My Fiancé's best man is a woman

Hi! My fiancé’s best “man” is a woman but she is also our best friend mutually. They grew up together and her and I have become extremely close in the last 6 years while my FH and I were dating. She is actually throwing/planning my bachelorette party. In your situation I would feel uncomfortable since you haven’t even met yet — sounds kind of strange in my opinion. But your FH has every right to choose his side of the bridal party, so maybe just have a discussion about it and express your concerns

You never met her ? Personally I feel like he should understand where you coming from. I feel like we are becoming 1 whatever issues or things that sits on either him or her mind should be dicuss. What always say is it's about how you approach the convo. Express your not mad your just curious and need to feel as he do. About this .

I would be so uncomfortable with this. How would he feel if you had an old date as your man of honor who he’d never met?

If I were you I’d try to meet her first! I just think you should personally know everyone who is going to be in both the bridal and grooms party. I would feel more comfortable that way —even if it was a guy, I’d like to meet him first too.

Umm I don’t think you’re crazy at all what if your maid of honor was someone you once had feelings for...?? If the tables were turned would your FH be as understanding as you’re trying to be? Especially since you’ve never met her. I completely understand why you’re so uneasy...

I agree with all these women. Don't feel bad at all it has to be address before the wedding.

When my best friend got married, her husband chose a woman that he had previously had feelings for as his best woman. She met this girl and afterwards felt totally comfortable with having this woman stand up there as his best woman because she saw that there really was nothing there to begin with. While it can be an uncomfortable situation and you might be validated in this, I would ask him to tell you why he chose her, what were his reasonings. Also, meet her. Sometimes we are blinded by what actually is and she may mean no harm at all. Lastly, do you have any reason to believe he would cheat on you? Maybe ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable with it as well.

That is super weird. That sounds stressful.. If you do sit down and have a conversation about it and he really wants this maybe you could both facetime or zoom her so you can meet her.

The fact that you haven't met her is what seems strange here...I've been to one wedding before where the best man was a woman and everything worked out great, because this was simply the person who was the closest friend of the groom. Tons of people have best men who are women, and 'man of honor' instead of maid of honor. But the fact that you have never met this person is what would worry me. I don't think you are being a bridezilla and I would have an honest conversation with your FH about this. The first priority should be meeting this person, even if it's over Zoom or Facetime!

That is a little odd mostly due to the fact you’ve never met her. The best “man” should be the person he’s closest to/ his best friend. If you’ve never even met her as his fiancé I find that difficult to understand. For me, I wouldn’t want anyone at my wedding that I’ve never even met so for it be my future husbands best man someone I’ve never even met I would feel uncomfortable with that for sure. I would just bring up how you feel or any concerns about it with him in a reasonable way. You definately don’t want to look back on your wedding pictures and possibly regretting things without first saying how it may make you feel. It is your day after all and you deserve to be okay with it too.

I would probably share with him you feel a bit uncomfortable and ask if he could hold of asking her before you have a chance to meet. I would feel a little awkward not meeting the “best man” (even if they didn’t have a sort of “history”) because they’re someone they consider of best friend. You might feel better after you’ve got a chance to meet and I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask him to hold off giving someone such an important role in the wedding until then.

I mean I can see your discomfort but I also think some things you’re saying don’t make sense. Two of my bridal party members were out of state but it didn’t make things any worse really. My husband hadn’t ever met my brides man prior to the wedding cause he lived in another state for years and never really came back to visit. I also think if she does live in another state that it does make sense you didn’t meet her yet. I do see your discomfort though because there’s naturally an uncomfortable feeling when you know your partner used to have feelings for someone.

I think there are a lot of valid points being shared here. Personally, I trust my FH 100% and would like to think I'd be fine in the same situation but my FH doesn't really have any close female friends (I'd be way more apt to have bridesmen than he would have groomswomen), so I dunno. If you feel at all uneasy about the situation I think it makes sense that you at least meet this woman first. Two of my FH's groomsmen are high school friends and I have only met them each once for maybe a half hour, but even those brief introductions were important to me because its natural to want to feel a connection with the people that are a big part of your wedding day and will be in so many of your wedding day photos. Also, is she planning a co-ed bachelor party for him? I could see that being uncomfortable if they used to date and she's someone you've never even met before. I would also feel weird if I had never met my FH's best man regardless of whether it was a man or woman, so I can see how it feel odd to you that this other woman has basically been picked as the most important friend in your FH's life and you've never even met her before.

I think its certainly fair to discuss with your husband and ask if you can all set up a time to meet well in advance of the wedding. If someone is going to be an integral part of your wedding day I think its totally fair to want to meet them beforehand so at the very least they aren't a total stranger to you on the day of or days leading up to your wedding.

I definitely understand where both of you are coming from, but I think it is important to remember that he picked you. He had his chance to be with her and for whatever reason that didn’t work out. She is still very important to him though if he wants her to be his best woman. Whether he has known other people longer than her really shouldn’t be the determining factor as to who should be his best man/woman. It should be based on who he has the closest relationship with. He has determined that she is the person he most wants to be in that position just like you get to decide who you want to be your maid of honor. My question to you is do you know the extent of their relationship? Just because they went out a few times doesn’t mean it was anything serious. I also understand your unease that you've never met her before, but because she lives in another state that definitely makes it more challenging. I am guessing he has not purposefully never introduced you guys. If that were the case then that would be a major red flag. Below I have explained my own personal experience with something similar.

One of my husband’s best friends is a female. She was a groomwoman in our wedding. They have been friends for approximately ten years. When they first met, my husband had a crush on her, but she didn’t feel the same way so they remained just friends. Unlike you, I have met her numerous times and I can’t stand her. It has nothing to do with his past feelings for her. It is because she is a very difficult person to get along with which is why she doesn’t have a lot of friends. While she isn’t my favorite person, she is important to him so I dealt with her being in the wedding. In fact, she got ready with me the morning of the wedding and went dress shopping with me for bridesmaids’ dresses because my husband wanted her in the same dress as the bridesmaids. My husband also has another female friend he met in college that wasn’t in our wedding, but she attended with her husband. My husband asked her out when they first met, but she turned him down. However, they remained friends. When I first met her, it was rather awkward because she mentioned how he asked her out when they first met. But we have long since moved past that and we get along very well.

I also have a really good male friend that wasn’t in the wedding, but he did attend with his fiancée. I had debated having him in the wedding and wish I would have, but he had just gotten engaged and was planning on buying a house so I didn’t want him to feel obligated to be in my wedding. Our friendship started out because of a dating app. We both happened to be on the same dating app and went to the same college together. We talked on the dating app and we got along really well so we met up. After going out a couple of times, we realized we were better off as friends. Nothing romantic ever happened between us. I am not sure if this is similar to the situation with your fiancé and his friend.

As for planning with someone who lives out of state, I don’t really think that should be a problem. My husband and I planned our wedding in another state. We live in Maryland, but he is from New Jersey and I am from Pennsylvania. We decided to get married in Scranton, PA which is in between where both families live. We had people in our bridal party that live in California, North Carolina, New Jersey, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. We went dress shopping for bridesmaids’ dresses in New Jersey because there were more stores near where my girls from New Jersey live than where my girls in Pennsylvania live. My mom, sister (maid of honor), and friend drove together to meet up with me and other girls. If she does end up being in the wedding, then you will need to decide what you want her to wear. If it is the same dress as the bridesmaid, she could always find a store that carries the same designer near her so she can go and try on the dress to see what size she needs to wear. Or you could give her the option to pick her own dress, but give her guidelines. When it came to getting tuxes, my husband decided he wanted to get them from Men’s Warehouse since they have locations all of the United States. He later on decided he wanted to go as a group. His brother (lives in Ohio) was visiting New Jersey for the holidays so he went with all of his groomsmen (expect the best man who lives in California) to get measured. My brother (bride’s man) and dad called Men’s Warehouse with their measurements from my brother’s wedding four months prior to mine since the closest Men’s Warehouse was 1.5 hours one way from where they live. The best man got measured at a Men’s Warehouse near him. The ring bearer and usher (live in North Carolina) went to a Men’s Warehouse near them to get measured. My bridal shower was planned by my mom and sister-in-law (bridesmaid) and it was in Scranton just like our wedding to better accommodate both families. My husband’s bachelor party was two days prior to our wedding so that the best man didn’t have to fly in from California twice to be able to attend. My husband’s groomsmen/groomswoman communicated via a Facebook group chat to make plans for his bachelor party.

I think it would be awful of you to interfere. If you have jealousy issues, two things to understand. One, it is a natural first thought. We all have an instinctive "MINE!" response. Second, that jealousy can be an extremely destructive thing if you act on something innocent. You are screaming out loud to your FI, I don't feel I can trust you out of my sight. I don't believe you when you say there is no ongoing relationship. If those things are what you really feel, cancel the wedding. Never marry someone you fundamentally do not trust. But if you generally trust him, then work on taking this at Dave value. He is with you, not her. You are his lover, the one he wants to marry. She is now a friend. We had a couple of people each that we had once had relationships of 1-2 years with, at our wedding. They sometimes come to parties, or dinner and cards, pool, outdoor games. The fact is, neither of us repeatedly went out with nasty guys/ gals. Anyone who made it past a few dates or a few months, was and is a very nice person. But at some point we realized that what we had in common was not enough . We began to be bored with one another, to want to be with someone different, and called it quits. Or, we realized that once past surface suffering, we were reading looking for different, incompatible things, and would never compromise on such fundamental things. Different ethical or moral standards, different goals, different values about work, money, family, children, where to live. You name it. But though not meant to stay close as husband and wife, I like these guys as friends, and hubby likes these women. They have SO/ spouses now, have for years, and our kids like each other. No threat to our marriage. We want friendship and nothing more, from each other. D cide, that you can get over this minor discomfort, and realize that she is no threat. So each of them once had feelings for each other. So what?

Sorry for places the computer autowrite put in weird words. I switch it off, they switch on ( default) when sending updates.
" If you love him, work on taking things at face value." (Not Dave value.) And " once past surface differences" ( not once past surface suffering.)

First off, thank you, everyone, for your kind words, advice, and experiences. To clarify, I trust my partner 100% and I know he would never be unfaithful or put himself in a compromising situation. I'm glad to hear about other's positive experiences, as well as others validating my concern. I wanted to hear those first before I enter into a conversation with him so I can be the most understanding, compassionate, and loving version of myself with him, so it's important to muddle through what are valid concerns vs my own insecurities!

Also, thank you for everyone being kind! I was worried I'd come off wrong because believe me, I don't want I stifle my partner or be controlling. Thank you for the perspective! I'll initiate a discussion with him about it tonight.

Love to all

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Good point! Maybe even a facetime call would be helpful with this!

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Thank you for sharing this! It was very valuable! It can be worked out logistically for sure.

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You're welcome! While it does make it more complicated, it can definitely be worked out.