Marrying Young

Is the wedding date you have listed on your profile correct, and you are saying you will be 19 then? Does that mean you are 17 now, and your fiancé is 22?

5 years isn’t a huge difference later in life (like when you’re 25 and he’s 30) but I feel like there are some extremely significant life changes between ages 17 and 22. How long have you been dating? Is there a reason you can’t wait until you’ve both matured a little more to start thinking about your wedding? I sure thought I was going to marry the guy I was dating when I was 17, but that definitely would not have worked out. Not saying it won't work out for you to stay with him (plenty of people marry their high school sweethearts) but there is a lot more personal growth that happens in the years following high school. Your brain literally isn't even fully developed yet when you're a teenager, so scientifically you are extremely likely to change as you grow over the next few years.

I'm 22 (and got engaged at 21) so I clearly am not against people getting married "young," but if you are really only 17 then I think you should be waiting at least until you are of legal age to consider getting married. The reason your family doesn't approve is because you aren't even of legal age to get married, and you're engaged to someone much older than you who they may worry is trying to take advantage of you. I am not saying he necessarily is, but you should seriously consider their perspectives.

Do pay all of your own bills? Do you live with them, are you both financially stable? Do you both have good stable jobs? Are you paying for the wedding? Being married is SO much deeper and more complex than just loving each other. Love doesn't pay the bills. I think they're just concerned for your well being ( and rightfully so). If you're 100 percent self sufficient and it's important for them to be there, then I would extend an olive branch and see what happens. I would seriously take some time to evaluate and rationally ( remove the love and think long term financial and personal preparedness) if getting married this young is a good idea.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. You may think you are who you are and you won't change but it's such an eye opening time in life. With the relationships I've seen where one is old enough to drink and the other isn't, a lot of things change once they are able to both drink, and not just drinking but it's around the age that you really settle into who you are. Two of my friends that were dating for over 8 years broke off an engagement because she moved to go to med school and changed into a completely different person at 26 years old. Are you going to college? That alone is a big change and not everyone relationship survives that, even if it's just community college. I don't see the reason in rushing, you can stay together and prove your family wrong and get married when you are older. But if you decide to still get married, definitely invite them. The damaged caused by not inviting them will be far greater than anything that would happen at your wedding.

My fiancé and I are 19 now. We will be 20 when we get married. We both have stable jobs and our own home. I know people in the 40s who don't work and still live with other people. I think age doesn't matter. It matters where you are in life and your maturity.

I'm inviting family members who don't approve just to be the better person. If they don't come that's on them

Do not get married without telling anyone. If you do so, it strongly suggests impulsiveness and immaturity. Basically, you'll be proving them right that you're too young, and that will be even more difficult to bridge that divide. The truth is, until you're 22-23, your personality changes. Adult brains aren't fully mature until we hit our 20's. Some young couples are able to marry young and continue to grow with each other as they age and these changes happen. Some are not.

My sister was married at 20, and they're still married/still good partners for each other. She only regrets that they couldn't toast champagne at the small reception they had. Contrarily, I was engaged from 17-21. We realized about then that, despite caring deeply for each other, we were no longer right for each other. My fiance now is someone who I knew and hated when I was 17-21! Everyone is different.

Either way, it's important to start your married life with your support network. You both are not just marrying each other, you are marrying into each other's family.

He’s 22 now? And you’re 17 or recently turned 18? Yeah, I’d have a problem with that if you were my daughter too. Do you both work full time? Do you own/have your own place and pay your own bills? Are you still on your parents insurance? Have you even graduated high school?

My mom would have locked me up if I was dating a 22 year old when I was 17. There is a big difference between someone who's in high school and someone who is old enough to have graduated college. Like ions of difference. It's completely normal for your family to be concerned.

That being said, you can invite them or not invite them. That's your decision. But if you're old enough to be getting married you should be old enough to tell them. Not to mention, with how young you are your parents are probably still claiming you as a dependent. Do you want the IRS to be the ones to tell them you're married!?

ETA: omg just realized that you've been dating for 3 years! So when you were 14 and he was 19!? This guy could be a predator for reals...

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I agree with all of this!!!

OP, I used to date older guys when I was your age too. You know what I realized when I got older? The fact that those 22 year olds would date a 16 year old suggests that they were actually creepy and wayyy in the wrong for doing so. I was IN LOVE at your age, and I can honestly say now that I am SO GLAD I didn't get married.

If this is your one true love, then there is nothing wrong with waiting to get married!!!

I would listen very closely to what your family is expressing. Obviously none of us know you or your FH....but we've seen what can happen in your situation all too often. Your family loves you and wants what is best for you. And I don't hear them saying that HE isn't it....just that this may not be the best time for it. A mature young lady would be able to step back and really think it through and try to understand why they may be saying that.

Do you live with FH? Are you already fully supporting yourselves together? And without family and while supporting yourselves do you see yourself being able to pay for a wedding? Are you prepared to be cut off from your family for any length of time if they're not invited to your wedding?

I understand you've known this man for 3 years. But your family has loved you for 17 years. I was a MILLION percent convinced I'd marry the person I was with in high school. We were together for well over 4 years which (like you know) feels like an eternity at that age. You couldn't have convinced me for all the money in the world that we wouldn't be together forever. We were actually planning a wedding at 17 and 18 years old as well. And yet here we are...I haven't heard from him in almost 15 years now. And now I can look back and see that the things my parents and family were telling me and warning me of were true. I'm not saying anything bad about your FH.....but if you're so certain that you'll be together forever, then there's no harm in waiting to get married either. Give yourself time to grow. Grow together. Learn together. There's no rush. And having your parents' support means a lot...just look around the forums here and see how much girls long for their parents' support.

I was 17 when I met my FH... he was 16... we talked about getting married then... and what we would do... we planned to elope when he turned 18... that didnt happen... we changed so much in that amount of time... but I always knew he was the one for me.. everyone In high school told me i was crazy everyone in college now tell me I'm crazy to do this while in nursing school. I'm 7 weeks (53 days) from marrying the same but very very different man that I feel in love with when we were in high school. If you are sure dont let others change your mind.... but I wouldnt go back and get married any earlier than I am now... im thankful I got to see how we would both grow... and I'm excited to see how that changes in the future. Make sure you talk about every small detail and dont take your emotions into things... love with emotion and true love can be very different. Goodluck!

Btw I'm 21 now and hes 20... so we didnt wait too long either and time seems to fly by once you get out of school.... also invite your parents whether they are happy or not at that point it's on them whether they actually come or not.

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I graduated high school at 16 I've been paying my own bills for years. I never had both my parents and my guardian didn't care about me and so anything I wanted I had to pay for. I am a full-time college student and I work full time at Mellow Mushroom and he works full time at a deli called McAllister's. I got emancipated when I was 16 at the beginning of my senior year. We are totally paying for the wedding ourselves. I've been dating him for 2 years and we've known each other for 3. We have a daughter that will be here in September. I'm pretty sure were 100% self-sufficient.

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Yes, I go to college two hours away we've been together for 2 years and we've been apart since August. we see each other every other weekend and yes I can't legally drink but he's not a heavy drinker at all. I also feel bad though because I want to invite my sister. I wanted her to be the MOH but we recently had a falling out because I didn't approve of her decisions and she hasn't talked to me since besides a hey here and there. I know that it would hurt her though to not invite her.

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All of this. I'm 23, going on 24 so I also am not against people getting married young. I've been with my FH since we were 17. With that said, we have both grown and changed so much between then and now and I'm so happy we have had that time to grow/change together and mature without the stress of a marriage on top of it. If you guys really love each other, wait. There should be no rush. Wait until you are both completely financially independent (done with your degrees, have good jobs, apartment/house, significant savings, your own health insurance and retirements, etc.) and have gone through those vital changes between 17-21 before thinking about marriage. Your family will probably be a lot more on board by then as well.

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I understand the toast thing but we did come to a compromise on that aspect of the wedding. Also, both of my parents adore him, my dad actually taught him and his brother when they were younger. My parents have never been excited for me to be with anybody but him. Also, when my mom even though I was getting married she flipped out and I've never seen her that excited in my life. She told people already that I was getting married and I had to brush it off because I don't really want people knowing yet.

View Quoted Comment Having a baby is HARD. Marriage is HARD. Trying to do both those things while you’re still in college and only 19 would be even harder. What is your plan for college when your daughter is born? Can you two afford your joint bills AND all the expenses a baby brings plus paying for a wedding?

Lot's going on here.

Firstly, this is your choice. Everyone will have something to say about it, EVERYONE! but in the end it's up to you and your FH.

Secondly, unless you want to secretly elope, which I don't recommend only because that would make your family (from it sounds) even more angry and/or scared of your relationship. Tell your parents...do it together as a team.

Thirdly, invite your family. They will either show up and show they support you as a family should, no matter what. Or they won't show up. Or they will show up and be horrible people and try to ruin your wedding. I'd hope not the last one.

Some items to consider before you get married:

Date (August 2020) - that's good. Lot's of marriages have married young and had happily ever afters. However, there are other things to take into consideration, which may make it easier on you both to have a long engagement so you can also focus on other things 1. College (are you going yes/no? I'd recommend making it through college first. As some on WW can attest it's super hard to plan a wedding and be in college at the same time) 2. Living Situations (have you lived together yet? do you plan on it? A lot people wait to live together until after marriage, but me personally I recommend living together prior to marriage. Sometimes a relationship changes, and I feel like you really get to know someone better once you live together.

...

My FH waited to ask me to marry him until after I was done with graduate school because he knew my focus would turn to wedding planning instead of focusing on school.

My FH and I lived together beginning at year 2, got a dog, got engaged at year 5, and now we are getting married in 18 days. Living together REALLY helped us set boundaries and really get to know each other better, all the good and bad stuff. Us getting a dog helped us coordinate our lives together to fit his needs, as well as ours. Let me tell you it was tough but totally worth it...our relationship has been stronger because of it.

I wish you loads of luck, and take some time to be happy about your engagement. It's exciting!

Just keep in mind, when someone older cautions you, it's not to be mean....it is because they walked the road before you and they care.

You have a new baby on the way and that will bring new obstacles and challenges to your relationship like never before.

Why not finish college first? Then get married. Everyone is right about how much you will change between now and 21 and even 25.

If you two are forever, then you have nothing but time. No need to rush, in my opinion.

I was engaged at 24 and looking back, I'm so happy that we didn't go through with it. I've changed and grown as a person. You will too, its just something we all go through and someday your 25 year old self will look back and see how different you became.

That being said, if you are sure that marriage is what you want...don't exclude your family.
In the end they only want your happiness or they wouldn't be concerned. Family is important and with a baby on the way, you need them in your corner for love and support.

Good luck!

Our friends got married almost right after they turned 18 because they knew they wanted to be married to each other and had an apartment lined up and transferred their bills that their parents were previously covering into their own names.

FH and I got engaged when we were 19 & 20 and will be getting married next year (we'll both be 22 at the time of the wedding).

I have nothing against people getting married on the young side as long as both parties are 100% mature, they are self sufficient (for the most part at least. I'm still on my parents health & dental insurance until FH and I get married because my work's health & dental plan is outrageous whereas FH's is a quarter of the cost. I also am still on my parents car insurance plan but reimburse them for it), and they are stable.

FH and I could have gotten married right away but we decided not to because we had just bought a house and a puppy and were still going to college and we personally didn't feel like it was the right time to get married with all of that going on. That being said, our friends got married at 18 and are still married and she will be graduating college this winter and they just bought a house so it's not impossible, it can just make things a lot more complicated.

I agree with everyone when they say wait until you're 18 and then decide. If you still know 100% that you want to be married, then go ahead and do it! You'd still have around 1 year to plan a wedding which is more than doable. But until then I'd enjoy your pregnancy (I saw in a previous comment you're expecting), focus on saving for the wedding and on your school work

I was engaged to my high school boyfriend when I was 19. As time went on I knew I was making a huge mistake and left and never looked back. He even got engaged to someone else four months after we broke up. Dude was nuts.

Now I'm married to the love of my life and we've been together for 9 years. I'm not saying you should leave him or anything especially if he makes you happy, but take a breath and TIME to evaluate everything. Don't start planning until you're absolutely sure. Trust me.