that it is a huge imposition on your guests. You are prioritizing a location over what is convenient and affordable for the guests, which is certainly your right, but it is unreasonable to be angry with anyone who does not attend.

Sisters dont have to be best friends. Have you actually talked to her? It actually sounds like a lot of heresy. Why would you cut her off for this? What if she was pregnant instead but couldn't travel? What if she couldn't get off of her work? Would you cut her off then too? I acknowledge she is may be being childish but dont stoop to her level.
Also are your parents still alive? What do they have to say about it?

I don’t understand how her choosing not to spend thousands of dollars to attend your wedding is reason to cut her off or say she’s all about her when it should be about you. We see this all the time in these forums- when you choose to have a DW, sometimes that means your guests, even ones you’re super close to, won’t be able to make it.

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Cuoghi, we don't have to be best friends but are so there's that. I haven't spoken to her because my parents attempted to combat the issue before telling me and she blew up on them and they even offered to pay her way... She is not pregnant, she can get off work, and my understanding from both my parents is, that this isn't about her so she is not going (which is her personally 100%). My parents are appalled by her behavior and stand by me not speaking to her in the future if that's what I decide.

View Quoted Comment If this is her regular behavior why did you believe your wedding would change who she is? Has her behavior ever stopped you from being close in the past?

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Sarah, I totally understand if it was a budget or money concern but it's not because my parent's offered to pay her way. For my sister, it's about her not going because it doesn't benefit her in any way. Even if she was to go, the trip that I budgeted out for her would be $800 for everything. She makes more money than me and has known about the wedding destination for almost 16 months now, plenty of time to save (and ask off work) if that were the issue

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Sarah, my sister was a hardcore dick as a teenager but after a heart-to-heart when I went off to college, she turned her attitude around with me. She's been a great friend to me as we went into our twenties together, but this behavior has taken her back to the nasty 17-year-old she used to be. I am not shocked, but I was under the assumption that we both wanted to be supportive and better to each other than before. Does that make sense? I've known she's capable of this stuff, but never thought she'd pull this, "It's not about me, so why would I go," crap.

View Quoted Comment That makes complete sense. My sister and I have a somewhat similar relationship, she was in my wedding 2 years ago, but we’ve spent the better part of the last year not speaking because of a disagreement in which she didn’t like my opinion so she threatened to call child services on me. Unfortunately sometimes we can’t change people, even the ones we love/care about the most.

View Quoted Comment So if this is normal for her why are you surprised or letting it bother you?

I wouldn't go either if you were my sister. I don't travel to destination weddings. A couple having a vision of a wedding in Ireland, doesn't match with my vision of how I want to spend my money.

You are not having a legal wedding, so we are talking a vow renewal or symbolic wedding as you call it, and a vacation.

She may be acting childish, but you are returning her behavior in kind by even thinking of cutting off a relationship with your so- called best friend/ sister, because of this.

Whether you or we approve of her behavior or not, she could be very hurt that you didn't ask her to be MOH. 35 guests does not rule out having an MOH.

View Quoted Comment Also, you cant call someone your best friend and say you are never going to talk to them again in the same sentence. You may need to really evaluate your relationship with your sister. outside of your wedding.

You are having a ceremony that is not your legal wedding, so you can travel to your choice of a vacation place, and put on a ceremony for those you invite. Nothing wrong with that, but non-weddings need not be high on anyone's priority list for time or money. Clearly a vacation in Ireland holds no attraction by itself, and few of those going would go if you chose a place they did not want to go. Not to see vows that are heartfelt but not of legal significance or religious ones. So let her off the hook. You chose this super expensive thing, you have to accept that lots of people may decline, and others accept but then back out when they cannot get time off or have other bills. As for her talking to everyone about it, that is an unpleasant, and rude, and childish way to deal with things, and your sister needs to grow up and develop better social skills. That you can be legitimately outraged about. But not coming, no.

I would say find out exactly why she dosnt want to go .. is it a money issue? Fear of flying? Fear of traveling to another country? Unable to take off work for more than a few days? Did she say why she dosnt want to go?

Perhaps she's not comfortable accepting your parents offer of spending thousands to fly her there.. As much as i'd love to go to Ireland, I couldn't attend my sister's wedding if it were there, and we talk daily. She wanted to get married in Vegas, but understands I may not be able to travel there in April as we're TTC after the wedding. For her, my attending is more important than location, so she's doing it locally.