Mother in Law problems

No you weren't snotty at all Hannah!! Trust me, that's not the first time that exact question has been asked lol

The fact that I'm not the only one that feels she's too much says a lot. FFIL (who is married to her) says the same thong and his sisters say the same thing about her needing to back off from him. He really does need to put his foot down, but I also think it might be time for me to express my feelings to her as well. I know she won't have a good reaction, but maybe if FH and I do it together and back each other up, it will make a difference. I'm really sorry to hear about your brother being split from the family there's definitely a happy medium but some people can be more controlling

Ghostly smile - you are 100% on point!

She actually did show up at his house one time when we were in the middle of adult time in the living room. I was like this is unreal. Can't even be comfortable in his home. But you're right about her going to all those lengths.

Richard - I did tell him that quote word for word so he's well aware of my feelings about her lack of boundaries! Lol and I'm going to strap on my bridal balls!! It's about time I stand up for myself more than what I have. I think the whole buying our own place together is the right move. That way, it's not me living in her son's house (which she may view it like that.) It'll be our house and that means no key, no dropping by unannounced, no touching anything in the house.

My Fmil was the same for a bit, despite fh talking to her multiple times. The final straw was our 1st thanksgiving living together. She said my food looked gross and tried to toss it. It finally clicked for fh that he need to do something, b/c nicely talking wasn't working. He told her to leave before we even carved the bird. Best thanksgiving ever.

Tell your FH he needs to talk to her and cut those apron strings... my EX HUSBANDS mom was the same way and it was to much.

Ghostly Smile - that is hysterical!! glad she got kicked out

So my FMIL is the exact same way. Just the other day she looked me dead in the eye and said I'm not giving him up just yet. She also wants us to live in the same apartment complex as her when we're married. I could write a book on here about her lol BUT I will say that FH knows how I feel about it, especially when she asks him who is paying for what when we go out. He agrees with how I feel but it still took a little time before he figured out how to set boundaries. It's a matter of setting boundaries and then standing FIRM. He also used to tell his mom everything, now he doesn't. It's a process but it's up to your FH to do it. My opinion is if he loves and respects you, he will do it.

My FMIL is the same way, since i have come into the picture, she has calmed down a lot but still does the same thing with FBIL- makes doc appointments, takes care of him, etc. And he is 30, also.

Good luck because this can be difficult but talk to your FH about how you feel but please dont say- you, your, you. Tell him how you feel and why you feel that way. Dont play the blame game- doesnt work well.

Good luck

Move! Lol! I think you both need to talk to her. You are about to be family and should all deal with this together. I'm assuming he's an only child? She obviously has nothing else going on in her life except him. Maybe a hobby? Where is your FFIL? Can't he keep her occupied?

Omg. I 100% agree with PP's. Do not let her in unannounced. Do not let FH go to the doctor appointments. In fact tell him to grow a pair. Tell him if he is not willing to fight for your relationship, what is the point?

Whatever annoys you right now will get 10x worse when you are married.

I definitely recommend the Boundaries book!!

I can relate a little - how someone gets used to handling their own parent on their own sometimes has to change when you become a couple Whenever MIL starts saying crazy things (which is frequently, but she's pretty harmless), DH has always just completely ignored it and says it's easier not to engage. I had to talk with him several times about how that might work for him, but if it's just the 3 of us in the conversation that means he's hanging me out to dry! You both need to figure out how you'll handle things as a couple. For us that was establishing that he has to take the reins in those situations to change the conversation!

Same thing with the home boundaries! Maybe FH will have a slightly easier time if you remind him that this isn't him "pushing his mom out of his life", but that you two are getting married and need to establish boundaries for your home that both of your are comfortable with.

This is a much bigger problem than you think. Much much bigger. Your FH is so deeply enmeshed with his mom and it will get worse. She has created a sick dependency and your FH is afraid to confront her. Why? Guilt? She installed that button in him to push so that she can manipulate him to always get her way.

Imagine if you have kids--how will your husband react when she parents over him (AND YOU)? Will he stand up to her? Or will he still be spineless?

I highly suggest some books:

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People - George K. Simon Ph.D.

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life - Robin Stern

Toxic Parents - Susan Forward

I also highly suggest Googling "Dealing With In Laws." It will take you to a babycenter site but the site is for people strategizing about how to set boundaries with toxic family members.

ETA: Here are some other relevant links: https://www.bustle.com/articles/138889-7-signs-your-in-laws-are-toxic-and-how-to-deal-if-they-are

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-rodman-phd/how-to-deal-with-parents-_b_8193012.html

She afraid that she is gonna lose her son. I think you and FH should talk to her together and let her know that there has to be boundaries.

Wow, that is way too intense. Talk to your FH about it, tell him that you NEED boundaries, this is not healthy. My FMIL can be a little over bearing at times, but not to this degree, and I put up with it because it is him mom after all. That being said, he has put up boundaries with her and it was rocky at first, but our overall relationship (and theirs!) has improved quite a bit.

I want to address this comment: "He really does need to put his foot down, but I also think it might be time for me to express my feelings to her as well. I know she won't have a good reaction, but maybe if FH and I do it together and back each other up, it will make a difference."

I strongly urge you NOT to proceed with this plan. When dealing with this level of enmeshment, a joint-discussion will only serve to alienate you. YOU will be the problem, not her. She will see this confrontation as your fault, that you are actively coming in between her and her son and that her son is only doing this because of you. She will openly talk about how you are turning her son against her and his family. Plus, boundaries shouldn't be open for discussion; boundaries are NOT a negotiation. She should not get a say in the boundaries your FH draws.

Richard is 100% right--this is a FH problem. Your FH needs to be the one to sever the umbilical cord. He needs to stand up to his mom and finally (and firmly) draw boundaries.

Please don't tell her how you feel. It will never, ever fix the boundaries. She'll still do all the same things, but you'll forever be "the woman who controls her baby." This HAS to come from him and JUST him. She needs to know this is HIS choice and what HE wants.

I am divorced. I was married to a man you just described. It did not work because he was never willing to cut the cord. It only got worse over time.

You and FH need to address this issue, ASAP. I would suggest talking to someone about it together.

ETA: do not address this alone. Again, been there when I was young, and can write a book on that. This really needs to be dealt with between you and FH.

I'm really confused about the doctors appointments. When I turned 18 and had a doctor's appointment and needed my mom to drive me, the nurses and doctors would tell my mom "Sorry, HIPAA prevents you from entering the exam room. You can wait over there in the waiting room."

ETA: If your FH is 30 years old, and has allowed his mother to do all these things to make his life easier, is he capable of "adulting" on his own?

ETA 2: Oh dear god, I just re-read the wake-ups and oatmeal part. He's 30, not 3!

Also, if he rents, he should ask his landlord to change the locks (he'd have to pay the LL for this), or change the locks himself and only give the copies to the LL. If he owns the house, he should change the locks himself.

This is completely serious. My first husband was the same way. I kept saying once we are married.... it never changed. You need to have an honest conversation and start to see changed now. She came between us to the point he moved back home while I was at work. I'm not saying it's doomed, I just want you to have your eyes opened and try to fix the potential problem now.

This is definitely a FH problem. My FH never had to lift a finger growing up so he does not know how to cook or clean. He will just throw dirty clothes and stuff in the floor or leave dirty dishes for days waiting on someone else to clean them up. I used to get pissed at his mom (who I LOVE) because I blamed her for never making him do anything. It all boiled over the day he was working late and she called me 4 times asking if I knew where he was (each time I told her the same thing) because "he never goes a day without calling me and texting (mom) all day." I lost it that day and wanted to pull my hair out and then I realized it is not about my sweet mother-in-law it is about my oversized child-minded other half. He is an adult and those are the decisions he makes, not his mother. So I talked to him and let him know how I was feeling and that I wasn't his maid. You need to let your FH know that you need to be #1 and if he can't make you #1 and let everyone else know that then you need to reevaluate your relationship.