Mother in Law problems

If this has been happening for nine years I honestly don't see it changing unless there are hurt feelings & tension everywhere.

I thought my FMIL had boundary issues but this makes our issues look like nothing! I don't think you should marry your FH until you guys come to an agreement/solution on this. I know it's easy to blame your FMIL but the truth is that your FH could easily prevent this:

Don't want your mom at your doctor's appointments? Make your own appointments and don't tell her.

Don't want her coming over unannounced? Don't give her a key and don't answer the phone/door if she comes unannounced or say "sorry I can't invite you in right now. I made other plans."

I think your FH probably likes his mom doing this sometimes. Let's be real, it doesn't suck to have a glorified personal chef and maid... But has he spent a month doing all of the cooking and cleaning himself? Can he "adult" as @Coffee said? Does he expect you to do all of this for him after you're married? Most importantly, what is going to happen when/if you guys have children? I can only imagine she will start getting a lot more intrusive and try to "own" them as well. Are you going to be ok with her "dropping in" unannounced to feed your kids (maybe even foods you aren't ok with them having) or insisting on taking them to get their first shots? This is my nightmare.

What doctor lets a 30 year old mans mom make appointments? Typically they won't discuss anything with anyone else when you're that old...

I agree with whatever person said there should be no wedding planning until this is resolved. I'm sorry but this is all your FH. He needs to grow up. It comes to the point where you need to cut the cord. And if he isn't prepared to do that he sure isn't prepared for marriage.

Are you engaged to my ex boyfriend?? This is his mom to a T, including her sisters not talking to her because of what a manipulative liar she is.

I wish I knew what to tell you. A large part of the reason he and I broke up was because I could never win - he always sided with his mom, over even the most ridiculous things. (He got in a car accident - someone hit his car - and I was HOME, 5 miles away, and she blamed it on me.) If he can't draw and enforce boundaries with her, this will never end and will only get worse.

Good luck. I don't want to be a downer but the previous posters who got out of marriages like this are right. What really got through to me with my ex (and we tried counseling) was several of my mom's friends told me their experiences of dealing with nightmarish MILs for 30+ years. They said it caused huge problems in their marriages, got worse when they had kids, and they never were a priority until the MIL died. This is a serious, serious problem.

This sounds like an extremely unhealthy coercive relationship, and to be honest, more than a bit creepy. They both have boundary issues. No grown man should want his mom coming over doing everything for him and she should not have a house key. Your FH needs to break this now. Counseling for sure. And I too would not be planning a wedding with this big of an issue. She doesn't do anything unless your FH ALLOWS her to do it. He's the one not setting boundaries. If she doesn't listen he needs to separate himself from her entirely. She needs solo counseling too. And to add, you don't take his mom's place in "taking care of him". FH needs to take care of himself. You guys need to get your own place. Don't move into a place that she has a key to. Everything @richard said. You guys have been together 9 years and she has done this the whole time? She clearly has no respect for you. Sorry if it sounds harsh but it's the truth

The only way a doctor would allow a grown man mother in the exam room is if the grown man gives permission.

Other posters raise a good point, is he going to expect this behavior from you?

He's allowed his mom to act this way. I agree with others, wedding planning would be on hold till this was handled. FH mother tried to do this to him and he put his foot down real fast (and moved away lol)

The doctor appointments put this into a whole different category. He needs to admit his part in enabling this and sit her down and have a real conversation about boundaries. It won't get better unless he does, and you getting in the middle will only drive a wedge between you and your FH.

So sorry to here this. I've seen this first hand how intrusive mothers negatively affect marriages. Friend had to move states away with her family and rarely sees them in order to maintain boundaries. This may not be a realistic option for you all, but having him SHOW you that you are his priority and and that clear boundaries exist is more important right now.

Wow, glad you've gotten some good advice! Yikes I can't imagine

Don't let him talk about "being in the middle" between you. If he marries you, you and he are one. Or he can choose her. But he must choose where his loyalty lies.

Don't marry him until he cuts the umbilical cord with mumsie. He needs to change the locks and not give her a key, simply not go to doctors appointments she makes for him, tell her that she cannot come over unannounced, and he needs to start adulting for himself. Couples counselling for both of you, and if he pulls the "that's just how she is" line, say "well, this is how I am and I'm not putting up with this." As a previous poster mentioned, you need the Dealing with Inlaws board at the babycenter website.

He needs to stop letting her baby him. 9 years is way to long for this to still be happening. I would be seriously concerned about this.

Of course she's upset. SHE'S the mother/wife and YOU'RE the nasty other woman! She's delusional obviously, but FH is just as guilty for not stopping her. You will never come first if FH would rather please her than protect the sanctity of your new nuclear family.

If you want this marriage to work, FH needs therapy, his normal meter is broken. She is going to go ape shit when he tries to cut her off and he will need professional help to allow him to see through her bullshit and manipulation and guilt and victim playing. Please visit the Babycenter DWIL (dealing with in laws) forums. They can be quite harsh there, but I think you all need a wake up call. I truly hope your FH steps up, otherwise this is the beginning of the end.

Your FMIL is doing these things because your FH allows her to, possibly even encourages her to. He needs to put his foot down with her and put a stop to this nonsense. And best to do it now and not wait for after the wedding.

And I second the suggestion to get a place together that's both of yours and not just move into his place. Your mother-in-law is probably always going to see your FH's current home as her son's home and therefore feel welcome to barge in whenever she wants (especially if your FH has been okay with it all this time). She might even feel territorial there and pushback when you try to move in and make it a bit your own. But if you and your FH buy a house together, you decorate it to your liking and fill it with both of your stuff and then don't give FMIL a key, she'll be forced to take a step back.