Kelli
Savvy July 2021

Moh- Keep, Demote, Remove Altogether? Help!

Kelli, on February 3, 2020 at 9:36 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 6
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~Kind of a long post, sorry in advance~
I have had two maid of honors since I got engaged almost two years ago. One is a girl I considered to be my best friend that I met while living in Europe. She even threw us our engagement party and was a shoe in for the role. We both moved back to the US over a year ago and I asked if she still wanted to be my MOH. She said absolutely. Time's passed, and she's not texted, called, messaged our group.. nothing but a few words here and there. My other MOH asked if we could do a three-way call to discuss possible bachelorette things and, (we’ll call her “S”), was immediately so rude to me. “S” bombarded me with things like “I don’t even know if I’m coming! I might start a new job and don’t know if I’ll have the days off! This is money I don’t want to be spending right now! Your wedding is putting a strain on my marriage and you’re unsympathetic!” I just told her to do what she needs to do and we haven’t spoken since then. She’s known the date for over a year which I think is enough time to save up roughly $200-300 that would be needed. Flights from where she lives to where the wedding is, run for about $120. I gave all the girls free reign of their dresses as long as they’re long, black, and classy, so she could find a dress for like, $30 on Amazon. And hair and makeup is $140 because they’re coming to us and it’s a bundle type of thing. Other than that, I haven’t asked her for anything. I haven’t bothered her about wedding stuff except a few pictures of her bouquet and things like that. I’m torn because she hasn’t confirmed she’s not coming but with how she acted and how rude she was, do I demote her to a bridesmaid or remove her altogether? I’m so torn and afraid to be “bridezilla" but that kind of behavior was just appalling. Any help or advice or even similar stories would be much appreciated!

6 Comments

Latest activity by Jennifer, on February 4, 2020 at 9:37 AM
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    I would talk to her as a friend first to ask her where the anger was coming from and that you never meant for her wedding to cause and issue but you just want to know how so you two can rectify it. I would let her make the decision whether or not she can continue to even attend the wedding because based on her statement she may not only not be your MOH rather not even attend. I would just ask her if everything is okay as her comment took you by surprise.

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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    I would try to talk to her one on one. Determine if she even wants to still be in the wedding. You may be letting her off the hook by giving her a chance to bow out.
    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated July 2020
    D ·
    • Flag
    I would definitely talk to her one on one. Maybe she’s going through some tough times and it was simply a frustrated spill-over of emotions. She may say she doesn’t want to be apart of the wedding and you’ll have a definitive answer at least.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Savvy September 2020
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    See if she and her husband want to come as guests, without her being MOH.
    • Reply
  • Taylor
    VIP October 2020
    Taylor ·
    • Flag

    I think some people get caught up in the idea of being a bridesmaid (and trying not to disappoint a friend) and don't think about how much it's going to actually cost. I would have been 100% fine if people had turned me down when I asked because I honestly understand how expensive it is! My bridesmaids are having to buy a $100-$160 dress, pay $200 for hair and makeup (optional), $150 for the airbnb for the bach party (optional), buy a gift for the lingerie party (optional), spend money on food/alcohol on the bach trip, attend a bridal shower, etc. That all adds up really fast! My sister/MOH cannot make it to my Bachelorette party because of where she lives and I'm okay with that! It honestly sounds like your friend is just stressed about money. Don't hold that against her.

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  • Jennifer
    Super March 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    It sounds like she is pretty stressed out. Her mentioning her marriage is a red flag. If things in her marriage are not well, being a part of a wedding may be super difficult. I would try to have a sit down with her and figure this out. Likely, she is taking things out on you that have no relevancy. Just give her an out and be there as a friend if need be.
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