Moving In Together Against Parents' Wishes

Graduation and moving in together is still a year away. Just don't talk about it with his parents. Obviously you already told them which I think is good because it'll sit and maybe they'll learn to accept it over the next year. For now, don't mention it. If they do, then say you and your FH are still discussing it and leave it at that. When the time comes, move in together and cross that bridge with his parents when you come to it.

@Ellaenchanted - That is one of our main concerns but I didn't have enough characters to explain it fully. Also, I will be a preschool teacher. Finding a job that will be okay with me working for 6 months and not the entire year will be next to impossible. If FH has to move out of state for his work, it makes much more sense for me to move with him and establish a job/home in our new area versus finding a job/home in our hometown for only six months. My only other option would be to take odd jobs until the wedding, which seems absolutely ridiculous to me.

@kitandkaboodle the finances, the practicality, AND boundaries are important. If they are still inconveniencing and adjusting their adult lives around their parents' preferences with this, where does it end?

If doing something perfectly normal, practical, and beneficial damages their relationship with the parents because they're judgemental and think it's icky, it's the parents' problem.

I think you are looking at it from a good perspective. You have time for the idea to sink in between now and then.

I would wait until you have jobs secured, then it's a simple "our money, our decision."

I would just suggest making sure he gets a job before moving in and committing to rent or mortgage. But parents will get over it.

@Karen - I understand your concern about our age. In our area, many couples get married straight out of high school/halfway through college and sometimes even after one year of dating. I think that can be very problematic and irresponsible, especially considering these types of couples have never spent time alone with their SO and know next to nothing about them (in the grand scheme of things). My fiance attends college in a city an hour away from me and has been living on his own for three years now. I live at home with my parents under the condition that I work and stay in school. We have been very serious and committed for years now. If anything our community is shocked at how long it took for us to be engaged but we took things at our own pace and are intentionally waiting to get married until we are done with school and working full-time. I appreciate your honesty though and understand where you are coming from.

My parents did not grow up in the South whereas FH's did. This is where our values sometimes clash because our families are quite different. FH and I have discussed marriage and living together for over two years now. As I stated, we will make our own decision regardless of their opinion, but we are finally in a good place with his parents and hate the idea of making the relationship rocky again. If they did decide to essentially disown him and not attend the wedding, it would not keep us from being together. It would just be an awful situation, and we really hope it doesn't come to that.

OP it sounds like you guys have really thought this through and have a plan. At the time I moved in with H, I was the same age that you'll be when you move in with FH. I lived with just my mom and when I told her, I had to make sure I was TELLING her and not ASKING her, if that makes sense. I just knew that she was going to throw a hissy fit, so I made sure to word it in a way that made it clear that me telling her was more so a courtesy. Not this verbatim, but more of a "Hey, (F)H and I are moving in together. Just wanted to tell you so you're not caught off guard when all of my shit is gone."

Again, not that verbatim, but my point is that you have to be firm enough to get the point across. "I'm not asking for your blessing. I'm just telling you that this is what's happening."

@OP I know it must be hard hearing the disapproval and the whole "living in sin" but they will get over. I've been living with my FH for 3 years as of August 1st and I heard that nonsense for over 2 years. Living together is important to get used to each other's day to day habits. I feel like I got to know my FH so much better through living with him. I see no problem with your ages and, often, rentals can allow for someone to take over your lease as long as you two find that person. My FH and I are leaving our current place half way through our lease and have multiple people lined up that are interested. If you two are serious about moving in there are ways to make it work.

You said you're finally in a good place with his parents. What have been the issues in the past?

A.Magill.in.May, completely get that. However, unlike her parents, his parents are not okay with this. Out of respect for them, AND to open the line of communication, a conversation needs to take place.

DH and I talked about this. If we were his parents, this conversation WOULD take place. During which I would be very clear of my disapproval, but ultimaely, the decision is our son's.

@Sos0033 His mom was very protective and controlling of him for a while. I was his first and only girlfriend which scared her (understandable) because we became so serious so fast. His parents are also very conservative and religious and I think I was a bit of a shock to them initially. We butted heads a lot because they kept us from spending time together in high school and did not seem to take our relationship seriously until recently. Over the past year and a half we have grown a lot closer and get along well now.

Also, just to clarify, I will be over 23 and FH will be over 22 when we get married. The only reason the conversation came up this early is because we were discussing officiants. The most obvious choice for our officiant will not marry us if we live together before marriage.

You don't need their permission. You can listen to their concerns, tell them you'll take it into consideration, and then do what you want.

You're 100% right that its makes logistical and financial sense to move in with each other before you get married. It also will teach you a LOT about each other (even being together as long as you have) and I would never, ever marry someone before I lived with them.

Please don't feel like you need to answer this on the forum, just think about it: I'm not sure if you are having pre-marital sex or not. My guess is that, like most young people, you have been having sex for many years. I'm sure you've never talked about this with his parents; they just put their head in the sand and look the other way or pretend you aren't. His parents don't like the way you 2 moving in together LOOKS but nothing about your sex life would actually change. If you aren't having sex now and plan to wait until marriage, you can still live together. I have a good friend, both she and her husband are very religious and saved themselves for marriage. They lived together for 6 months before their wedding. Her sister and her sister's husband were also virgins when they got married and also lived together before getting married. If you are committed to your virginity, living together will not change that one bit. It is absolutely RIDICULOUS that an officiant would not marry you just because of your living arrangements, and I would suggest you don't even consider that officiant because of that. That is not the type of officiant or guidance you want going into a marriage.

Kindra- you have to do what is best for you and FH. If that means living together before marriage then do it. H and I lived together for 3 years before we got married. At one point the missionaries from his church tried to fly my father here so that we could "just go get married" but we were not ready. When we were finally ready then we no longer wanted the church to play any part in our marriage so we found an officiant.

Tell them it's your life not there's. Times have changed and you've been together for a while.

My parents aren't happy with me and FH living together.. my mom is wanting us to get married at the courthouse asap. But I'm not giving in.

@Kindra The most obvious choice for an officiant is not always the best choice. Please meet with other officiants because if that choice wants to dictate and "disapprove" of some aspect of your relationship they probably shouldn't be marrying you. Honestly, I love our officiant because she supported us and didn't judge us for moving in together. Living together is a huge step and it helps cut out the fog of the "honeymoon" phase where you are head over heels. You finally get to see their literal dirty laundry, their bad habits, how they react to stress, their level of participation in chores, and overall how you will function as a household. It's really important and if that officiant won't marry you over such a big step due to some rule that's judgmental on their part. Do what's best for you guys as a couple. Do what you guys thing will help strengthen your relationship. Try to block out the judgement of others. They can try to push their beliefs on you guys all they want but at the end of the day you need to do you.

Move in together. If his parents continuously protest, show them facts on how you will be saving money or find stats that show that more couples today are living together. Simply just talk to them. It might help them see where you are coming from.

My fiancé and I have lived together since we were in college. I love living with him. We have learned and worked through who cooks, cleans, schedules, and our habits.

I think the fact that you had issues in the past and overcame them (meaning they got over it) is a good sign- it shows that it could happen again. You sound like you're prepared for the immediate repercussions, and I bet that 5, 10, 20 years from now, they won't even remember that you moved in together.