Married before wedding

Exactly MrsK&D.

Do what you want. It's your choice, but the day you legally get married is the day you're married.....

I think it's whatever you want!

@MrsWrs I think everyone is pretty understanding about those kinds of circumstances. For one, you got married only days before and for good reasons. Two, you didn't lie to your guests.

To me, it doesn't matter if someone goes to the courthouse or has a legal ceremony somewhere else then chooses to hold a vow renewal later, complete with white dress, bridal party, etc. That's their money, their choice. and I have no problem with it -- so long as they don't lie about it. That's the part that bugs me. People get married for all kinds of stupid reasons (like that bride who didn't want to wait that long) and then lie to their loved ones and pretend it never happened. This is especially troubling to me with destination weddings, but if everything is above board, I don't have an issue with it.

That said, I still don't understand Britny's reasoning.

I completely disagree with most PP. People have VERY different views on marriage, this is one instance where you truly have to do what you believe in. I believe that a church marriage and a civil "marriage" are completely separate and different things. I have no reason to be married by the state, other than my priest must require it by law. So. FH and I will be taking care of the civil responsibilities before the wedding. It will be on an unknown date because it is unimportant to me, I see it as a permit that is required for me to get married. There will be no vows, and nobody besides us will be present. These will be on separate days intentionally, because it doesn't make sense to me to interrupt my wedding day to fill out what I consider unrelated paperwork. FH and I will continue to live apart during the time between these two dates, nothing will change for us other than some paperwork was filed. I will be married by the Church on my wedding date. That is when I will be married, that is the date we will celebrate. I understand that not everyone feels the same way and for some a civil marriage holds importance. PP, please keep in mind that marriage is a cultural event, and because you feel one way about it, it doesn't mean we all look at it the same way.

@Britny - you can celebrate your anniversary whenever you want! No one else is going to know when your anniversary is or call you out for "lying". I frequently celebrate my birthday on a weekend if it's during the week, same with our dating anniversary, and we normally make a Valentine's dinner reservation for the day after so it's easier to get a reservation The two of you will be celebrating your marriage, and can do that as frequently and whenever you want!

For one, we aren't lying to anyone. Two, We aren't having bridal parties and could care less about anyone's feelings. And finally, It's our money being spent. It's a celebration for us; in other words. We already have a house and child together. Everything he has is mine and everything I have is his. It's a huge PARTY with a big dress and fancy venue to celebrate that we are finally married. We will be renewing our vows on the day of the BIG PARTY!

Thank you to all that were so positive and supportive!

I think you can celebrate it whichever day holds more meaning for you two personally. I don't really subscribe to the "anything after your JOP thing is a vow renewal." If you want a wedding after JOP, that sounds great to me! If you consider the day of your reception your wedding day, celebrate that.

"These will be on separate days intentionally, because it doesn't make sense to me to interrupt my wedding day to fill out what I consider unrelated paperwork. FH and I will continue to live apart during the time between these two dates, nothing will change for us other than some paperwork was filed"

@Allyson my wife and I weren't allowed to get married in a church. Do you consider us not married since all we did was "fill out what (you) consider unrelated paperwork"? Just curious.

@Britny you're unlikely to get support here if you're only interested in thanking those who were "so positive and supportive" while I also admitting you "could care less about anyone's feelings."

@shannon that's what we are doing as well.

@elizabeth that is why I stated that that is how I specifically look at it. I tried to be clear in that I realize other people have different views, but I wouldn't consider MYSELF married if it wasn't through the Church. ETA: I don't believe at all that doing things this way is 'lying' to anyone.

@Allyson so you don't consider me married either then. That was the point of the question -- to show you how insulting your point of view is to those of us whose love is just as real, just as powerful, and just as special as yours. I waited 17 years to marry the love of my life and I'll be damned if someone tells me it's not a "real" marriage because it wasn't done in a church without being called out on it.

@Elizabeth No, that is not what I am trying to convey. The people who determine whether a marriage is 'real' are those inside of the marriage. The above simply states one of FH's and my parameters for ours.

We technically got married may 28 2016 with an intimate 10 person gathering but we set the larger celebration same date 2017. So it'll be our 1yr anniversary technically. Or as some want to always say "vow renewal" but I won't go out of my way every single time I talk about it and someone calls it a wedding to correct them. They know we are married.

@Elizabeth I don't think that's what Allyson is saying at all. She is saying that for her the cultural/religious portion is important so that is her wedding date, BUT she recognizes that others may find the civil part more important so they would celebrate that as their wedding date. I don't think she is implying that marriages outside the church aren't legitimate.

No, she's just calling it "unrelated paperwork." You can't see how that's offensive?

@Elizabeth Allyson is simply stating how she feels about her own marriage. She clearly doesn't care about being civilly married. In her life and opinion she only cares about the church marriage. Everyone has a different feeling about this. You feel married bc of your civil marriage. She'll only feel married after she's church married. I think you're taking it too personally for no reason.

Your anniversary is the day you were married, the one in the marriage license you sign after getting married

To say that "filing paperwork" is an irrelevant part of being married is an insult to every person who fought for the privilege to "file paperwork." It's dismissive of what that piece of paper actually means, which is legal equality. She can feel she's not married until she walks down an aisle, but there are much better ways of getting that cross than dismissively calling the LEGAL act of marriage "irrelevant."

Sorry not sorry.

I didn't say it was irrelevant. I said it was unrelated. To me. Not irrelevant. Unrelated. ETA: I want to make this very clear. How I define irrelevant: doesn't matter, doesn't hold weight. How i define unrelated: related to separate events/things.