Mother's Husband Not Invited - Need Advice

Sounds like a difficult situation. I think it would be hard not to allow your mother to bring her husband. I do not know the full situation but you just need to be honest and straight forward. I would say let her know as soon as possible to give her a chance to work through it. If it is a bad relationship and she knows it I am sure she will not be surprised.

Since you do not get along, would it be any surprise to her? Or to him? Would he even want to go? Would he go to support your Mom?

Really, as her spouse, he should be invited. I don't want to pry about why the bad blood between you both, but is there any circumstance you would have him attend? What if your Mom says she won't go without him?

I would go to lunch with her and broach the subject with her casually. You have a long time to figure it out based on what she says/does.

Are you prepared to damage your relationship even further with your mom? Are you prepared if your mom does not come to your wedding without him?

If I may ask, what are those reasons? Does your mom know of them? Does she love her husband?

I am in a similar (but not exactly the same) situation. My whole family dislikes my mother's boyfriend and I tell my mother I refuse to be around him. He's not allowed at my sister's house and my aunts and uncles dislike him (of course, when mom is with her siblings, my sister or I are usually there so he's not invited). My mother was told the day I told her that FH and I chose a date that her boyfriend is NOT welcome. I think you need to just sit her down and explain that you love her and appreciate her but your wedding is about you and you are not comfortable with him there. Tell her you hope she can support your decision and still be there for you. I am certain it probably won't be a surprise to her!

If your mom knows your reason for not liking this man she will understand you not wanting him at the wedding. In my opinion you just need to be open and honest. Sit your mom down and simply tell her you don't want him

there. I have to do somethibg similiar but with my FH's family.because he doesn't want his biological father there.

I feel for you! Does your mom know about these issues and why you don't feel comfortable? If so, I would just say to her: Look, because of x, y and z, I don't feel comfortable having __ at my wedding and related events. I'm concerned because __. I understand that it is hard as he is your husband and I really love you and want you to be involved and included, however I and FH would not be comfortable including him.

If she doesn't know, maybe try to explain to her what the issues are about and again tell her how much you love her and want her involved but that his presence would be very hard for you and FH and that you hope she understands that.

If possible, don't get upset or argue but just be calm and let her know honestly how you feel. Chances are she will be upset but if she has a better understanding of why you feel this way, hopefully she will understand your concerns and respect your decision. Then keep making the effort to include her to show that you want her involved still.

My sister and I did not like my mom's husband. Mom knew. She married him less than a year before my sister's wedding. Whatever. My sister and I were in our twenties and Mom was a grown adult.

At the wedding, he was in the family pictures. That irritated the hell out of my sister, but he was married to my mom so not a lot she could do. My mom insisted he be in the pictures and wouldn't hear of him not being there because he was family by that point (Dad died when I was a teenager, so no worried about clashing there).

They divorced because he was an ass and Mom finally couldn't put up with it.

Mom died last year. I got engaged this year. As my sister is helping me plan my wedding, she says ALL THE TIME about how angry she was that David was in her wedding pictures and how Mom forced that upon her. 14 years later, and she is still pissed off. Very pissed off.

Take what you will from this story.

I'm in the same boat, though I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't like her husband, either, so she probably won't care (in fact, 15 years ago when my brother got married, he originally told her that her husband couldn't come, and then changed his mind and told her she could bring him. Her husband never got the news).

Anyway, I would suggest broaching it gently with her. Focus on how you want to feel on your wedding day, rather than the reasons in the past you and he don't get along (she probably knows these already, and she might become defensive if you start listing them all out). "Mom, I love you. I can't wait for you to see me and my dress and to be surrounded by all of the people I care about. But, I don't feel comfortable around Jim and he stresses me out. I don't think I will be able to enjoy my day if he's there. . . "

ETA: You also need to be prepared for her to refuse to come, or to show up with him the day-of anyway

@Erica-- that is what I don't want!!! When another one of my brother's got married, my mom's husband was acting like he raised my brother, in the receiving line, all the pictures, etc (who was already an adult and moved out for more than 10 years by this point, not to mention the kids still at home lived with our Dad). The look on my Dad's face was just so painful, I wasn't going to make him go through that again.

Honestly? this is some tough love, but you can't not invite him without damaging your relationship with your mom. if he sucks, that's her marriage. not yours.

you CAN leave him out of any getting ready stuff and have him just come to the ceremony and reception. you won't even have to notice him if you dont' want to. and you can have PLENTY of photos without him, even if there are a couple with him.

this is your mom's HUSBAND. if she is invited, he has to be too.

I understand how you're feeling. I refused to be around mom's boyfriend for a long time. There was even a point where my mother and I didn't speak because of him. With your situation I think it's best that you sit down with your mom and talk to her as soon as possible. Just be honest, straightforward and explain to her how you feel. I think you need to be prepared for your mom to get upset and possibly refuse to go to the wedding. How are you going to feel if you don't have your mom there? Is this going to negatively affect your relationship with your mom? I hope it works out.

If the major issues include any type of abuse, and she knows, then, well, screw her and him and lay it out very simply for her.

If the issues aren't of that magnitude, I would sit her down and have an open and honest discussion about your feelings and how your wedding day should only include people who love and support you, and vice versa.

You can't not invite him to the actual wedding, but as Kate said, you can marginalize his presence elsewhere. Do have the discussion with your mom, but know that there is probably no way she won't be hurt.

Thank you everyone for such encouraging and helpful advice. It truly is a hard touchy situation for me. And just to be able to reach out and ask for help and to get this many responses is amazing.

And yes Allison it is of that magnitude. Thank you all!

If you have a strong dislike for your mother's husband then I feel he shouldn't be there. Granted they are married but a mother should never choose anyone over her kids and I'm not saying you shoudl force her. If the situation is based on abuse then I am not against you not wanting him there. However, you risk the chance of your mother not being there. Do what you feel is best for you. I hope your mother does what's best for you as well.

Since you've let on that it's abuse related I don't think there's more to say: he's not invited. Mom can come if she wishes, but there will be no space for her husband.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this

I think no matter how dyplomatic and polite you are you may have to face the music that you not wanting her husband there may mean she wont feel welcome as well and won't wish to attend.

I don't want to be a debbie downer but I think you should be prepared for all the options.

Again I hope everything works out, I think you have a right to have only people you love and feel loved by at your wedding!

SnappyLove - I'm very sorry it's abuse related. Abuse trumps etiquette so there really isn't a reason for him to be present on one of the happiest days of your life.

I'm sorry that this situation exists. truly. and i hope i didn't come across as dismissive of the situation - reading what i wrote again some of it is a little harsh.

however, i do still think that you can't not invite your mom's husband and still expect her to be there. how will not inviting him affect her? what if there are abusive repercussions to him not being invited? will he take it out on her? all of these awful things come to mind.

i don't think you're wrong in not wanting him there. but i don't see a good way to make sure your mom is there AND not invite him.

hugs

If the situation involved abuse, if your mother is aware of the abuse and chooses to ignore/deny it and stand by him then honestly? I don't think either of them should be invited, or really be a part of your life.

My 0.02.