Mother in Law problems

Amanda- this is a tough situation but your FH need to handle setting serious boundaries with her. For example if she sets his doctor appointment he needs to tell her he is a grown man and can handle it himself. It's just so awkward and I would be super frustrated with it too, but he needs to handle it. OMG with the coming over to wake him up and make him oatmeal!!! Good lord that's just too much. He needs to get his ass up in the morning, make his own oatmeal and tell her this is unnecessary. They may need counseling services too

After thought, does FH know how to cook and clean?

It is tough that it has been this way for so long, does he seriously want to change it?

Thank you everyone so much for the advice! It's been tough dealing with her and I haven't really had a voice when it comes to her, but being that my FH and I are getting married, I've really been thinking about how to handle this situation with her because something has to be said and things have to change. I never really felt that comfortable demanding boundaries when we were dating (just because I didn't feel it was really my place) and I thought with him moving out on his own, their relationship would change and she'd give him his space. I was wrong in that thinking. He does knows how to cook and clean. She doesn't work and she's bored during the day so she makes her way over to his house daily. He works afternoons so she goes to see him daily. He was recently in the hospital (he's fine!) And she had him sign his belongings out to her. I asked him why he did that after she left because I could've taken them and he just said he didn't want to deal with her so it was easier to let her have her way

@Amanda H, it's so great that you're open to couples counseling. I think it could really help you guys and will open up a new and deeper level of communication in your relationship. It won't be super easy all the time, but it will point you in the right direction and guide you through navigating that process. It's best to start working on these issues NOW rather than waiting until after you're married, because it is a sticky situation and it could easily cause built up resentment if you don't take the proper steps to resolve it soon.

DH and I had a lot of issues because his dad is very needy and makes DH feel guilty if he is not spending all his time at his house and contributing financially. We are slowly but surely working through them. He sat his dad down and had a serious conversation with him, basically saying "I'm getting married soon and that's my new family. Of course I love you and the rest of the family and I want to be there for you all, but my wife will come first from now on and you need to accept that. I can come over or help out when possible but I can't drop everything to come over and hang out with you or forget about the bills my wife and I have to help you pay yours." His dad, thankfully, received this relatively well and said DH was right and he would give us our space. There are still some issues we are trying to get over (like his full withdrawal from financially contributing to his dad's household) but we are moving forward and that is the goal.

He says that it's too much. Honestly she's brought about bouts of severe anxiety in him because of her intensity and control when it comes to him. To me, that would be enough to take her house key away and not answer her calls for some time but at the same time, he feels bad for her because her other family can't deal with her. So he says things need to change, but I think his actions need to be more reflecting of that "change".

I do think couples counseling is a positive action. It's better to start that now rather than later because I don't want resentment to set in and then blowouts to occur over his mom.

Amanda, that's so great that your DH sat his dad down and had a serious discussion with him and even more great that his dad was receptive to it! Happy for you guys! Good luck with working through the remaining issues! That gives me hope that things can change for the better in my situation

There's a book called Boundaries. You and your FH can read it, then pass it on to her.

ETA: by Dr Henry Cloud

Couples counseling is a really great idea for you guys to start working through this. Keep the hope!

I dated a guy who had an overbearing mother. Then I found out she had a mental illness. It was a tough situation, but he handled it as best he could. There were plenty of arguments between them (never with me).

Once, she came to our apartment unannounced when I was alone, and accused me of trying to poison him.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope counseling helps the situation.

Is he an only child? I think sometimes it's hard for a mother to see their only child getting attention from someone else. I do think you need to have a very polite conversation with FH about this though or it will never end.

Your FH gave her a key and tells her about the doctors appointments exc. Bottom line your FH needs to grow a pair and stand up to her or it's only going to get worse. No more "it's just easier to go along with it." Does your FH own his place or rent? I would suggest finding a place together vs you moving into his place. She already has a key and established a routine of going over there every day, it may be easier to set boundaries if you start fresh in a new place together.

Why does your FH allow his mother to be in his life this much? This is the real issue. If you don't put your collective foot down, this woman will follow you on your honeymoon and into the delivery room. You must step up and set major boundaries.

I do not think you need couples counseling. You seem to be just fine expressing your self to FH, that's awesome. However, maybe FH could use some for learning how to deal with his mother and not feel bad.

But If she is crazy intrusive she is going to make wedding planning a living hell for you. Eek!

Don't shirk from dealing with this. If I were you, I wouldn't be planning a wedding until this issue STOPPED. I'm sorry if that's harsh but your FH has allowed this to go on (and so have you) for ENTIRELY too long. No mother in her right mind says to her 30/yo son that she's all he needs. What the hell will he do when he's 60 and she's in the ground? Because it will be near impossible to keep a wife for 30 years dealing with THAT crap. Counseling is a good idea but it's time to get REAL, OP. Ask for that house key back. Or change the locks. Don't answer everytime she calls. If you have to ignore the doorbell, oh well. She needs to understand that while she is to be respected as his mother, her claim on him is over. She is now 2nd fiddle. Harsh as it sounds...you should be the #1 priority. Period. He can love and respect her too. But he's gonna HAVE to "deal with her". Seriously. Tell him to grow up or he may find himself alone. You do not want to marry into that kind of misery.

Why does she go to his Drs appointments? Why on earth is he ok with that? Seems like they both have some boundary issues.

Angel - Because it doesn't just stop at the breakfast. Then she moves on to making his bed, doing his dishes, doing his laundry, etc. She's never let him "adult" and learn how to basically survive without her. She wants him to be dependent on her and she's doing a good job at it. He moved out on his own to live a life without her doing everything for him but now it's no different than when he was living at home. The only difference is he's paying the bills. I forgot to mention she goes out and buys things to decorate his house. Without his consent. She hung this gaudy, eyesore of a cabinet up in the laundry room even after he told her no. SHE wanted it put up so she had it put up regardless of his distaste for it. I brought over a cookie sheet for when I wanted to make something in the oven because he didn't have one. One day I went to grab it and it was gone. His mom had thrown it out because she "thought it came with the house." (This was 8 months after he'd moved in his house and she'd redone the entire house to her liking so she knew the cookie sheet didn't come with the house.)

As a woman, I feel degraded because in a way I feel like what am I here for when his mom is still taking care of everything.

He needs to grow up. He's a grown man. He needs to tell his mommy to stop swinging by and cleaning for him, etc. He can say NO to all of this. He is choosing not to, so your issue is with him not wanting to grow up. It's not because "he doesn't want to deal with her", it's because he probably enjoys being waited on hand and foot. Good luck with that. I know someone who married someone like that and once he cut the cord with his mom, he expected all of that out of his wife.

@Amanda I didn't mean that super snotty. I just think she needs to give her damn son some space. Holy cow. You definitely need to talk to him and be upfront with how you feel.

I will be honest with you and say it's very nice that they have this close relationship. My brother is so split from our family now. Because of my SIL and everything's about her family. Which definitely isn't fair

Definitely set boundaries asap. If it were me, I wouldn't get married/move in until those firm boundaries are in place, or it will get worse. Since she has a key he is setting y'all up for a lifetime of her intruding. Middle of a fight? MIL drops by in unexpectedly and puts in her opinion. Spontaneous sexy time on the couch? Here come MIL. 3Days after giving birth, when you are bleeding every where, look like death warmed up b/c you haven't slept or showered, and you have your boob out trying to nurse a screaming baby? (if you choose to procreate and nurse, obvs) Here comes MIL barging in to tell you how you are doing it wrong. The boundaries HAVE to come from FH or she'll never get it, and you will just be the keeping her baby from her. Counseling is a great place to start. Good luck!

Well - my FMIL is a pain in the neck pretty much most of the time but I actually find it amusing

since I have learned to just let things go.

If she gets "mad" at him for talking to you for half an hour, how does that bother you or affect you in any way? you can choose to let it annoy you, or you can choose to just ignore it ( because he TALKED to you and that's all that should matter - whether she got upset or whatever, should not be your concern at this point)

Now, her cooking and cleaning for him is ok for now ( who cares? less things for you to do when you're over there - the place is clean, be grateful!)

ALSO- the movie someone recommended is really one of the greatest movies I have seen. definitely a must for everyone to watch it!!

Good luck!!